Old Light Relief Thread

[Flame]

might be time for the pancho jokes :D

[Eberbachl]

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

:rofl:

2 Weavels were born as twins and grew up in the same circumstances. When they became adults the first went on to become a doctor with his own practise and made alot of money. The other could not find work and lived on the dole.

It turns out he is the lesser of two weavels

:rofl:

[Axilla]

might be time for the pancho jokes :D

Throw in a pancho joke, Flame - not sure I'm familiar with them.




Three guys walk into a bar - You'd think one of them would have noticed it.

[unclepete]

A fish swimming along suddenly swims right into a concrete wall.

"Dam" says the fish

[Flame]

Meanwhile back at the ranch
Pancho, disguised as a tree
got his nuts shot off

[Marcus]

Possible Bomb Found at Melbourne Airport

Breaking news on the TV. A coffin was found to have traces of chemicals in it that could be used to make explosives. Staff have been evacuated and media are on the scene.
The chemical is often used in bomb making, however also used in cleaning and embalming.
(the reporter did start to smirk at that point)

[Axilla]

If you'd like to see a duck on a pond.......


http://www.ozemail.com.au/~axila/Photos.htm

[Oldtimer]

I hope, Axilla, that one day you'll mature somewhat

[archer4518]

Duck on the pond blocked already. W T F ?

[Marcus]

While I have no problem with Axilla's post, keep in mind everyone that sometimes people rerad our forum at work, and if they click on a link that features nudity (without knowing this is what they will see) it can put their jobs at risk.
So please avoid posting such stuff. Same goes with nudity in other areas.
Thank you

[Juggs]

can you send the pic via pm??

[Axilla]

I blocked the link myself when it became apparent that some would find it offensive.

The irony appealed to me, as it did to the person who sent it to me, the nudity not being the point.

Point taken and appreciated, Marcus, will be more circumspect in future. :oops:

[Robert43]

Dam now you have me wondering about the picture Robert

[CMB50]

It's pity the stats on threads and posts aren't still available, because this thread would be amongst the longest and most viewed on the forum! :o

[toxic_rabbit]

Man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says "**** off, you won't bring it back"

[Pat Mole]

lol

[Robert43]

Wow 1 year and 5 for this thread :multi:

[Marcus]

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3DAAA shoot at Mornington 30th November!




How good is it that the 2004 Jr Nationals got almost 4000 views!
Also Archery Babe of the Year has had more views than most archery websites in this country. ;)

[robbo]

sometimes people rerad our forum at work, and if they click on a link that features nudity (without knowing this is what they will see) it can put their jobs at risk.


And the moral of this story is, don't use the company's computer for personal use during work hours. :D

[Clare Barnes]

Another blonde one... :D

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around!

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up.....

And I haven't heard back.

[unclepete]

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.

The blonde agreed to the conditions and starts right away. The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."

On the third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse."

The boss pulled the new employee in and says, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?"

The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."

[robbo]

:rofl:

[Axilla]

A blonde went out for a walk. She came to a river and saw another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo," she shouted, "how can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looked up the river, then down the river, then shouted back, "You're already on the other side."

[Axilla]

This picture reminds me of someone but can't quite place who.

Any suggestions?

http://members.ozemail.com.au/~axila/Cat.jpg

[Rednock]

Two tourists were driving through Wales.
As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they finally stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are

[Kuru]

F Word

How could we ever get along without that dastardly "F"
word? Despite its detractors, many prominent people
in history have resorted to its use:

"What the **** was that?!?!" - Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where did all those ****ing Indians come from" - General
George Armstrong Custer

"Where is all this ****ing water coming from?" - Captain
of the Titanic

"Who's gonna' ****ing find out anyway?" - Richard Milhouse
Nixon

"Any ****ing idiot could understand that!" - Albert
Einstein

"How the **** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras

"You want what on the ****ing ceiling?" - Michaelangelo

"Well, **** a duck!!" - Walt Disney

"Why? What do you mean, 'Why?' Because it's ****ing
there!" - Sir Edmund F. Hillary

"I need this parade like a ****ing Hole-in-the-head!!"
John Fitzgerald Kennedy

"****ing partly cloudy with only a slight chance of
rain, MY ASS!" - Noah

[unclepete]

Continuing the science theme...


Here's a description of the new element that's been discovered:

Administratum
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratum, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However it does have:
1 neutron.
125 assistant neutrons
75 vice-neutrons
111 assistant vice-neutrons
This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratum is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every action with which it comes in contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratum causes one reaction to take four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second.

Administratum has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places.

Some studies have shown that atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratum occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities, and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratum is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratum can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

[frommy]

The number of arrows Unclepete shoots on a Saturday is in inverted quantity to the number of words he has posted on AF the previous day! :fadein:

[unclepete]

The number of arrows Unclepete shoots on a Saturday is in inverted quantity to the number of words he has posted on AF the previous day! :fadein:

I guess I'm leaving the bow at home tomorrow...

[frommy]

Archery. We shoot arrows, don't we? :-?

(Although my number of arrows shot of recent months seems to be dwindling.) :oops:

[toxic_rabbit]

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website - a Melbourne University Tourism Studies Major working in the summer holidays answered....

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What, did your last slave die off?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10.Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man- y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Yes, but only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

19. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

20. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[Robert43]

Cant help noticing a lot of these jokes are repeating them selves

[toxic_rabbit]

bah, who cares :P

[Axilla]

Battle of Hastings

King Harold was inspecting his troops on the eve of the Battle of Hastings, chatting with them a bit, trying to raise
their morale, that sort of thing.

He went to the swordsmen first, choosing a soldier at random from amongst the ranks. "Art thou ready for the battle
on the morrow?" he asked.

"Aye, that I am, sire," the swordsman responded eagerly.

"Dost thou use thy weapon well?" Harold asked, indicating the man's sword.

