Old Light Relief Thread

[Shirt]

75.5 mill?

Goddamn, Steve, that's pretty close to the record - I have one of these from the African Development Bank of South Africa for 136 million, which is nice.


Firstly let me introduce my self. I am Mrs. Rosa J. Jonas Savimbi, wife of the late leader of the National Union of the total Liberation of Angola (U.N.I.T.A) who died on the February 22 2002 by the bullet of the ruling government troop.
is one of my favourites.

Also have them from "LOI C.ESTRADA,The wife of Mr. JOSEPH
ESTRADA, the former President of Philippines located
in the South East Asia" and one from one of Idi Amin's wives, but I can't find that...

[katzgrin]

$75.5 million. You have better contacts than I do. I've only been offered $25million.

[CW]

SOme archery related games:
http://www.searchamateur.com/corkboard/Archery.html
8)
I shot a 1224 out of who knows what it the tournament part of the golden arrow game. :o :D :wink:

[StevenB]

my cousin about 2 or 3 years ago recieved an old school letter from someone in Nigeria they were only offering 20 million USD :)

[unclepete]

Scams, scams, every where there's scams...

For the truth on these (and other urban myths), try Snopes - http://www.snopes.com

[ec]

who's scottish :lol:

http://holistech.co.uk/haggis.php

[unclepete]

who's scottish :lol:

http://holistech.co.uk/haggis.php

Hurling haggis is what you do after you've eaten it and someone's told you what's in it :D

[Axilla]

MEMO FROM THE MINISTRY OF FISH & WILDLIFE – MOZAMBIQUE

Due to the rising frequency of human-lion encounters, the Ministry of Fish and Wildlife, Mozambique, is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and others involved in outdoor activities, in a recreational or work-related function, to take extra care in the bush.

We advise outdoors people to wear noisy little bells on clothing to give advanced warning to any lions that might be close by, to avoid taking them by surprise.

We also advise anyone using the outdoors to carry Pepper Spray with them in case of an encounter with a lion.

Outdoors people should also be on the watch for fresh lion activity, and be able to tell the difference between lion cub s**t and big lion s**t. Lion cub s**t is smaller and contains lots of berries and small-animal fur. Big lion s**t has bells in it, and smells like pepper.

Enjoy your stay in MOZAMBIQUE

[Zoe]

Here is a completely pointless time-waster (but worth it for the hi-tech graphics):

http://www.mtbireland.com/dodge.html

I can't get past 20secs, we need someone with a really good memory for patterns (and a decent mouse)

[Michael Naray]

22.546 seconds.

It keeps getting faster! :(

-m

"No conquest can be finished too soon."

- Carl von Clausewitz

[2Dogs]

:D....just when Igot over bashing penguins..

17.34sec

[Zoe]

23.474

Apparently someone's done 32 (how I don't know, plenty of spare time)
We need DrRalph to come on and break the minute mark.

[OldDog]

27.4 seconds, could do better with a more responsive mouse. Not as much fun as penguins tho. :D

[Marcus]

47.467 seconds

Took a few goes to get there, I think I could do over a minute

[toxic_rabbit]

47.467 seconds

:o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o

[OldDog]

30.113 that time. Its a bit like dodgin **** on the forum, the more you do it the better you get at it. :D

[Zoe]

Your computer is obviously running slower than ours Marcus :wink:

47 is very impressive! Now I'll have to try again!

[2Dogs]

yeah piece of **** Apple...........he could go 5min on that thing :wink:

[toxic_rabbit]

yeah piece of sh*t Apple...........he could go 5min on that thing :wink:

Bwahahahahahaha

[Marcus]

Doesn't matter how fast you make those PC's, they still suck. :P

[robbo]

My best is 0.015 secs. :D

[Michael Naray]

Your computer is obviously running slower than ours Marcus

47 is very impressive! Now I'll have to try again!

Try going the other way! My best is now 0.015 seconds. Can anyone else die faster? :wink:

-m

"You cannot receive this content. Either your
network bandwidth is not fast enough to receive
this data or your CPU is not powerful enough to decode it."

-NCSA server error message

[DrRalph]

124.096 seconds :new-alien:

[DrRalph]

My best is 0.015 secs. :D

I coudl only get 0.051, which is similar? :)

[Zoe]

124.096 seconds :new-alien:

Knew you would deliver :D

(perhaps you have an Apple IIe)

had to edit or risk the wrath of Clare's correction pen

[toxic_rabbit]

124.096 seconds :new-alien:

one word

HOW???????

[2Dogs]

I think he ran it on an Atari2600!!!....or a VIC20 :rofl:

Well he is a Public Servant, so he's had plenty of practice :lol:

[Marcus]

Not that hard, like playing grid iron, just find the soft spot in the zones. ;)

[DrRalph]

The trick is to set up a computer powerful enough to run a modern browser and Javascript, but have control over screen graphics rendering at a low level so you can slow it down to a manageable level while keeping the javascript unaware of the changes. Piece of cake in OSX with the right tools....

