Jokes

[2Dogs]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.

His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has taken his last breath,when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an AUSTRALIAN TAXATION OFFICE badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook and she has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work, you have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust a ATO auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.


"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon

And, the moral of the story:


If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

[2Dogs]

"An Australian man has been arrested in Italy for an assault on a local man following the football match between Australia and Italy.


Witnesses say the Australian man was 20m away when the incident happened.
The victim suffered a fractured skull, a cardiac arrest and has developed diabetes as a result of the incident.



He is expected to recover in a few minutes."

[primal]

"He is expected to recover in a few minutes."

:rofl: you gota give to the italians. They know how to act :)


ok a now funny from me

"I'm selling 2 mobiles that I'm not using anymore, if you are interested:

1) Almost new Nokia with camera (4.1 mega pixels)
2) Older model Nokia with camera and vibrating alert

Have a look at the pics and let me know if you're interested. Also send to
any of your mates who may need a phone.

http://www.the-andersons.id.au/images/archery/mobile.jpg

[Hannah]

"An Australian man has been arrested in Italy for an assault on a local man following the football match between Australia and Italy.


Witnesses say the Australian man was 20m away when the incident happened.
The victim suffered a fractured skull, a cardiac arrest and has developed diabetes as a result of the incident.



He is expected to recover in a few minutes."

Ooohhh - I love it...and oh so relevant!!

[Progen]

Good one primal! :-D

[2Dogs]

OUR JOBS ARE SAFE AS LONG AS THESE PEOPLE ARE OUT THERE......

ONE.
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you
could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a
half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

------------------------------------------------------------------
TWO.
I was checking out at the local Target with just a few items and
the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I
picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash
register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get
mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up
the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could
scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said, "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
THREE.
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy
drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what
she was doing,
she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for
a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
FOUR.
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car "Do
you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this
remote. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to
distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just
this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to
me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door,
I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the
batteries. It's a long walk."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
FIVE.
Several years ago, we had a junior typist who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm
almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier
machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the junior took
her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier and proceeded to make five
"blank" copies.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
SIX.
My neighbour works in the I.T. department in the central office
of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have
problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman
in one of the branches who had this question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys
have a fire downtown?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
SEVEN.
Police in Dubbo NSW interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopier
machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and
police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect
wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working,
the suspect confessed.

Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid

[bigfella]

OUR JOBS ARE SAFE AS LONG AS THESE PEOPLE ARE OUT THERE......

ONE.
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you
could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a
half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

------------------------------------------------------------------
TWO.
I was checking out at the local Target with just a few items and
the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I
picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash
register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get
mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up
the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could
scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said, "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
THREE.
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy
drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what
she was doing,
she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for
a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
FOUR.
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car "Do
you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this
remote. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to
distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just
this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to
me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door,
I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the
batteries. It's a long walk."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
FIVE.
Several years ago, we had a junior typist who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm
almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier
machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the junior took
her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier and proceeded to make five
"blank" copies.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
SIX.
My neighbour works in the I.T. department in the central office
of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have
problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman
in one of the branches who had this question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys
have a fire downtown?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
SEVEN.
Police in Dubbo NSW interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopier
machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and
police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect
wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working,
the suspect confessed.

Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid

Goes to show that the CEO in "Dilbert" is a man of many faces

[primal]

Mrs. Fenton, our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of
M&M's on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the
bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins
to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted aro und the store suspiciously loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna
look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices
again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited
a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in
here!"

[2Dogs]

Two boys in Brisbane are playing football when one of the boys is
attacked by a vicious Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off the nearby fence,
wedges
it down the dog's collar, and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A Courier Mail reporter hears about the incident and rushes over to
interview the boy.
"Young Lions Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing
in
his notebook.
But I'm not a Lions fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in Brisbane just assumed you were," says the
reporter, and he starts again.
"Bronco's Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," ! he jots in his
notebook.
"I'm not a Bronco fan either," the boy responds. The reporter starts
again:
"Maroons supporter risks life in heroic rescue"
"I assumed everyone in Brisbane was either for the Lions, Broncos or
the
Maroons. What team do you cheer for?" the reporter asks.
"We are both from Sydney and I'm a Blue's fan," the boy says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:
"Little Redneck Cockroach Bastard Vandalises Fence and Kills Beloved
Family Pet."

[New Tricks]

Still better than being a Victorian.

[StevenB]

Still better than being a Victorian.


what being a Queenslander?

[Kerrie W]

what being a Queenslander?

Nothing wrong with being a Victorian....And I have heard that there is no such thing as a true Queenslander.....Queensland is supposedly made up of the other States rejects...;)

[New Tricks]

You run with that then all good fun. Lets hope more mexicans take note as well and stay the deuce away from God's country.

[Kerrie W]

:oops: You run with that then all good fun. Lets hope more mexicans take note as well and stay the deuce away from God's country.
Thanks for the offer, But I was just saying what I had heard...Matter of fact I lived in Queensland for 3 years, so i have nothing against the place.....:puppydogeyes:

[New Tricks]

Having something against Queensland would be like having something against oxygen. Did you know that it is a FACT that Queenslanders are 42% more likely to be Rad than any other 'Australian'(including the Italy backers). FACT.

[primal]

Having something against Queensland would be like having something against oxygen. Did you know that it is a FACT that Queenslanders are 42% more likely to be Rad than any other 'Australian'(including the Italy backers). FACT.

FACT did you know that RAD stands for Retareded and degenerate. which is why victorians are 100% rad free. FACT :p

[Kerrie W]

ummm...now you have totally lost me....being Rad had nothing to do with wanting to live there and facts are somthing that go with figures, and I don't really care...It's all Aussie in my opinion....lol

[Kerrie W]

FACT did you know that RAD stands for Retareded and degenerate. which is why victorians are 100% rad free. FACT :p

Cheers Primal....I like that....:lol!:

[primal]

Now you might notice the spelling is all wrong. But you have to understand.... its from Queensland.

[Hannah]

97.26% of statistics and facts are made up on the spot - didn't you guys know that????

[New Tricks]

its from Queensland.


Speaking of errors, ' <<< there is your apostrophe retard.

[Hannah]

Speaking of errors, ' <<< there is your apostrophe retard.

Since when did you join the grammar-nazis? ;)

[Betty-Anne]

Queensland isn't just RAD it's uber-RAD. Why else would we have so many Victorians, Kiwis and South Africans here?

[2Dogs]

Right On!, Betts :rofl:

[New Tricks]

You know your stuff Betty.

[Marcus]

Queensland isn't just RAD it's uber-RAD. Why else would we have so many Victorians, Kiwis and South Africans here?
Well for Victoria we sent them up to QLD to increase the average IQ of both states.

[primal]

Well for Victoria we sent them up to QLD to increase the average IQ of both states.


:drum: :rofl:

[Jay.G]

:rofl:

[wiggles]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[2Dogs]

:rofl:

hangon .... what was I laughing at :o

[berto]

OUR JOBS ARE SAFE AS LONG AS THESE PEOPLE ARE OUT THERE......

----------------------------------------------------------------
TWO.
I was checking out at the local Target with just a few items and
the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I
picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash
register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get
mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up
the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could
scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said, "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid

I take offence to that... i work on the register at target and ive never done anything that stupid... but then again... we dont have those belts or those divider things... hmmm...

[bbird]

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"