"Somewhat, my lord," the man replied. "Watch, if you please, sire," He bent down, picked up a handful of grass, flung it in the air, and swung his sword about. When the grass fell down again, it had been cut into a neat line of soldier figures.

"Good work, my man," said Harold, impressed, "and good luck in the battle."

"Thankee, sire," said the soldier.

King Harold proceeded to inspect the pikemen. "Art thou prepared for the battle?" he asked one of their number.

"Yea, sire," the man replied.

"Dost thou use thy pike well, my good man?" the King asked.

"Methinks so, my lord" the pikeman said. "Prithee, my lord, observe that flock of birds?" Harold nodded, and the pike flashed in the soldiers hand. It went sailing through the air, right through the centre of the flock, and when it came down five birds were skewered on it.

"Verily, thou art a master of the pike," said Harold.

He then went to the archers, who stood proudly with their longbows, looking intimidating even to someone on their side. "What be your name, my good man?" King Harold asked one bowman.

The man replied, “I am known as Axilla, my lord.”

"What canst thou do with that bow, then?" Harold asked him.

"I am not fully skilled as yet, sire, but I shoot well enough on occasion.”

"Well... seest thou that barn, about twenty yards away?"

The archer peered in the direction of Harold's pointing finger. "Aye, my lord," he said at last.

"Thinkest thou could hit that?"

"Methinks I can." He lined himself up with the barn, grunting with the effort of drawing the bow, and loosed the arrow, flinching mightily. It sailed past the barn, five feet too high and ten feet to the left.

"Do what thou canst in the battle,” said Harold.

Then the King turned to the captain of archery and said in an undertone, "I bid thee, watch out for that man on the morrow, wilt thou? He wilt have some poor soul’s eye out with that thing."

[unclepete]

I went loking for something on the battle of hastings. The following is what I found.



Richard Lederer

It is truly astounding what havoc students can wreak upon the chronicles of the human race. I have pasted together the following history of the world from genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade to college level. Read carefully and you will learn a lot. -RL


Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. Early Egyptian women often wore a garment called a calasiris. It was a sheer dress which started beneath the breasts which hung to the floor.

The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brothers birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch, who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

Later came Job, who had one trouble after another. Eventually, he lost all his cattle and all his children and had to live alone with his wife in the desert.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the river Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in the "Iliad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying,he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus." Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Rome came to have too many luxuries and baths. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. They took two baths in two days , and that's the cause of the fall of Rome. Rome was invaded by ballbearings, and is full of fallen arches today.

Then came the Middle ages, when everyone was middle aged. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery with brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful women. King Harold mustarded his troops before the battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. And victims of the blue-bonnet plague grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. During this time people put on morality plays about ghosts, goblins, virgins, and other mythical creatures. Another story was about William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Dontello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.

The government of England was a limited mockery. From the womb of Henry VIII Protestantism was born. He found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her Navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removeable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historic figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. His mind is filled with the filth of incestuous sheets which he pours over every time he sees his mother. In another play, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. The clown in "As You Like It" is named Touchdown, and Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
"Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
"Paradise Lost". Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained".

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His
ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Sante Fe.

Later the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. His farewell address was Mount Vernon.

Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Lincoln said, "In onion there is strength."

Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltair invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

[Aarleks]

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis

:rofl: :rofl:

[Axilla]

Good ones in there, Pete. :D :D

Queen Victoria sure looked like she was sitting on a thorn. Preferable to remain a slave rather than be emasculated.

BTW, Battle of Hastings was a first-hand account, past lives you know...

[Jay Bowden]

“6 Minutes in Hell for 90mt’s of Euphoria”

The story of an arrows addiction to speed



You are held captive in a dark tube into which you were thrust head down with a few of your fellow speed junkies. Not a good place, but if its tube 1 or 2 you’re lucky.
Tubes 1 or 2 are the ones reserved for the good arrows, the ones that fly the best, the ones that score the most.
It’s not long before you are grabbed by the tail, slid along a rest and had your legs spread by a thick rope thrust up to your groin. You put up with this, because you know it won’t be long before you get your next rush. Gently you slide along the rest all the way up to your neck, you wait, and you feel your master making small adjustments before setting you loose. It’s windy; you’ll have to try hard to hit the gold for fear of being relegated to tube 3.

It starts; you feel the familiar push in your groin. Painful at first, but it eases, the force travels along your entire body, you bend, but your years of breeding and conditioning have taught you not to yield. The push increases, commanding you to start your journey. Slow at first, gradually increasing, the force of acceleration is part of the rush you enjoy so much, so much that you completely ignore the rope being ripped from your groin. You’re free; your destiny awaits you, and you alone. The wind rushes past, you feel its drag on your tail vanes; you fly high, looking down on the world. You are King.
You see your destination approaching fast, you brace yourself for impact, this is going to hurt. You feel yourself losing altitude and you hope you have performed well.

Blackness, heat, pain, slowly it dissipates and only the darkness remains. You wait, fearing that you’ll be stuck from behind and placed in tube 4 for the rest of the day,
This is a risk you must take. You know you’ve done well if others join you in the same corner of darkness and share your anxiety until the impacts stop.

One by one you are dragged out into the light, checked over for any damage, wiped clean and thrust back into the dark tubes.

Ahhhhhh tube 1.

[robbo]

Very clever. :D

[Harald]

Like I always say: Be the arrow.... but make sure you were a helmet 8)

[CMB50]

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat pretty much the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can do all these things...

Then you are probably the family dog!

[DrRalph]

My wife Denise is starting archery, and she has been looking around for pictures in the media about archery. She has started a collection of picture showing the photgraphers/artists complete misconceptions about archery. Here's an example:

http://macnab.anu.edu.au/~ralph/archery/funnyform1.jpg

To be fair it is a drawing, but is it some kind of Zen nighttime flight shoot with an upside down Japanese bow? Love the nocking in front of the fletches.

Anyone got more examples (like Amazon queen and the reversed bow).