[DrRalph]

Yeah, I cheated. :o I could only manage about 19 seconds at full speed, this is one where the faster computers are at a definite disadvantage.

[Marcus]

I didn't do that, mine was at full speed.

[DrRalph]

Yeah, but my computer is twice as fast as yours! 1GHz vs 450MHz G4

[DrRalph]

Besides, I did use my own skills to get a high score, they just weren't reflex skills :)

[Michael Naray]

Similar to Dr. Ralph I found an independent fudge, slowing down the machine to about 6% of its normal speed. In this way I "scored" 191.218 seconds, or just under 12 seconds in real time, first go.

Even a minor difference in platform speed seems to have a great influence on the playability of this game, so it all comes down to who can cheat the best. :wink:

For the record, I'm running on a 1.5GHz P4, 1GB RAM and a $3500 QuadroPro video card.

My full speed score is a measly 29.938s. :(

Dr. Ralph, do you have a Cray or a CM handy? :wink:
-m

Microsoft: Where did you think you were going today?

[Zoe]

Perhaps either Michael or DrRalph need to work out a handicap system - we could have divisions :o

Mine. 1.79 GHz, 448MB RAM (more info, I wouldn't know where to look for it)
24.145 secs

2Dogs' computer must be extraordinarily fast!!

[2Dogs]

2Dogs new records is around 22sec :D

And mine is a P4 3.06 Gigally Hurts :wink: ......with lots of Rambus memory...whatever that does!

I got access to the CRAY, still got my remote login's to the DNR machine at Indooroopilly :D....not that I can do much damage :D

The Climate Control Centre use it for weather forecasting....long term stuff. Which I unerstand really does need a CRAY or a Brain like Dr Ralph to work out all the maths involved.

.......Sorry but Jim's XP ark based brain just would not cut the mustard :wink:

[OldDog]

Just got 41.4 seconds. It starts to speedup after a while :D

[OldDog]

46.176. gettin crosseyed from watchin it. :o

[2Dogs]

What do you mean a while?????.......mine is flying at 6 seconds :o

[OldDog]

47.499 :o

[unclepete]

Doesn't matter how fast you make those PC's, they still suck. :P

Some things are designed to suck...

[DrRalph]

Dr. Ralph, do you have a Cray or a CM handy? :wink:

Actually I have a Teraflop+ 512 node Compaq cluster, but it'd take ages to parallelize the JavaScript :)

I guess we all have to go around to 2Dogs place and see how we go on the same computer, or rewrite the script to tie the update rate to the system clock.

[CMB50]

you lasted 99.556 seconds


hehehe.....beat that! :D

[robbo]

I can't get over 20 sec. :(

It's moving to fast for me.

[Flex]

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.' The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said... 'Paint my house.'

[StevenB]

Following Martin's successful ad campaigns, Hoyt is giving it a go


If you are easily offended or disturbed, please don't look

http://i7.ebayimg.com/01/i/01/48/7d/0e_1.JPG

Amazing what left handers will do to sell a bow

[2Dogs]

:rofl:

[StevenB]

http://home.kooee.com.au/sabutcher/redneck/NiceCouplePhoto.jpg
http://home.kooee.com.au/sabutcher/redneck/redneak2.jpg
http://home.kooee.com.au/sabutcher/redneck/redneak4.jpg
http://home.kooee.com.au/sabutcher/redneck/redneck1.jpg
http://home.kooee.com.au/sabutcher/redneck/Wing.jpg
http://home.kooee.com.au/sabutcher/redneck/redneck2.jpg
http://www.archerytalk.com/vb/attachment.php?s=&postid=414748
http://home.kooee.com.au/sabutcher/redneck/RedNeck.jpg

[CMB50]

:rofl:

[James Park]

Finally, the answer...

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 100%?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26...then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

but, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

....and,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+20 = 103%

AND, look how far butt-kissing will take you ...
B-U-T-T-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
2+21+20+20+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 151%!!!

One can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, Bull**** & Butt-kissing will put you over the top!

[2Dogs]

:rofl: why is it that Olddog fits right in in that photo sequence

[CMB50]

the pictures get funnier as you go along! :D

[OldDog]

:rofl: Love the one of 2dogs hairy back. It's like his head....
big bald patch in the middle. :D :D :D

[darthfik]

From the LA Times.

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tornaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his head. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree bums to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

O.K., here's the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this story.

10.) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..." Ouch!

9.) "So I peered into the tube..." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

8.) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on The Rocky & Bullwinkle Show.

7.) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."

6.) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their
intestines and rectums.

5.) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube........

4.) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy **** after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3.) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."