[Axilla]

There were two fish in a tank. One of them said to the other: 'How do you drive this thing?'

[CMB50]

Here's one Ralph.
Got the arrow resting on the wrong side of the riser. :roll:

http://delivery.gettyimages.com/comp/at3053-002.jpg?x=x&dasite=GETTYIMAGES&ef=1&ev=1&dareq=4C35203A5C0007404054405E4051415F485F

[unclepete]

...and the string's gunna take a huge slice off his wrist...

[CMB50]

and another..... don't even know where to start with all the faults in this one.

http://delivery.gettyimages.com/comp/huynhs0053c.jpg?x=x&dasite=GETTYIMAGES&ef=1&ev=1&dareq=4C28245F18140A1D181243434552105F485F

[DrRalph]

He's got a reealy tiny head. And two badly bruised fingers too.

[Robert43]

try this 1 got it off archerytalk.com www.ebaumsworld.com/crimsonroom

[Robert43]

Sorry I stuffed up try this www.ebaumsworld.com/crimsonroom.htlm Robert and find out how long it takes you

[Robert43]

I give up go to www.archerytalk then soapbox then puzzle by billy ray not my night

[CMB50]

i think this is what you meant:

www.ebaumsworld.com/crimsonroom.html

[Robert43]

Thanks sums up my day

[toxic_rabbit]

Argh you cant stop, I dunno how long it took me, did'nt time it. 10 mins mabee

[unclepete]

Grrrrrrrrr - can't open the freakin' box... what's with that damn ring?

[toxic_rabbit]

Hehehe

[robbo]

Can't find the battery. :-?

[Robert43]

Good to see I wasnt the only one to have fun with it Robert

[unclepete]

Hehehe

Go ahead, laugh :2gunfire:

[unclepete]

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer.

IN PRISON.. you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors
for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers

Have a Great Day at WORK !!

[OldDog]

In prison you cant go home at night. :roll:

[unclepete]

In prison you cant go home at night. :roll:

Does your work let you go home? :o

[OldDog]

Bit hard to bring rolls of carpet home pete. :D

[unclepete]

Bit hard to bring rolls of carpet home pete. :D

I'd heard you were a rugged bloke, but.......carpet?


:D

[OldDog]

commercial flooring contractor dude. heavy crap. :roll:

[frommy]

I can relate to those features UnclePete. :lol:

[unclepete]

A mate just sent me this. It explains why I can read some of the stuff posted here :D



Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

[Axilla]

THE BLACK ARROW


I’m the ‘Black Sheep’ of the set. Yeah, sure, you’ve read about those ‘Yassuh Massah’ and ‘I’ll do my very best’ sycophantic arrows whose sole ambition is to hit the 10 and reside in Tube 1.

I’m the rebel, the non-conformist, but not conspicuously so. Mine is a waiting game, a contest of wits between me and the archer, even if he doesn’t realise it. Ninety-nine percent of the time I do what’s expected, enduring the groin-thrust launch and the target head-butt, seeking the 10. Actually, I quite enjoy the launch.... but that’s another story.

I choose my moment carefully. It’s usually that time in the comp when points are crucial. I’ll shuffle around in the quiver (Tube 1, of course) to ensure that I’m the last to be shot – it’s a good ar*e-saving measure too – now I’m ready to ruin the archer’s day.

Thus far, he’s scored 50 this end. The other five have dutifully strained their spines to throw themselves into the 10, a couple of X’s too, bet they’re pleased with themselves. Suckers!

I sense he’s nervous as he fits me to the bow, good, maybe I can squirm on the rest and encourage a flinch. He needs a nine for a win, and also a PB. The launch: Aaaahhhh.... (sorry), it’s not particularly good, but I could hit the nine with a little effort.

No way! This is my chance, I flex away from the gold. The worst I can manage is a linecutter six, good enough, he loses by two. Yes! He looks at me despondently as the end is scored, blaming himself, I’ve done it again.

I know better than to do this too often, I don’t want to be marked. Never do it in practice, just those times when it really matters, so I remain anonymous.

By the way, I hate Stramit, real headache material that stuff. Also, I’m glad he’s changed to tie-on nocks, those brass numbers were hell on my cheeks.

With apologies to JB.

[Killjoy]

Crimson room...

For those going nuts with the game...



The rings and metal stick open the box.
The cassette and battery go into the box
The box then plays a movie

The guy in the movie indicates a place on the wall; if you click that three times, you see a safe. You click on the safe, it opens. There is a combination and a key hole.
I went to the url in the note and used the date 1994 as the combination and the safe opens... inside is a screwdriver.
The screwdriver takes off the doorknob, and lets you out! woohoo!

[Robert43]

I was goning to let them suffer for a while :x

[Killjoy]

I was goning to let them suffer for a while :x

Evil...evil... u are evil... :rofl: still they got to go find the stuff... :wink:

[James Park]

Regarding The Black Arrow:
I recall some years ago we had an archer in Victoria who, when he had an arrow do such things, whether his fault or the arrow's, simply and calmly pulled it out of the target and broke it across the target stand leg. Each arrow had one chance - the current shot.

[Eberbachl]

RE: The Crimson Room....

That game pissed me off! :lol:

I got everything no problem fine up to the movie. Watched the movie, and saw they guy pointing to the wall. I figured, OK there's a safe or something on the wall and I gotta click where he's pointing.

I tried clicking double, triple clicks etc....but was not clicking in the right spot :cry: You gotta be just on the right bit for the safe to pop up. From there it's easy :rofl:

Bastards :rofl:

[Axilla]

Hope it was pre-X10 days, James :)

[James Park]

Hope it was pre-X10 days, James :)
Yes, pre X10's.
He was using X7's - saw him go through about 10 in one tournament.

[Robert43]

That bloke sounds like a person who I use to work with but it was golf. He used to go through a lot of clubs and balls . He also use to talk to his hand a lot

[Killjoy]

RE: The Crimson Room....