2.) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?

l.) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

[robbo]

Following Martin's successful ad campaigns, Hoyt is giving it a go


If you are easily offended or disturbed, please don't look

http://i7.ebayimg.com/01/i/01/48/7d/0e_1.JPG

Amazing what left handers will do to sell a bow


Hey! I've got one of those. :D

[OldDog]

Is that the split limb model :o :o

[mbomike]

Is that the split limb model :o :o

EEWWW :x :o

[robbo]

Is that the split limb model :o :o

No I think it is the Intruder limbs. :D

Wouldn't get too many intruders, that thing looks like it would bite. :o

[OldDog]

:rofl:

[Mike13]

http://www.zipperfish.com/free/games/crochunter.html

[StevenB]

7.) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."

4.) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy sh*t after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.


:rofl:

[Michael Naray]

http://62.116.30.115/pixs/Yeti56.jpg

Plenty more where that came from:

http://62.116.30.115/pix.html

[mbomike]

They are some funny pics :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[toxic_rabbit]

Bash the pengiun, sydney style

[unclepete]

I was sent this pic. Thought others may find it amusing.

http://www.mjc.com.au/unclepete/files/hmmm3817-0.jpg

[Clare Barnes]

Meetings and Seminars

Do you keep falling asleep in work place/section meetings and seminars?
What about those long and boring Div meetings?
Here's a way to change all of that:

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call,
prepare yourself by drawing a square. 5"x5" is a good size.
Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give
you 25 one-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
- as a team
- strategic fit
- core competencies
- best practice
- bottom line
- revisit
- expeditious
- we predict
- out of the loop
- benchmark
- value-added
- proactive
- win-win
- think outside the box
- fast track
- result-driven
- empower (or empowerment)
- knowledge base
- at the end of the day
- touch base
- mindset
- client focus(ed)
- economic situation
- current issues
- game plan
- leverage
- the big picture
- this comes from above

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULL****!"


Testimonials from satisfied "Bull**** Bingo" players:

-- "I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won."- Adam from Training Delivery

-- "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."- Debbie Reynolds from Eval

-- "What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win."- Bart Simpson IT Section

-- "The atmosphere was tense as 4 of us waited for the fifth box at the last Divisional Meeting" - Shotgun Cannon

-- "The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULL****!' for the third time in two hours."- Rethi

[enseth]

:rofl: :rofl:
Clare, I think I may infact now look forward to my next meeting!

[Axilla]

Having just come out of a meeting, this seemed like a great idea at first.

Then I decided I prefer to doze through meetings, otherwise I'd be jumping up and yelling 'BULL****' every few minutes, which would only prolong the torture.

[2Dogs]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
> >
> >
> > 1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
> >
> >
> > 2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
> >
> >
> > 3. She is not BLONDE - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION
> > SUPERHIGHWAY.
> >
> >
> > 4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
> >
> >
> > 5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
> >
> >
> > 6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY
> > INCONVENIENCED.
> >
> >
> > 7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
> >
> >
> > 8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
> >
> >
> > 9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
> >
> >
> > 10.She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
> >
> >
> > 11.She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY
> > SUPERIOR.
> >
> >
> > 12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.
> >
> >
> > HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
> >
> >
> > 1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID STORAGE
> > FACILITY.
> >
> >
> > 2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
> >
> >
> > 3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
> > DESTINATIONS.
> >
> >
> > 4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
> >
> >
> > 5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY
> > DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
> >
> >
> > 6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY
> > HORIZONTAL.
> >
> >
> > 7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL
> > CRANIAL INVERSION.
> >
> >
> > 8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
> >
> >
> > 9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
> >
> >
> > 10. He does not have a SMALL WILLIE - He is GENITALLY INEFFICIENT.
> >
> >
> > 11. He is not a WANKER - He is an OWNER OPERATOR.

[unclepete]

:rofl: OWNER OPERATOR. :rofl:

[Axilla]

Mr. Kleenex and Political Correctness?? :-?

[Clare Barnes]

Just back from an Archery SA meeting..."Bull****" Bingo opportunities were hard to find! :(

How about suggestions of 25 words more appropriate to archery meetings....... :lol: :lol:

[Dave Barnes]

i
we
you
her
him
it
was
money
archery
australia
state
then
there
why
what
who
where
boring
.....etc..........

that should make the meeting full of bull**** :wink: , how about when you get 3 rows you can walk out :lol:

[2Dogs]

A Moe girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter."I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says. "Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear. "No"
she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."


Another Moe girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor. Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"


Moe Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator. The man says
"Choose from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."


A Moe girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Sharon."
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
Sharon: "Yes."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Sharon: "Moe, mate."


A Moe girl was driving down the Gippsland Hwy when her car phone
rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the Gippie
Highway. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the Moe girl, "There's hundreds of them!"


A Moe girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Moe girl notices
something strange about the boots the Irish guy is wearing. She says,
"Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why duz one of
your boots 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it ?"
So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness and replies,
"Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is
for me roight foot and the one wit the L is for me left foot".
"Aw geez!" exclaims the Moe girl
"So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!"

[enseth]

Message From Management

Dear Staff

Welcome back to the office on this 1st day of the year. Please be advised that there are new rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our company.

ATTIRE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you
dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
Offenders" category.

SURGERY As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice day.

[Clare Barnes]

Obviously I'm not the only one having a quiet day at work.....just got sent these and need help with answers please! :-? :o No prizes...... :( ....though if you are at the AF dinner I could possibly buy you a drink! :D

1.John is standing behind Mary, and Mary is standing behind John. How is this possible ?
2.What beverage translates into Chinese as

[Michael Naray]

1. standing back to back
2. - forgot that one, used to know it
3. A torch?
4. the stars
5. ?
6.?
7.?

[Clare Barnes]

Thanks Michael......

....and thanks to unclepete's tagline I have the answer to 6 too.... :D

Q: How many people can read hex if only you and dead people can read hex?
A: 57006

[Marcus]

3: Streetlamp I would have said.
7: 'and'

[Clare Barnes]

Lots of you to share that one drink! :o :lol: :lol:

Keep thinking guys ... I'd like to be able to send back the answers before I leave work today.

[DrRalph]

2 Coca Cola? Or some chinese version of it
7 'and'

BTW 'DEAD' is hexadecimal for 57005 decimal.

% I don't know, but 'If it ain't broken, don't fix it.' might come close. See also

http://www.missouri.edu/~rsocjoel/rs150/papers/ws994-1.html

[Zoe]

Clare, try:

Standing back to back; Cocacola; Streetlight; The stars; The spare tyre is on the left wing of the kazoo; 57006; The word "and"

They should be right, but the Amish one is controversial :roll: :roll: :roll:

[DrRalph]

Comprehensive Zoe. Where's the scope for an argument there? Next topic please.

How about obscure proverbs:

'Rather a bit correctly than much incorrectly. '

Where's that from?

[Clare Barnes]

Thanks everyone. Number 5 seems pretty weird Zoe, but so far there have been no other suggestions for it....I might just send the answers back and see if it gets questioned! :o

At the AF dinner I will ask for one drink and 4 straws....... :D :D

[OldDog]

GRRRRRRRRR

I smell outside assistance

You just wait you pair. :fist:

[Zoe]

Noel, I did use the search engine for some of them I admit! Still not 100% on the Amish one though.

Dr. Ralph, sounds like something Harald would say :o

[OldDog]

And when did Mrs Barnes have her name changed to search engine. :wink: :D :D

[Clare Barnes]

How about obscure proverbs:

'Rather a bit correctly than much incorrectly. '

Where's that from?

Norway, hence Zoe's Harald comment! :D

[Zoe]

And when did Mrs Barnes have her name changed to search engine.

Ooh, that's a tricky one. Google is telling me nothing here. I will have a punt and say: for a brief period in 1987.

Am I close Clare?

:D :lol: :D

[OldDog]

The bad news is you have to start again, There should have been no punctuation between cocacola and streetlight. Nyaaaa Nyaaaa :D

[Clare Barnes]

The only connection I can see is that librarians are a source of information, as are search engines..... :-? :o

[OldDog]

My oh my, dancing around like a couple of fairys arent we. Just wait till next time. 0X

[ebola monkey]

My oh my, dancing around like a couple of fairys arent we. Just wait till next time.

Yeah; just wait. :wink:

http://www.websmileys.com/sm/animal/526.gif

[OldDog]

the suspense is killin me.

[Marcus]

NT and Ebola take your crap elsewhere fellas. I'm over it.

[OldDog]

Yes Sir :o

[frommy]

Jeez, Clare, life is tough in the Public Service. :cry:

And you even have to use your "phone a friend" option to get through the day. :(

:D :D

[Clare Barnes]

And you even have to use your "phone a friend" option to get through the day. :(

:D :D

I didn't phone anyone..... :o :P :angel:

[unclepete]

NT and Ebola take your crap elsewhere fellas. I'm over it.

I'm with you, Marcus.

[unclepete]

Thanks Michael......

....and thanks to unclepete's tagline I have the answer to 6 too.... :D

Q: How many people can read hex if only you and dead people can read hex?
A: 57006

Glad to be of assistance :D

Must be time to change taglines now that people know what the old one means

[unclepete]

The creation of pets


Where do pets come from?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him - DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a **** one way or the other.

[Clare Barnes]

A man goes into a library, and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "F*ck off, you won't bring it back."

(See, librarians do have a sense of humour, albeit warped! :D )

[unclepete]

:rofl:

[OldDog]

Thats pretty darn good bear. :D

[Axilla]

An academic type approaches the librarian and asks for a book on haemorrhaging viruses in primates. She consults the catalogue and asks, ‘would that be Ebola?’

‘Yes,’ he replies.

‘Well, we have only one but I must warn you that it’s very badly written.’ She says.

‘Who is the author?’ asks the academic.

Consulting the catalogue again, she replies, ‘Odd.... the author is not identified.’