That game pissed me off! :lol:

I got everything no problem fine up to the movie. Watched the movie, and saw they guy pointing to the wall. I figured, OK there's a safe or something on the wall and I gotta click where he's pointing.

I tried clicking double, triple clicks etc....but was not clicking in the right spot :cry: You gotta be just on the right bit for the safe to pop up. From there it's easy :rofl:

Bastards :rofl:

That part got me too... the trick is to leave the mouse cursor where the x is..and wait for the movie to stop...

[Eberbachl]

That part got me too... the trick is to leave the mouse cursor where the x is..and wait for the movie to stop...

Precisely :wink:

[freestyler]

HELP !!!!
I cant open the damn safe.I'm seeing 4 digit numbers in my bloody sleep :o :o

[Eberbachl]

HELP !!!!
I cant open the damn safe.I'm seeing 4 digit numbers in my bloody sleep :o :oThe safe combo is 1994, then use the key as well to open it....

[freestyler]

Thanx. :D

[unclepete]

Okay, what safe?

I've got a key that doesn't open anything (and two keys that do), a piece of paper, a ring, an empty CD case and a box. I've put the ring on the box, flipped it several times, and now I want to kill something... :snipersmile:

[Killjoy]

Okay, what safe?

I've got a key that doesn't open anything (and two keys that do), a piece of paper, a ring, an empty CD case and a box. I've put the ring on the box, flipped it several times, and now I want to kill something... :snipersmile:

The box is a projector.. to open the box u need 2 rings and a rod. The 2nd ring is found by opening and closing the curtain afew times.

Once u get the projector open u need a battery and the tape.

This will play a dancing man movie and he will point out the location of the safe to you.

[CMB50]

VIRUS WARNING!

here is a new virus - code name "Work".

If you receive "work" from your colleagues or your boss, via e-mail, 'phone or anywhere else, do not touch "work" under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come into contact with this virus, follow these steps:

1) Put on your jacket
2) Round up two good friends
3) Go straight to the nearest pub
4) Order three drinks, 14 times

You will find that "work" has now been completely deleted from your brain.

Alert at least 5 friends immediately of this virus.

Should you realise that you do not have 5 friends this means that you are already infected by this virus and "work" already controls your whole life.

[unclepete]

Okay, what safe?

I've got a key that doesn't open anything (and two keys that do), a piece of paper, a ring, an empty CD case and a box. I've put the ring on the box, flipped it several times, and now I want to kill something... :snipersmile:

The box is a projector.. to open the box u need 2 rings and a rod. The 2nd ring is found by opening and closing the curtain afew times.

Once u get the projector open u need a battery and the tape.

This will play a dancing man movie and he will point out the location of the safe to you.

This is a game? Aren't games supposed to be fun?

I usually rip through these sort of puzzles but this one has me stuffed. Where's the rod?

Don't give me any more spoilers...

[unclepete]

Alert at least 5 friends immediately of this virus.

Should you realise that you do not have 5 friends this means that you are already infected by this virus and "work" already controls your whole life.

What's a 'Friend'?

[Killjoy]

Okay, what safe?

I've got a key that doesn't open anything (and two keys that do), a piece of paper, a ring, an empty CD case and a box. I've put the ring on the box, flipped it several times, and now I want to kill something... :snipersmile:

The box is a projector.. to open the box u need 2 rings and a rod. The 2nd ring is found by opening and closing the curtain afew times.

Once u get the projector open u need a battery and the tape.

This will play a dancing man movie and he will point out the location of the safe to you.

This is a game? Aren't games supposed to be fun?

I usually rip through these sort of puzzles but this one has me stuffed. Where's the rod?

Don't give me any more spoilers...

Its some where on the bed... lift up the pillow and click somewhere along the head board of the bed.. i can't rem exactly which spot.

[unclepete]

Its some where on the bed... lift up the pillow and click somewhere along the head board of the bed.. i can't rem exactly which spot.

there's a key under the pillow - already had that. Clicked all over the headboard and the mattress and pillow - nothing there

[unclepete]

Its some where on the bed... lift up the pillow and click somewhere along the head board of the bed.. i can't rem exactly which spot.

there's a key under the pillow - already had that. Clicked all over the headboard and the mattress and pillow - nothing there

Found the rod - missing battery...

[Flame]

battery on far side of the bed
put all the stuff in the box and then you can find the battery
Click around the base of the bed

[Kuru]

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap

1 toothbrush

1 tube toothpaste

1 loaf of bread

1 pint of milk

1 single serving cereal

1 single serving frozen dinner

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single are you?" The woman replies very sarcastically, "How did you guess?" He replies, "because you're f*cking ugly!"


A man was having serious medical problems and had an appointment to see his doctor. He was so distraught over the likely possibility of bad news that he asked his son to go along with him.
Sure enough, the doctor announced that the man had terminal cancer and had only a short time to live. Needless to say, he was devastated. Finally the son consoled him enough to leave the office and they decided to go to the local tavern and bury their sorrows in alcohol.

When they entered the bar, all the man's friends were there. They saw how bad he looked and one pal commented, "It looks like you just saw the grim reaper!" The man replied, "Yeah, I just saw my doctor and I've got AIDS."

Astonished, the son pulled his dad over to the side and said, "Dad, I was with you at the doctor's office and he said that you have terminal cancer, not AIDS." To which the man replied, "I know that, but I don't want any of those bastards f*cking your mother after I'm dead!!!!!!"

[Kuru]

One night a wino was wandering the streets looking for a place to sleep for the night. He was so tired that he ended up crashing in the parking lot of a gay club. That night two drunk patrons are walking to their car and see the wino crashed out by the back dumpster. They walk over to him, flip him over and start doing him up the ass.When they are done they slip $10 in his pocket and walk away.
The next morning the wino wakes up and finds $10 in his pocket. He rushes over to the nearest liquor store and says, "Give me $10 of your cheapest liquor!". The clerk obliges.

That night he falls asleep in the same parking lot. At the end of the evening the same two patrons walk out of the bar and see him again. They walk over to him, flip him over and start doing him in the ass, but this time they leave $20 for him.

The next morning the wino finds the money and goes to the same liquor store and says, "Give me $20 of your best liquor. The clerk looks at him and says, "You could get more if you get the cheap stuff. The wino replies, "I know, but that cheap **** makes my ass hurt."




One day a mother was cleaning her son's room, and in the closet she found a S & M magazine. Unsure of how to confront her son, she hid the magazine until his father got home. She showed her husband what she had found while she was cleaning. He looked at the S & M magazine and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

He looked back at her hesitantly and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."




A Jamaican guy gets stranded on a deserted island when he finds a lamp washed up on the beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin he rubbed it, and POOF! a Genie appeared, a Jewish Genie. "Oy Vey!", exclaimed the Genie, "Am I glad to be outta there. Three hundred years I been in that thing, my life and soul! What can I do for you my boy?"
The Jamaican asked the Genie if he granted wishes. "Wishes, Schmishes! Course I do. I'll grant you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta think about my margins." "Well," said the Jamaican after some consideration, "I'd like to be white and surrounded by women." "No problem" said the Genie, and with a wave of his hand the Jamaican was transformed into a tampon.

Moral: Never do business with a Jewish Genie. There's always a string attached.

[Killjoy]

battery on far side of the bed
put all the stuff in the box and then you can find the battery
Click around the base of the bed


TO Find the battery, Do not face the bed. FAce the blank wall(the wall opposite the window) and click at the left lower corner. The batt is on the edge of the bed between the bed and wall.

[unclepete]

This is a specially formulated diet, designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day:

BREAKFAST:
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 chocolate biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the chocolate biscuits in the packet
1 tub of Rocky Road ice cream with choc-ice topping
1 jar Nutella

DINNER
4 bottles of red wine
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza

LATE NIGHT SNACK
Whole frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

DIET RULES:
1. If no-one sees you eat something, it has no calories
2. When drinking a diet-coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate bar is cancelled out by the diet-coke.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes does NOT count (for example: chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka)
5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner.
6. Cinema-related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake (this includes: popcorn, minties, maltesers, jaffas and frozen cokes)
7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up causes calorie leakage.
8. Food licked from knives and spoons has no fat if you are in the process of cooking something.
9. Foods that are the same colour have the same amount of fat. Examples are: spinach and peppermint icecream; apples and red Jelly snakes.
10. Chocolate is a food-colour wildcard and may be substituted for any other colour.
11. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of calorie mass.
12. Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and the fat will cling to his/her plate

And remember:

STRESSED SPELT BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS.

[Axilla]

A little story which reveals the truth about the Lone Ranger.

It's a little off-centre so be warned it contains adult themes.

Prudes, be prudent. Wowsers not welcome.

The Lone Ranger - The Truth (http://www.ozemail.com.au/~axila/TLR.htm)

[unclepete]

A little story which reveals the truth about the Lone Ranger.

It's a little off-centre so be warned it contains adult themes.

Prudes, be prudent. Wowsers not welcome.

The Lone Ranger - The Truth (http://www.ozemail.com.au/~axila/TLR.htm)

Very funny!!! :rofl: Access Forbidden. I always wondered what "kemosabe" meant :D :D

[freestyler]

I like your diet uncle pete been on it for years lol :roll:

[robbo]

You worked the crimson room out yet Pete? :D

[unclepete]

You worked the crimson room out yet Pete? :D

Yep. It was frustrating me. It wasn't so much a puzzle as 'find which pixel to click on'

[robbo]

You worked the crimson room out yet Pete? :D

Yep. It was frustrating me. It wasn't so much a puzzle as 'find which pixel to click on'

Or when to click, at first I was clicking the wall before the move finished. :-?

[unclepete]

Hey Harald, did you have a busy day on Thursday?

http://washingtontimes.com/upi-breaking/20040401-051438-2909r.htm

[Axilla]

A little story which reveals the truth about the Lone Ranger.

It's a little off-centre so be warned it contains adult themes.

Prudes, be prudent. Wowsers not welcome.

The Lone Ranger - The Truth (http://www.ozemail.com.au/~axila/TLR.htm)

Technical hiccup corrected - Link working.

If nothing else, Pete, you'll know the true meaning of 'Kemo Sabe'. :)

[unclepete]

A little story which reveals the truth about the Lone Ranger.

It's a little off-centre so be warned it contains adult themes.

Prudes, be prudent. Wowsers not welcome.

The Lone Ranger - The Truth (http://www.ozemail.com.au/~axila/TLR.htm)

Technical hiccup corrected - Link working.

If nothing else, Pete, you'll know the true meaning of 'Kemo Sabe'. :)

I suppose, among all the cats and dogs on this forum, it's not surprising to find yet another sick puppy :roll:

[unclepete]

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field.

Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.

With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.

Thus distracted, he succeeded in only coming in second.

He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously HAMPERED!!!

[unclepete]

For those who actually watched the Lone Ranger (as opposed to Axilla's LTR which must have been televised on Uranus) here's a little reminder of the way things were:

http://www.skypoint.com/members/joycek19/ranger.htm

[Clare Barnes]

Do you need an excuse for a few days off (to attend the Nationals of course!)? Here's one I read recently...... :D

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter- patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.

At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements.

Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known. :oops: :oops:

[OldDog]

:rofl: Cats revenge by claud balls.

[Flame]

:rofl: Cats revenge by claud balls.

thought the same

That goes way back - jeese we are old :D

[James Park]

Of course all you oldies would know who wrote "At the bottom of the cliff"?

[Flame]

yep

couple of authors come to mind :D

[OldDog]

Roosters mistake by rhoda duck. :o

[coach]

WHAT? yeah caps lock!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

[Axilla]

Of course all you oldies would know who wrote "At the bottom of the cliff"?

I give up, who is it? I'm either not old enough (doubtful) or was in therapy at that time. :D

[unclepete]

Of course all you oldies would know who wrote "At the bottom of the cliff"?

I give up, who is it? I'm either not old enough (doubtful) or was in therapy at that time. :D

Ivor Lover

[James Park]

Eileen Dover

[Axilla]

A corny book title along similar lines......

'Hire A Groundsman' by Ava Gardener

[coach]

ok you want corny? "Yellow River" by I.P Daily and "Spot On The Wall " by The Hon. Hoo Flung Dung :cry: Sad

[CMB50]

"essential rope skills" by Hank Knott.

8)

[Axilla]

'The Future of Robotics' by Cy Borg and Anne Deroid, with a forward by Rob Ott. 8)

[coach]

Now that,s really SAD! :D

[unclepete]

"essential rope skills" by Hank Knott.

8)

Wasn't that Granny Knott?

:D

[Axilla]

A couple last 'sad' ones I feel the need to inflict on you:

'Great Parties' - by Maud D'merrier

'Intrusive Procedures' - by Colin Auscapy

Hopefully that's all. :D

[Axilla]

AN EASTER STORY

THE BOWHUNTER AND THE EB

Easter Saturday, SWMBO* has demanded fresh venison for Sunday. Frank’s quite happy to comply, anything to escape the harridan for a few hours and enjoy the solitude of the forest. He’s in the good books anyway, largely due to the Imbil pub being closed Good Friday.

So here he is, trusty Avalanche in hand and quiver full of Goldtip XT’s. Frank’s just sauntering along, enjoying the sights, sounds and smells of the forest. ‘There’s no reason to hurry,’ he muses to himself, ‘I’ll find deer when I need to.’ Frank is very good friends with himself, conversations in his head can go on for hours.

A flash of white through the trees in his peripheral vision jolts Frank out of his reverie. His first thought is, ‘Rangers!’ ‘Nah,’ says his other self, ‘Those bastards don’t wear white.’ His next thought is that the Yowie has wandered down from Kilcoy. ‘There’s no such thing,’ his inner self replies, ‘Besides, there’s never been a report of a white yowie, that’s the Yeti.’

Still, Frank has to find out what this thing is. He shifts into stalking mode and heads in the direction he’s seen the flash.

Years of hunting, and sneaking in late from the pub, have honed Frank’s skill in this ancient art; he is soundless and almost invisible. Catching several more glimpses of white, and altering course to suit, he closes in on his quarry.

Soon Frank gets his first good look at the white creature, from the rear. He’s so astonished, he nearly drops his bow. Whatever it is, it’s about a metre tall, covered in snow white fur, has large floppy ears, and is gambolling along on two huge feet while carrying what looks like a basket, hooked over one ‘arm’.

Unsure of what’s his best move, Frank fits an arrow to his bow in case this ‘thing’ attacks. The ‘snick’ of cocking the release aid alerts the white creature. It stops, turns, and regards Frank with very large eyes set above a twitchy pink nose and an impressive pair of buck teeth.

‘Say, bub, ya ain’t hunting me wid dat thing, are ya?’ it says. Frank’s astonishment cranks up several more levels to the max, as, in a nanosecond, he vows never to drink again nor touch those cute little mushrooms he sometimes finds on the forest floor. Frank’s vocal chords are frozen along with the rest of him, and his skin is several shades whiter that the fur of the oddity facing him.

‘Eeehhh, what’s up, pal? Ya never seed a talkin’ rabbit before?’ Frank is deep in the surreal by now, somehow this helps him deal the situation. ‘Nnnoo, mate, I haven’t.’

‘Not many have, bud, ya snuck up on me pretty good. Point that thing somewheres else, would ya, I got a big day tomorrow, don’t need no arrow stuck in my ass.’ Frank’s sanity reels again as he realizes just who/what he’s talking to. ‘Holy Sh*t, you’re the Easter Bunny!’ ‘No kiddin’, and they say Aussies ain’t real bright. I gotta go get some more practice for tomorrow, take it easy pal.’ With that, the ‘rabbit’ hops off through the trees, fading as it goes.

Frank slowly puts the arrow back in the quiver, then sits down on a stump. He feels like an atheist who has just met God. Strangely enough, he also feels a sense of peace as his sanity returns to reasonable levels, and it’s not long before he and his inner self put things in perspective.

He knows that he can’t tell anyone about this encounter, some would thinks he was crazy, and it would just confirm the suspicions of others. He also reneges on his vow of sobriety, he feels he deserves a drink tonight.

Frank resumes walking through the forest, keeping a sharp lookout for Yowies, or, for that matter, even Yetis. After all, he’s just been forced to believe there is no such thing as ‘No such thing.’


*She Who Must Be Obeyed.

[unclepete]

Never say never.

Hey, Axilla, between your prose and OldDogs poetry, we're quite the literary Forum.

C'mon OldDog, the bar has ben set. How about an Easter poem :D

[Marcus]

Samples of Irony

I can't pay my Bigpond ADSL account over the Internet, they don't have that ability.
I wonder if this is because their service isn't reliable enough. ;)

[Axilla]

How about an Easter poem :D

There's a fair bit of subject material with Easter and the Nationals - But I have heard that creative genius can't be rushed. :D

[katzgrin]

"essential rope skills" by Hank Knott.

8)

A piece of rope goes into a pub for a drink. The barman looks at him and says "We don't serve ropes here. Get out!"

The rope slinks outside and thinks to itself "Gee I'm dry, what can I do to get a drink? I know!" It tied a knot at one end and teased out the fibres of the end sticking out. In fact it looked like Barnsey on a bad hair day.

The rope went back into the pub and before it got to the bar the barman said "I told you, we don't serve drinks to rope and you are a piece of rope aren't you"

The rope looked at the barman and said "No, I'm a frayed knot"

[Clare Barnes]

In fact it looked like Barnsey on a bad hair day.

Minor correction - I think David would call that a good hair day! :wink:

[OldDog]

How about an Easter poem :D

There's a fair bit of subject material with Easter and the Nationals - But I have heard that creative genius can't be rushed. :D

dunno bout the genius part but you are correct in what you say. It's not something that can be turned on at will. It usually takes a chateclismic event like a dust up with 2 dogs to set the rhyming juices flowing.
I'm bettin I will get material over the next week tho.(**** i hope his string breaks) :wink: :P :D :D :D

[Axilla]

Excerpt from revised Archery Definitions, for those who missed it.

Bundy Rum - Approved by SQAS (Shrewd Queenslanders Alcohol Selective) as a post-match tonic. Made in a tropical town where polar bears are quite common? Also promoted by some members of the For-Rum.

[Kuru]

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."



Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, the other four.
The nine-year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your Mom, huh.?" The nine-year old shakes his head and replies, Nope, not for my Mom."

Cashier: "Well, they must be for your sister then?"

Nine-year old: "Nope, not for my sister either."

Cashier, curious now: "If they're not for your Mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"

The nine-year old says, "They're for my four-year old brother."

Surprised, the cashier asks, "Your little brother right here??"

Nine year old explains: "Well, yeah! They say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike, and my little brother can't do either!"

[Kuru]

Why Email is Like a Penis


Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power.

They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior.

Later you may ask yourself, "Why on earth did I do that?"

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

[Kuru]

There were two Polacks who came over from Poland with only $50 to their name. The first thing they decided to do was buy a car. They went to a dealership and started looking around when a salesman approached them. He asks them what kind of car they are looking for and they don't really know. "Well, I have a nice new car here for $5000, and a used one for $500", he says. They tell him that they don't have that much money and so he asks how much they have. They tell him that they only have $50. The salesman thinks for a while and tells them that he has a camel in the back that he will sell for $50. The camel stops at red lights and goes on green lights. They are both very excited so they hand over the money and ride away.
Later that day, when the salesman is going home, he sees the two Polacks sitting on the curb crying their eyes out. He stops and asks them what's wrong. They say, "Well, everything was going great. We rode him and he did everything that you said. But when we got to this light two guys pulled up in a sports car and yelled, 'Hey look at the two assholes on the camel', and when we got off to look, the light turned green and the camel trotted off."


Q: What's the difference between a microwave and a gay guy?
A: The microwave won't brown your meat.

Q: What is the most common pick-up line heard in a gay bar?
A: Can I push in your stool???


There was this gay guy who had just passed away. His body was going to be cremated. He had 3 lovers. All of his lovers decided to split up the ashes so they could each mourn the man in their own special way.
The 1st lover asks the 2nd lover, "What are you going to do with his ashes?" he replies, "I'm going to take them up to the lake where we always would go for some quiet time together and sprinkle his ashes on the lake." "Oh, that sounds nice.", says the 1st lover.

The 1st lover then asks the 3rd lover, "What are you going to do with his ashes?" The 3rd lover replies, "Well, I think I'm going to keep them on my mantle so he can be with me always." "Oh, that's so sweet!", says the 1st lover.

Then the 2nd and 3rd lover both ask the 1st lover, "Well, what are you going to do with his ashes?" The 1st lover responds, "Well, I'm going to sprinkle them on my chili tonight so he can tear my ass up one more time!"

[unclepete]

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.

Then he heard of a very good ear specialist in Sweden, and went to him.

The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "Yes, I can put you right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, the man goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears."

"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's," said the doctor to calm the man down.

"You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"

[Dr Brik]

Alert to Men




Police are warning all men, but particularly Australian men, English men, Irish men, German men, Italian men and Scottish men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps, and in large "kegs." Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something had occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life`s savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. If you fall victim to this insidious scheme by predatory women, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Archery Clubs" in the yellow pages.

[Axilla]

A man is walking around the streets of New York one day when he spies an old friend of his from college. "Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"

"Well," Boris replies. "I am the piccolo player for the International Orchestra."

"Spectacular!" the man replies.

"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England; he loves the music. He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the tuba with gold and they fill the trombone with gold, and me with the goddamn piccolo.

"We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the tuba with silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and me with the goddamn piccolo.

"Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he says 'Shove the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the trombone doesn't fit. AND ME WITH THE GODDAMN PICCOLO!"

[archer4518]

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual logged mainteneace and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the soloution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = problem logged by pilot
S = the soloution and action taken by the engineers

P: left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
S: almost replaced left inside main tyre

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft

P: something loose in cockpit
S: something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: live bugs on backorder

P: autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: cannot reproduce problem on ground

P: evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: evidence removed

P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to more believable level

P: friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S: thats what they are there for

P: IFF inoperative
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

P: Suspected crack in windshield
S: Suspect you're right

P: Number three engine missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: aircraft handles funny
S: aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious

P: target radar hums
S: reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

P: mouse in cockpit
S: cat installed

[Rodger]

P: evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: evidence removed

:rofl:

Very funny!

Rodg

[unclepete]

P: target radar hums
S: reprogrammed target radar with lyrics


target radar? :o

Now I know why all the other airlines crash and Qantas doesn't 8)

[OldDog]

> A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken
> coop.
> The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart,
time
> for you to retire."
> The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
> chickens. Look what its done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old
> hens over in the corner?"
> The young rooster says, "Beat it: You're washed up and I'm taking over."
> The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I'll race you around
the
> farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the chicken coop."
> The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So,
> just to be fair I'll give you a head start."
> The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster
> takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse
and
> the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind
the
> old rooster and gaining fast.
> The farmer, meanwhile, sitting in his usual spot on the front porch sees
the
> roosters running by, grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young
> rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit..
third
> gay rooster I bought this month."
>
> Moral of the story.. Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery
will
> always overcome youth and skill.
>

[Flame]

ain't that the truth :D

[Axilla]

THE VERSE

Penned a little poetry, turned some minor verse.
Wrote a jingle for a product, seemed to be adverse
Covered some different subjects, poetry diverse
Words written backwards came out as reverse

Ode to conversation – known as converse
Turned page around, created inverse
Concentrated on one theme, result was universe
No poems of deviates, that would be perverse

Imagination’s unwilling, mind’s become averse
Each new scribbled stanza sounds a little worse
Words becoming clipped, sentences too terse
Now it’s clear why poetry is; ‘The Bard’s Curse’

[OldDog]

:rofl: It can be frustrating alright Ax.

[Rednock]

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
have a lot of money: between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of 5 euros.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next
door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all".

Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me." He went
into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
Guiness and two glasses of Jamieson whiskey.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a
plan. Cheers!"

They downed their drinks. Murphy said "OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."

Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk
and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more o'this. I'm pissed and me knees are
killin' me!"

Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub."

[Malko]

http://www.donwalsh.com/Images/larson1.jpg
http://www.msed.kabelnet.at/Snoopy/PICS/LARSON/LAR126.JPG

Malko - GL fan

[Kuru]

Whats the difference between a baby and Pizza ?

A Pizza dosn't scream when you put it in the oven :lol:

[Axilla]

Taking the 'express' up to Malko's hill, Kuru? :D

[Rednock]

Potentially v Realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked

"Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically ?" The father ponders for a moment, then answered

"Go and ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, then come back and tell me what you learned".

So the boy went to his mother and asked

"Mum would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied "Definitely, I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that".

The boy then went to his older sister and asked

"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."

The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father. His father asked him

"Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically ?" The boy replied

"Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with two slappers."

The father replied "That's my boy."

[Robert43]

Good one Kuru about the baby and pizza :microwave: Robert

[robbo]

:-?

[unclepete]

How to clean a toilet

1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (You may need to stand on the lid). The cat will self agitate and create ample suds (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet - the cat is actually enjoying this).

4. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "Power Wash" and "rinse"

5. Have someone open all doors between the bathroom and outside. Make sure that there are no people in the shortest path between the bathroom and outside.

6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.

7. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean.

Happy cleaning!
The Dog

[Flame]

The cat will take the dogs balls with him as he goes :D

[unclepete]

If architects ever had to work like IT consultants

Dear Mr. Architect:

Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion. My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one. Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).

As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.) Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that the kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator.

To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, make certain that you contact each of our children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of these options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you make. Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpet. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.

Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.

While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers.

Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has. Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.

You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans.

PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.

PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case.

[Flame]

Ain't that the truth :D

[frommy]

WARNING. WARNING. WARNING.

Unclepete is on leave and at home for the next two weeks. Please ensure if you are on dial-up, like me, and read this thread, that sufficient time is available to do so as the weight of material is likely to be considerable. :roll:

Brian

[Flame]

wondered about the sudden increase in posts :D

[unclepete]

Yeah, it compensates for the last couple of weeks where I haven't had any time for the forum because I've been working my ring out getting things ready so I can actually take the bloody leave.

[Flame]

Violins playing :D

[Marcus]

If architects ever had to work like IT consultants


I'm having flashbacks to my last fulltime programming job.

The horror, the horror!! :o

[unclepete]

Violins playing :D

Musical accompaniment. Than you, Flame. Very civilised :fist: :D

[Flame]

Sounds like you need a holiday Pete - maybe Italy - don't spend it on here :D

[unclepete]

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it!

[robbo]

:D :D

[Kuru]

TOP TEN THINGS A MAN WOULD DO IF HE WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers

9. Squat over a hand held mirror for an hour and a half

8. See if they could finally do a split

7. See if it is truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch

5. Get picked up in a bar in less then 20 minutes before closing time

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too

[Kuru]

Q: Why did Michael Jackson give $5,000 to Boyz II Men?

A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?

A: He heard boys' pants were half-off !!



Q: What's brown and in a baby's diaper?

A: Michael Jackson's hand !!

So little Bobby goes up to his mom one day and starts asking her some questions. He says, "Mommy, is God a man or a woman?" Bobby's mother responds, "God is both a man and a woman, sweetheart." He asks another question, "Is God black or white?", and his mother replies, "God is both black and white." Bobby raises another question, "Mom, is God gay or straight?", and his mother replies, "God is both gay and straight." So little Bobby asks his final question, "Mommy, is God Michael Jackson??"


Q: How many Michael Jackson's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Michael Jackson only screws little boys!



Q: Did you hear Pepsi hired Michael Jackson back?
A: Yeah, they hired him to suck the little boy out of the bottle.


Michael Jackson and his new wife were sitting in a hospital room after she had just given birth to their brand new baby boy. The doctor walks in and Michael asks, "How long should we wait to have sex?" The doctor answers, "Wait until he's at least 14."

[Kuru]

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth.
The doctor told them that they'd developed a new machine, and asked if the couple would like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's burden.

Well, they thought that was a good idea, and decided to give it a try.

The doctor initially set the machine on 10 percent, telling the man that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he'd ever experienced. But the husband was surprised at how little pain he was feeling, and asked the doctor to raise the level.

The doctor increased it to 20 percent, and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50 -- and finally 100 percent.

After it was all over, the man stood up, and stretched a little.

Both he and his wife felt fine, and they shortly left the hospital to take the baby home.

It was then that they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

A young lady had just visited her doctor, and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share her good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.
"Sir," she said, "I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone, or I'll bust."

She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant. The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer, and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs. He was so happy, he added, "But confidentially, I changed cocks."

The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, .........me, too."


One day a young woman went to see her doctor who had to share the news with her that she was indeed pregnant.
The doctor then says to the 16 year old, "Young lady do you have any idea who the father of your child might be?"

The young woman replies, "Doctor its like this.... if you eat a can of beans, do you know which one made you fart?"



A woman was six months pregnant with her third child, when her three-year-old came into the room when she was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" The mother replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," the child replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"







A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She gets rushed to the hospital where she gets fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor says, "You'