Getting a little irritated, the academic snorts, ‘So you’re telling me that it’s crap and no one knows who wrote it?’

'Nobody much cares either,' says the librarian.

[StevenB]

Slamin' Sam

I love the monarchy and I love rooting. There is nothing more Aussie than rooting and Charles has proven once and for all he is ready to become the Queen of Australia.

And if you don't believe that the royals love Australia, look for cutaways of Prince Harrt, 3rd in line to the Australian throne at the Rugby this weekend and see what jersey he is wearing.

During my tenure with the Fat I have been accused of being negative - mainly by people who wouldn

[Clare Barnes]

IF WHEN YOU DROP A BUTTERED PIECE OF BREAD, IT DROPS BUTTER SIDE DOWN, AND A CAT ALWAYS LANDS ON ITS FEET. SO WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU TOOK A PIECE OF BUTTERED BREAD, STRAPPED IT ON THE BACK OF A CAT (BUTTER SIDE UP) AND DROPPED IT OFF CENTERPOINT TOWER?

Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back.

If the combined construction were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall. That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity!

A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, as, right after they make their graceful landing, several tons of red-hot starship and pissed off aliens will crash on top of them.

[Clare Barnes]

You could all of course just excuse any spelling mistakes on your ready adaptation to the following..... :lol: :lol:

EURO ENGLISH

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly,this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favor of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

In the sekond year there will be growing publik enthusiasm when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter!

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double leters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' wiz 'v'.

During ze fifz year ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kurs be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After ze fifz yer ve vil hav a rali sensibl ritn styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evriun vil find it ezi tu undrstand ech ozer.

[OldDog]

"Gott inn Himmel" :o :o

[Harald]

Wondering where Clare learned to write norwegian??? :roll: :D

[Axilla]

An Australian husband and wife, both dead-keen 3D archers, are touring the USA. As planned, they spend a full day at the best 3D course in the States.

The variety of targets on this course is amazing, all the big game animals, big cats, varmints, birds, etc. etc. Their last target is a beaver in natural habitat. When they finish this target, they head for the nearby clubhouse. The wife (as women do) intent on a pitstop at the toilets she’s spotted through the trees.

Just then, a spent arrow drops from the sky, grazing the wife. She’s okay, just a bit shaken, so the toilet is now a matter of priority.

Hubby locates the club medico and tells him what happened. Doc asks, ‘Where was she hit?’ ‘Between the beaver and the sh*thouse.’ ‘Hmmm…’ says Doc, ‘Not much room there for bandages, but I’d like to have a look at it.’ :D

[unclepete]

You know that Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail.

And, with his particular diet, he did suffer from bad breath.

This made him what?
A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

[Clare Barnes]

:rofl: Love it..... :D

[Clare Barnes]

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic.

After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good. So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On the Bridge of Sighs, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way.

As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the bodies into the canal below.

The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first, sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.

Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.

The vampires decided that they had had a marvellous dinner but that it was time to head back home and leave lovely Italy. As they started to walk away they began to hear some singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realised that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies.

They listened as the alligator sang.......

........Wait for it


......it's really bad


......no, it's really really bad




"Drained wops keep fallin' on my head." .... :D

[OldDog]

:rofl: Thanks bear, There goes another bloody keyboard. LOLOL

[Clare Barnes]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten... As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn t realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn. Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punchline does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. Where's Christian? he asked. He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again. Christian replied, No way, man. You'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy. I will not be tricked .

Justin cried back.... "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.........




(wait for it, wait for it)




....................... I'm a prawn again Christian"...!!!

[robbo]

:splat:

[unclepete]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anyhting you can do for it?"

"Well," says the vet, "Let's have a look at him."

So he picks up the dog up by its ears and has a good look at its eyes.

"Well," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's bloody heavy."

[unclepete]

This one's a special for Clare :D


Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied....

[abaggs]

chuckle, chortle, snigger, laugh

[2Dogs]

BTW...just what breed of Bare are you? :wink:

[Axilla]

Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and towards the end of the program had already won

[robbo]

:rofl:

[James Park]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blond women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies ! that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

(scroll down)... I love this one ..

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FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

[robbo]

:D :D :D

[toxic_rabbit]

Digital camera for sale :lol:

http://www.toxicrabbit.com/images/digi-cam-for-sale.jpg

[mbomike]

that doesn't look good :o

[Axilla]

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

“What happened?” she asks. “I've never been with a woman,” he says. “But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!”

[James Park]

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk goes, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner goes, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" The clerk goes, "Of course you can! Look at him -- he's afraid to cough!"

[toxic_rabbit]

With all your honour and dignity, what would you do?

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought.
By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand
morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you
will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your
answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for
the test to work accurately.

You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact... There is great chaos going
on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods .......

There are huge masses of water all over you....

You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great
disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and
people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing
all
its destroying power and is ripping everything away with it.

Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying
not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer.
Somehow the man looks familiar.

Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him
away...forever.

You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of
your life.

So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer
prize winning photo. A unique photo displaying the death of one of the
world's most powerful men.



And here's the question: (Please give an honest answer)


.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.




Would you select colour film, or go with the simplicity of classic black and
white?

[unclepete]

The results are out for the Ozwords comp where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by adding or subtracting or changing only one letter, and supply a new and witty definition.

billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole

bludgie: a partner who doesn't work but is kept as a pet.

dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact.

fair drinkum: good quality Aussie wine.

flatypus: a cat which has been run over by a vehicle.

mate****: all your flatmate's belongings lying strewn around the floor.

shagman: an unemployed male roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity.

yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans.

bushwanker: a pretentious drongo who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub.

crackie daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.

shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.

technicolour lawn: the front yard after a rave party.

[robbo]

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after
the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I
want-and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand
that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether
you're here or not."

[unclepete]

OK, let's put a little spice in this thread.

Someone pick a topic and we'll see who has the best response 8)

[Flame]

OK, let's put a little spice in this thread.



Here is baby spice :D

http://www.users.on.net/wwwsys/Images/Forum/bspice.jpg

[unclepete]

OK, let's put a little spice in this thread.



Here is baby spice :D


Dammit Flame, I said spice not syrup of ipecac :o

[Flame]

OK, let's put a little spice in this thread.



Here is baby spice :D


Dammit Flame, I said spice not syrup of ipecac :o

At least Marcus won't pull this one :D

But then again he may because of bad taste :rofl:

[unclepete]

But then again he may because of bad taste :rofl:

:rofl:

Let's see if this one gets any response :D


A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

[Axilla]

It's not spice but............

A professor at the James Cook University is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he
asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.

"That's great. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student
way in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have
slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The student (who comes from way out west somewhere) replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the
podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!? From way back there I thought you said "goats."

[Axilla]

OK, let's put a little spice in this thread.

Someone pick a topic and we'll see who has the best response 8)

Okay, how about nicknames? Such as;

`Crayfish' Someone who's all arms and legs, and has a head full of sh*t


PS

Uhmmm.... Flame, why do you have photos of the Spice Girls? :o

[OldDog]

OK, let's put a little spice in this thread.



Here is baby spice :D

http://www.users.on.net/wwwsys/Images/Forum/bspice.jpg
hold up your hand with fingers outstretched and ask the question.... Whats that? Answer......A spice rack. :D :D

[Axilla]

You must know a few choice nicknames OD? :wink:

[OldDog]

Believe me I do Ax. :wink:

[Clare Barnes]

Do these count as racist against our Kiwi friends? :o

NORTH SHORE IDIOT
The North Shore Times News crime column reported that a man walked into Brookvale MacDonalds at 8:50AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because she said she couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered a Big Mac, the clerk said they weren't available until 10:30am as only the breakfast menu was on offer. Frustrated, the man walked away.

AUCKAND CITY IDIOTS
Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM machine in Auckland City's Queen Street by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their Toyota Landcruiser, but instead of pulling the front panel off the machine they pulled the bumper off their 4WD. Scared, and attracting attention from oncoming traffic, they left the scene and drove home, with the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and with their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. No, they did not use a stolen car.

SOUTH EAST AUCKLAND IDIOT
A man walked into a Open late dairy, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

EAST AUCKLAND IDIOT
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window with all his might. The brick bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Apparently, the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. And the whole event was caught on videotape, which the store owner consequently sold for use on TV.

WEST AUCKLAND IDIOT
As a female shopper exited the K-mart in St Lukes Mall, a man grabbed her purse and ran. A shop assistant at K-Mart called the Police immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher, trying to mingle in the shopping crowd on Queen Street. They put him in the car and drove back to the K-Mart store. The thief was then taken out of the car and up to the K-Mart front desk and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied: "Yes, Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

SOUTH AUCKLAND IDIOT
When a man attempted to siphon petrol from a motor home parked at Manukau, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal petrol and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. He had tried to siphon the petrol by first sucking it up the hose. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

[unclepete]

Oooohhh - a challenge :D

OK, let's see what we have for "crayfish":



Very late one night, an obviously drunk man weaves his way up to a taxi parked at a rank.
He leans in the passenger's window and says to the driver, "Exchoose me, but do you have room for half a dozen bottles of Fosters

[OldDog]

The Queensland version substitutes a bottle of bundy and a mudcrab :D

[unclepete]

The Queensland version substitutes a bottle of bundy and a mudcrab :D

No Moreton Bay bugs?

[OldDog]

They'll do Pete. :D :D

[Clare Barnes]

No Moreton Bay bugs?

With Bundy.....no way..... :o :roll:

A decent white wine is a far better prospect when eating Moreton Bay bugs! :D

[frommy]

Oh, Peter. Now we see your true dark side come out. 8)

[unclepete]

Oh, Peter. Now we see your true dark side come out. 8)

Where there's light, there's shadow. It's all about balance...

:D

[OldDog]

Balance is having enough moreton bay bugs in one hand to counteract a bottle of bundy in the other .
Light and shade be buggered, I'll take that menu day or night. :D

[unclepete]

:lol:

[frommy]

I therefore think it is lucky for all of us at the AF Jnr Nats Dinner in Sydney that unclepete was off his tucker that night. :D

[stodrette]

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, that might be OK in California and Massachusetts, but we ain't having any of that in Texas!"

[Axilla]

The challenge was meant to be nicknames, not bloody crayfish! :D

This guy I know has mis-aligned eyes, so he's called the punter, i.e. one each way.

[Robert de Bondt]

Girl's Diary
Monday 17 November 2003

Saw John in the evening and he was acting really
strangely I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls
and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that. The bar was
really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere
nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly
laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or
to what I was saying.
I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home. I wondered if he was going to
come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if
there was something the matter but he just half shook his
head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going
upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that
I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort
of smile.
He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was
surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a
bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave
me, and that he had found someone else.
I cried myself to sleep....

Boy's DiaryMonday 17 November 2003

Wallabies lost to New Zealand. Had sex though.

[unclepete]

The challenge was meant to be nicknames, not bloody crayfish! :D

This guy I know has mis-aligned eyes, so he's called the punter, i.e. one each way.

There was guy I knew called "Opium" because he was a slow working dope.

[katzgrin]

Dammit Flame, I said spice not syrup of ipecac :o

Interesting what this forum throws up! :cry:

[OldDog]

Worked with a bloke we called blisters....He only showed up after the hard work was done. :o

[katzgrin]

One of my son's friends is known as "whiteout" because he keeps correcting people.

[CMB50]

Worked with a bloke we called blisters....He only showed up after the hard work was done.

There's a guy at work we call rainbow for the same reason....

[frommy]

"avachat" - can't shut up
"notso" - familyname of Smart

[toxic_rabbit]

"notso" - familyname of Smart

:rofl:
I've got a mate that the whole group does that to him

[Axilla]

A bald guy - "Mudguard" - shiny on top and sh*t underneath.

A guy who lost fingers at a sawmill - "Clock" - One big hand and one little hand.

[The One]

A good friend of mine from college actually had the name Chris Peacock. Not really sure what his parents were on at the time, eh :-?

[Axilla]

Similar to a guy I worked with, his name was Jim Boyle...... we called him Lance.

And there's that very popular girl, nicknamed "Titanic", which, as we all know, went down on her (the ship) first time out.

And another workmate - "Candle" - he wasn't very bright.

[Robert43]

Knew a girl they called Homebush re about 20 years ago when a abbitors

JAFFA just another f...... ase hole

my team leader Jarad ie the prentender

goat lips

and like all new people who start in the factory all have the same name hey you

Robert

mine Bobby short for Bobby dazlar

[2Dogs]

http://www.strangecosmos.com/view.adp?picture_id=8380

:rofl: ..have a read of that, funny stuff...supposed to be real :lol:

[Rodger]

America's Finest News Source
http://www.theonion.com/

[Axilla]

Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you something.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back of the group, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay..."

[Axilla]

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little prick, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

[robbo]

:rofl:

[OldDog]

ditto robbo, that is way funny. :D

[Axilla]

I've got a few more I'll slip in from time to time. 8)

Like to see some others posted :(

[unclepete]

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy?
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

[Axilla]

Good one, unclepete :D :D

Someone's got to entertain the masses.

[unclepete]

Good one, unclepete :D :D

Someone's got to entertain the masses.

Well, I'm trying (very) :D

I issued a challenge a while back and it fizzled out, so every time someone posts a funny, I try to find something with the same theme. I keep finding loads of stuff in my archives that have me rolling on the floor.

Bring it on, folks :scatter:

[archer4518]

TEACHER: Children,tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a developement that is currently being built near your home, and the advantages that it will bring you.

At the end of the class, the teacher asks all the little girls to remain behind for five minutes.

TEACHER: Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning little Johnny's crude remarks. It is very likely that for tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any furthur problems, when he says something that appears rude, to get up and leave the classroom.

Everybody agreed to this plan.

Next day Teacher: Is everybody ready with their assignment?
Go ahead Anita.

ANITA: Near my house there is a supermarket, now mummy doesn't have to go far to get bread and milk.

TEACHER: Very good Anita, yes Suzie?

SUZIE: Near my home they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter, and this permits him to work near home.

TEACHER: Very good Suzie.

At this point up goes little Johnny's hand, and the teacher asks, oh heavens Johnny, tell me what new developement is being built near your home?

LITTLE JOHNNY: Near my home they are building a brothel,

All the little ladies get up and start to leave, and little Johnny says, Hey relax whores, it hasn't opened yet!

[Axilla]

On the subject of Little Johnny........

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day and found him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom
onto his private. In an attempt to hide his full erection, Johnny's father bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously, "What ya doin', Dad?"

His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."

Johnny replied, "What ya gonna do, f**k him?"

[unclepete]

On the theme of 'kids' and 'construction':


A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.

One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunchbreaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?" "I will if those useless turds at the lumber yard ever bring us the frigging timber," replied the little girl.

[unclepete]

And on the subject of Little Johnny catching Daddy out:


Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace." Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly....

"MOMMYMOMMY, IWASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.."

Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her skirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy.."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and....."then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

[toxic_rabbit]

http://www.toxicrabbit.com/images/snake.jpg

:lol: :lol:

[Axilla]

I suspect you would be a Gary Larson fan, TR?

Continuing with Little Johnny.......

Little Johnny on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers.

Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say, "Hi there, little boy!"

One day little Johnny stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies. They reply, "Well, that is what size we imagine your penis to be... it’s just a joke!"

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. Little Johnny stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, "HI THERE, LADIES!

[unclepete]

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest cities.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.

"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."

"I'll give you $1000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than-"

"I'll give you $5000 for it!"

"But it's just not-"

"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."

Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."

[Axilla]

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.

She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree"!

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly. She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she
managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Tarzan check for bees first!"

[unclepete]

Q. What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish shepherd?

A. The Stones say "Hey you! Get off of my Cloud." and The Scottish Shepherd says "Hey McCloud! Get off of my ewe.

[archer4518]

Why wasn't Jesus born in Goondiwindi?

Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin :D :D

[mbomike]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[OldDog]

If they looked closer they could have found all four in one package. :D :D :D

[mbomike]

Did 2Dogs EAT them :o

[unclepete]

Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men?

They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.

[mbomike]

Is your wife looking over your shoulder at the moment Pete? :roll:

[unclepete]

Is your wife looking over your shoulder at the moment Pete? :roll:

No. Isn't that right, dear?

[unclepete]

Good - she's gone...

And as they were leaving, they would be bagging out the decor, wondering why anyone would choose 'that' colour for the swaddling cloths, and making bets on how long it would take to get the casserole dish back :)

[katzgrin]

One for the cat lovers. Try this link http://home.wanadoo.nl/annekebroenink/maukie2.swf

Just move the cursor around the cat and in front of the paws. Try rubbing the cats head or tummy. Would this make a 3d target? Feral cat.

[Aarleks]

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.... :o :lol: :lol: :lol:

How many here have done this? :lol:
http://media.ebaumsworld.com/beerparty.wmv

[CMB50]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:

[OldDog]

To see gregory Peck. :lol:

[Axilla]

:rofl:


Maybe the chicken saw Rooster on the other side. :D

[robbo]

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.... :o :lol: :lol: :lol:

How many here have done this? :lol:
http://media.ebaumsworld.com/beerparty.wmv

That's a bit crook. :-?

[unclepete]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

[Foxcub]

i think you you all have had a little bit to much of this Light Relief

[unclepete]

i think you you all have had a little bit to much of this Light Relief

If this is how silly we get with the Light Relief, imagine what it would be like if we were drinking the full strength ones :)

[Axilla]

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only
humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my Ridgeback on the verandah. The neighbours' cat came around the
corner, saw my dog and went "Ffffffffff! Ffffffffffff! Ffffffffff!", and before it could say "F**k me!", the dog tore
into him!"

[unclepete]

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

? Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

? Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

? Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

? Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

? Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

? Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

[Flame]

and while we are on cats ................

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body,in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck
between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of
"allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue(something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

[toxic_rabbit]

I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

:lol: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :lol:

[toxic_rabbit]

http://www.toxicrabbit.com/images/smcatcaffeine.jpg

http://www.toxicrabbit.com/images/smkitten.jpg

http://www.toxicrabbit.com/images/sm00.jpg

[Dave Barnes]

http://www.toxicrabbit.com/images/smkitten.jpg
:rofl: Priceless

[juniormum]

Uncle Pete, I have just read your cat story. Brought a smile to my face. Have you ever thought of writing children's stories? Your cat story with pictures would be hilariously funny.

You may have found a new niche in life!!!!!!!!!!!

Keep the stories coming. Anything that puts a smile on someones face is worth printing.

Have a good one

[Rednock]

Something to help those that find it difficult to get to sleep at night.

http://www.spassmonkey.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/flash/counting_sheep.html

[Axilla]

Well done, Unclepete - nothing like originality.

I guess we'll have to produce original jokes soon, we'll run out of ready-made ones one day.

Now there's a challenge. :wink:

[Clare Barnes]

In retaliation to Unclepete's cat bathing......

How to give a cat a pill.........

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw away T-shirt and fetch new one from the bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

[Clare Barnes]

Whilst on the topic of cats (aren't we always?) :wink: :D :

Cat Physics (this is originally from a book called "Cat Physics" by G. A. Mendenhall)

1 - Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

2 - Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

3 - Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract