Old Light Relief Thread

[clever_guy]

There are three guys who have died. They are outside the gates of Heaven.
Unfortunately, lots of people had been dying recently, and they can't let
everyone in. St Peter decides that whichever of the three had suffered the
worst and most tragic death would get in.

The first guy starts, "I came home from work, to my flat, and I couldn't
find my wife. I then heard her in the shower. I'd been suspecting that she
was having an affair, and I was sure he was still in the flat. So I went
looking for him but couldn't find him anywhere. Finally I went out onto the
balcony and I saw a man hanging over the edge for dear life. So I stamped
on his fingers. That didn't work so I tried prying them off. That didn't
work so I went back into the flat and came out with a knife. Finally he
fell but he landed in a bush in the garden and was still moving. So I went
back into the flat and come back out with my refrigerator which I dropped on
him killing him instantly. I went back into the flat, and started feeling
guilty. So I took my gun and shot myself."

The second guys says, "Imagine this. You are washing windows at a local
block of flats when you slip and fall. You think you are doomed, but then
you catch yourself on a balcony. This happened to me. However, this guy came
out of his flat, and instead of helping me, he tried to make me fall.
Finally he cut my fingers off and I fell. I landed in a bush just in time to
realise that the man was dropping a refrigerator on me. Then I died."

"OK." says the third man, "Imagine this. You are having an affair with a
guy's wife. The guy comes home...you hide in the refrigerator..."

[clever_guy]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball
hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his
crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman
rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. She then
explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his
"pain".

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be allright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he
replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands
together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to
massage his groin.

After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"

The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good...but my
thumb still hurts like hell!

[clever_guy]

There were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each
other with sign language.

Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?"
Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?"
Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark place
and have some fun."
Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea."

So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are
having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat
on the shoulder...
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?"
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get
some."

They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets
out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car
window.

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I
want."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know what to do."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put
your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea."

The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at
the car window.


Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?"

Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put
5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the
counter. His was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."

[clever_guy]

One of my personal Fav's;

It is near the end of the school year, the teacher has written her reports, and there's really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because it's Friday afternoon and not much is happening. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm clever- that answer's mine . . ." The teacher asked, "Who said `Four Score and Seven Years Ago . . .'? Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was mad. Susie answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said, `I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even madder than before. Mary answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said `Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was fuming. Nancy answered first. Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut". The teacher asked, "Who said that?"
Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, SEE YOU MONDAY!"

[clever_guy]

Two aliens landed in Canada near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.
"Greetings, earthling. We come in peace, take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course didn't respond.
The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, earthling We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade "no, you don't want to make him mad! But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the forest, where they landed in a heap.
When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature, it damn near killed us!
How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered "if there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy..Any guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear is someone you shouldn't mess with."

[clever_guy]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two hookers and take them to their separate hotel rooms. When they getto room, the first dwarf strips down but no matter how hard he tries, he is unable to get an> erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the> next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH" all> night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" He asked "I couldn't even get on the bed"

[clever_guy]

This is a true story:
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, they found that there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr.Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Just three years ago (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL), while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, the young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex? You want Oral Sex!!!??? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

[2Dogs]

My Wife's Maiden name is Gorsky :wink:

You must be bored or something CG :lol:

[clever_guy]

"You must be bored or something CG"

A little cut and paste action from my "master joke" doc

;)

unfortunately I can't post a lot of them on an open forum...

:lol: :lol:

-CG

[Killjoy]

Unfortunately its not true... it was just another Legend

http://www.snopes.com/quotes/mrgorsky.htm


Transcript of Landing

http://www.hq.nasa.gov/office/pao/History/alsj/a11/a11.step.html

[CMB50]

thought for the day:

Never hold your farts in because they will travel up your spine, into your head and give you **** ideas.

[clever_guy]

"Unfortunately its not true... it was just another Legend"

Yep, but never let the truth get in the way of a good joke..

;) :P :P

-CG

(the "true story" was just part of the snip)

[Dave Shannon]

thought for the day:

Never hold your farts in because they will travel up your spine, into your head and give you sh*t ideas.

Sounds all to familiar to me especially working in retail. I always seem to come across someone who fits that description perfectly.

[Axilla]

A little cut and paste action from my "master joke" doc

From the age of those jokes, that .doc file must have been written in Word 1.0.

[Flame]

Rules For Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft for firmness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play on the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course is temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player. *HINT- Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

[robbo]

Speaking from experience, Flame?? :D

[Flame]

Of course :D

[robbo]

:D

[unclepete]

Cool - a new topic :D

Give me a minute and I'll see what I can find...

[unclepete]

Three men walk into a bar. One's a Protestant, one's a Catholic, and one's a Mormon. The Protestant man says, "I have 4 sons. One more and I have a basketball team." The Catholic says, "Oh, yeah? Well I have 8 sons. One more and I have a baseball team." So then the Mormon pipes up and says, "Oh yeah? Well, I have 17 wives. One more and I've got a golf course!"

[Flame]

hole in one :D

[unclepete]

hole in one :D
...and a nasty dent in the other 8)

[Axilla]

Should kow something about the lay of the greens, then.

[Clare Barnes]

Should kow something about the lay of the greens, then.

Tsk, tsk, tsk......and from a Subaru owner too! :( :roll: :wink:

[Axilla]

'Kow' is Cantonese for 'kneel down and inspect', which is what golfers do to gauge the slope of the greens.

Plausible??

[Clare Barnes]

'Kow' is Cantonese for 'kneel down and inspect', which is what golfers do to gauge the slope of the greens.

Plausible??

Similar to "kowtow"? :-?

Ok! :roll: :D

[Jay Bowden]

Plausible??

Yeah sure :roll: :o :D

[Axilla]

Surprisingly true, kowtow is to kneel (kow) and touch head (tow) on ground.

Though I covered my a*se there, so why is there still a noticeable draught around the buttocks?

[Jay Bowden]

Showing a bit of cleavage there Noel :D

[Axilla]

I can only be thankful that the dogs aren't sniffing around at the moment.

[Jay Bowden]

Nothing quite like a cold wet nose on your arse is there :o :D

[Axilla]

No there's not!

There would be an audible 'clack' as one's sphincter slams shut.

[Flame]

Should kow something about the lay of the greens, then.

I do - used to be a greenkeeper :D

[unclepete]

The following comes from Computerworld's Shark Tank column. It's a classic.

It's the late 1980s, and this tech support pilot fish for a PC vendor gets a call from a user who complains that his cat has reformatted his hard drive.

Fish doesn't buy it -- at first.

"But after we'd talked for about an hour, I believed him," says fish.
"It all started when he pulled the manual out of the box and began to read the thing. We all know how dangerous that is."

The user is impressed with all the DOS commands available. But he gets especially excited about what can be done with batch files.

"He read the fantastic things you could do with batch files," fish says. "He carefully and systematically wrote a neat little batch file to perform each DOS command -- copy, mode, delete and, oh yeah, format and its brother format c:/s, the command to beat all commands."

Then the user discovers the hot-key utility. "This would let him take a command or batch file and associate it with a function key," says fish.
"He thought for a moment and realized that the batch files he had just created could be associated with these hot keys.

"One by one, he made each function key -- F1, F2 and so on -- represent a batch file that he had just created.

"Once that was complete, he was a little distracted by his feline friend, which jumped off a shelf and walked over his keyboard.

"One little paw was all it took to format the hard drive."

[unclepete]

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance


G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
-- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4

[Clare Barnes]

TIPS FOR REAL WOMEN

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."


Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?


Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow In the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying your ass on the couch, with your feet up anyway.


Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don't have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.


Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake.
Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate the s.o.b. for you.


Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women - Sara Lee frozen freakin pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over ****, so I don't do it.


Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women - Go ask the very HOT neighbour guy to do it.


And finally the most important tip......

Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women - Leftover wine???


And remember: A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

[Flame]

Thats good coming from a Maccas woman :D

[coach]

Very bloody funny Clare :lol:

[unclepete]

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

[unclepete]

This woman decides to buy a new cupboard that you have to assemble yourself. Back home she reads the instructions carefully and assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really neat. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses.

Thinking that she must have done something wrong she rereads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses again.

Now, fed up she calls customer service. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a technician to have a look.

The technician arrives and assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the technician decides to reassemble the cupboard and get inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse.

At this point, the woman's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says: "That's a nice looking cupboard", and opens it.

The technician says "You may find this hard to believe, but I'm just standing here waiting for the next train."

[Clare Barnes]

WARNING. WARNING. WARNING.

Unclepete is on leave and at home for the next two weeks. Please ensure if you are on dial-up, like me, and read this thread, that sufficient time is available to do so as the weight of material is likely to be considerable. :roll:

Brian

For those still whinging about dial-up, go to: http://www.onzin.nl/internetdownload/ :roll:

[Flame]

http://www.users.on.net/wwwsys/Images/Forum/int.jpg

:rofl:

[James Park]

Flame,
That is excellent !
You need to get a larger hard drive and a faster network connection?

[unclepete]

I was once asked to install the internet on someone's home computer. When I tried to explain I was was told "No, not just a link, the whole internet - like we have at work".

[Flame]

Flame,
That is excellent !
You need to get a larger hard drive and a faster network connection?

Or quite a few floppy disks :D

[Marcus]

True story
Was talking with a Mac tech mate of mine who was told me about a customer he once had

This guy bought a Mac Laptop and a week later bought it in saying the fax wasn't working.
So the techs book it in, next day they plugged it in, and faxed from it. Tested fine.
The customer is baffled, comes in and collects and takes home.
Next day he brings it back, still not faxing.
They book it in again and test, worked fine.
They call the customer to collect. When he came in they said "Show us what you are doing when you fax".
The customer plugs the computer into the phone line.
Opens the fax software
Slides a piece of paper between the LCD screen and the plastic casing (called a bezel)
Looks over the paper (now blocking the screen) and presses the fax button.
He then stood back and said "See, it's not faxing the piece of paper."

[Eberbachl]

Bahahaha :rofl:

That just can't be true!

:rofl:

[unclepete]

A whole heap of people have to get their sub-teen kids/neighbours to program their VCRs - how much carnage do you think one of those people can do with a personal computer?

[Harald]

Might be an old story but supposed to be true...
When the cd rom first became usual in the pc one guy one day found his not to come out when pressing eject. He phoned tech support claiming his coffe cup holder on the pc was out of order. :roll:

[robbo]

That's Mac users for you. :D

[2Dogs]

Got this the other Day...you could replace Tonto with Jim Park and the Lone Ranger with Bryce Lee :D



Scenario: The immediate versus the big picture-

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, they have set-up
their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his
faithful friend. Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see".
Tonto replies "Me see millions of stars".
"What does that tell you?" asks the Lone Ranger.


Tonto ponders for a minute and replies "Astronomically speaking, it
tells me that there are millions of galaxies playing host to billions
of stars and planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in
Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately 3:15 AM.
Theologically, it is evident the Lord is all powerful and as small
insignificant beings, we pale in his presence.
Meteorologically, we are in for a clear and beautiful day tomorrow
with a light easterly breeze in the morning. What it tell you Kemo
Sabi?"



The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, looking at Tonto in
amazement, then says "Tonto you f*ckwit.......Someone has stolen our
tent."

[unclepete]

Heard that one as Sherlock Holmes talking to Watson :)

[Marcus]

Another computer store one was a customer walked in and said

"I have heard of a new device called "A Mouse Mat", may I have a demo of one please"

My dad witnessed that one

:rofl:

[Marcus]

Another time I drove for a 3 hour round trip to attend a customer who's computer was not displaying colour anymore.
I walked in, went to the "Monitors" control panel and changed "Colour Depth" from "2" to "Millions" and wacko, she had colour.

$180 please. :lol:

[Eberbachl]

Haha - similar situation when a customer called me out because the server wouldn't boot :D

.....you guessed it :lol: $135 later, the server was plugged back in to the UPS (uninterruptible power supply).

:rofl:

[unclepete]

Haha - similar situation when a customer called me out because the server wouldn't boot :D

.....you guessed it :lol: $135 later, the server was plugged back in to the UPS (uninterruptible power supply).

:rofl:

I make it a habit to ask about the reset button on the poweboard.

[unclepete]

There was one in-duh-vidual who had a fairly new hard drive that was making the ka-ching of death but would struggle back to life and continue for an hour or so before locking up again.

I asked them too copy the disk before it died completely and was handed a photocopy of the disk label.

Once they realised what they'd done (people rolling around on the floor convulsing is a give-away) they claimed "you'll need this for the warranty claim".

The disk did last long enough so I could ghost a copy onto a replacement.

[toxic_rabbit]

hehe

http://www.toxicrabbit.com/images/caradd.jpg

[robbo]

hehe

http://www.toxicrabbit.com/images/caradd.jpg

I tried to ring but no answer. :-?

I'm looking for a fixer upper. :D

[unclepete]

This guy is in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please."

A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

[unclepete]

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and strikes the chief squarely on the temple. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces.

God's voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."

[CMB50]

:rofl:

that would happen to me

[frommy]

This is spooky. 5 minutes after I read your latest, Pete, I went out (to polute the atmosphere) and the was a van parked in the street with a sign on it "Uncle Petes Meat Supplies".

True story. :lol:

[chopper]

And remember: A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"


Don't you mean a good friend will help you move...
but a true friend will help you move a body :D

[Mike13]

OK. Fine. I'll help you move it.

[OldDog]

Whose body first, If its 2dogs I aint gonna try and move that. :o :P

[unclepete]

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off.

[2Dogs]

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.



There are hundreds of cute, small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly, medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge, enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.



The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.



After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"



The guy says



"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[unclepete]

These aren't Murphy's Laws but some of them should be

"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"The Law of Motivation"
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

"Boob's Law"
You always find something in the last place you look.

"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkedness"
You can't fall off the floor.

"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

[unclepete]

One day, Mum was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

[robbo]

:rofl:

[Alan]

Alzheimers test
>
> freaky
>
>

count the "F"s in the following text.






Finished files are the res
ult of years of sientif
ic study combined with the
experience of years.(see below)






manage it?





scroll down ony after you have counted









did you think there were three?







wrong.there were 6!!!!!!!!!>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>the reasoning is
>
>
>
>
>
>
>











the brain canott
process " OF"
count again





any one who counted 6 is a genius
3 is normal
4 is rare

[katzgrin]

:( Got to five. Guess that doesn't make me a genius. Damn, I still have to settle for idiot savant! :cry:

[Clare Barnes]

:( Got to five. Guess that doesn't make me a genius. Damn, I still have to settle for idiot savant! :cry:

I got the 6...plus a few spelling errors too! That probably brings me back to 'normal'! :wink:

[Robert43]

so wheres the 6th 1 in Finished 1 in files 2x of 1 in sientific =5 where the 6th ?

[Clare Barnes]

so wheres the 6th 1 in Finished 1 in files 2x of 1 in sientific =5 where the 6th ?

3 x "of" 8)

[Robert43]

Thanks looked 2 hard for the 6 th one found 5 and miss the last of :rofl:

[chopper]

so wheres the 6th 1 in Finished 1 in files 2x of 1 in sientific =5 where the 6th ?

3 x of :D

[chopper]

so wheres the 6th 1 in Finished 1 in files 2x of 1 in sientific =5 where the 6th ?

3 x of :D

Oops... too slow :oops:

[chopper]

Try this when you have the time;


1. There are 5 houses in 5 different colours. In each house lives a person with a different nationality.
2. The 5 owners drink a certain type of beverage, smoke a certain brand of cigar, and keep a certain pet.
3. No owners have the same pet, smoke the same brand of cigar or drink the same beverage. The question is "Who owns the fish?'



Facts:
The Brit lives in the red house
The Swede keeps dogs as pets.
The Dane drinks tea.
The green house is on the left of the white house.
The green house's owner drinks coffee.
The person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds.
The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill.
-- The man living in the center house drinks milk.
The Norwegian lives in the first house.
The man who smokes Blends lives next to the one who keeps cats.
The man who keeps the horse lives next to the man who smokes Dunhill.
The owner who smokes Bluemasters drinks beer.
The German smokes Prince.
- The Norwegian lives next to the blue house.
The man who smokes Blends has a neighbor who drinks water.



Einstein wrote this riddle last century. He said 98% of the world could not solve it without pen and paper. It can be done! Be part of the 2% that COULD.

[robbo]

I showed the "F" test to three of my kids (11, 13 and 14) one at a time.

They all found 6.

[Eberbachl]

Alzheimers test
>
> freaky
>
>

count the "F"s in the following text.






Finished files are the res
ult of years of sientif
ic study combined with the
experience of years.(see below)






manage it?





scroll down ony after you have counted









did you think there were three?







wrong.there were 6!!!!!!!!!>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>the reasoning is
>
>
>
>
>
>
>











the brain canott
process " OF"
count again





any one who counted 6 is a genius
3 is normal
4 is rare

OK - everybody....count with me....

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

:D

[Car_da_Archer]

Here's a little archery game for the archery forum! passes the time quite nicely ;-)

http://www.xeron.org/cosas/bowman/bowmanf.html

[Axilla]

Found the 6 'f's' easily enough - still looking for the second 'c' in 'sientif
ic' though.

[unclepete]

so wheres the 6th 1 in Finished 1 in files 2x of 1 in sientific =5 where the 6th ?

3x 'of' :D

[Clare Barnes]

so wheres the 6th 1 in Finished 1 in files 2x of 1 in sientific =5 where the 6th ?

3x 'of' :D

Only 11+ hours late with that hint unclepete! :D

[unclepete]

so wheres the 6th 1 in Finished 1 in files 2x of 1 in sientific =5 where the 6th ?

3x 'of' :D

Only 11+ hours late with that hint unclepete! :D

:oops:
Bloody bigpond delivered email out of order - thought I was looking at the last page in the thread.

[rooster]

Found the 6 'f's' easily enough - still looking for the second 'c' in 'sientif
ic' though. :wink: :wink:

[NormB]

chopper

I reckon the german has the fish :)

[chopper]

chopper

I reckon the german has the fish :)

Yep, nice work :D

Did you work it out in your head or use pen and paper? :D

[katzgrin]

Today

[NormB]

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

>
> Dear Diary,
> For my 40th birthday this year, my wife (the dear)purchased a week of

> personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still

> in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 yrs ago, I
decided
> it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club

> and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who
> identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for
> athletic clothing and swimwear.
>
> My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
>
> The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
> MONDAY:
> Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
> worth
it
> when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She
> was something of a Greek goddess-with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
> dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed
> me the
machines.
> She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
> that
my
> pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her
Lycra
> aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she
> conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring,
> Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
> already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This
> is going to be a
FANTASTIC
> week!!
>
> TUESDAY:
> I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
> Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy ironbar into the air,
> and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
> treadmill, but I
made
> the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
>
> I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
>
> WEDNESDAY:
> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on
> the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I
> have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't
> try to steer
or
> stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was
> impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
> members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
> when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My

> chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
> stair monster. Why
the
> hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete
> by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy
life.
> She said some other s h-t too.
>
> THURSDAY:
> Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin,
> cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
> half
an
> hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to
> work
out
> with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's
room..
> She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
> machine-which I sank.
>
> FRIDAY:
> I hate that b - tch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
> any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
> anaemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could
> move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted

> me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't
> want dents in the
floor,
> don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells or anything that weighs more
than
> a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
> nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama
> coach or the choir director?
>
> SATURDAY:
> Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice
> wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want
> to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength
> to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours
> of the
Weather
> Channel.
>
> SUNDAY:
> I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
> and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,

> my wife (the b - tch), will choose a gift for me that is fun-like a
> root canal or
a
> vasectomy ......

[Killjoy]

chopper

I reckon the german has the fish :)

Yep, nice work :D

Did you work it out in your head or use pen and paper? :D

Don't get it.... Grrrgggggg

[Clare Barnes]

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
ONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE PRIVACY
Better get a new tagline unclepete! 8)

[unclepete]

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
ONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE PRIVACY
Better get a new tagline unclepete! 8)

I was ignoring him

[unclepete]

Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people--many of whom use their stupidity for personal gain (e.g., $2.5M to some old broad stupid enough to put hot coffee in her--uh--lap while driving). From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law. To these brave men and women--ooops, "women and men"--we present the highest possible honor: entry into the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame".

The following are their accounts ...

Kentucky (where else?) : Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

(Editor's Note 1: And they wonder why we call them "Yahoos" ...)

South Carolina : A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana : A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England : A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Germany : Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."

(Editor's Note 2: She might not have gotten much milk from Otto, but she probably made a friend for life while trying to ...)

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown) : A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown) : A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere
in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera. The police, however, *did*.)

(Location Unknown) : A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...

Virginia : Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown) : A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

[unclepete]

Bill and Marla had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

[unclepete]

Forget about viruses and malicious hackers; the real threat these days is far more insidious. Your home computer may be host to a demon, and you and your family may well come under its malevolent control, the Weekly World News reports.

(Ahhh... that would explain split pea soup oozing out of my RW drive.)

"While the Computer Age has ushered in many advances, it has also opened yet another door through which Lucifer and his minions can enter and corrupt men's souls," the paper quotes the Reverend Jim Peasboro, author of an upcoming book, The Devil in the Machine, as saying.

(Uh oh... my monitor just started bleeding.)

Demons are able to possess anything with a brain from a chicken to a human being. And today's thinking machines have enough space on their hard drives to accommodate Satan or his pals, the paper reports.

(Weird... an icon that reads "Comptons Interactive Necronomicon" just appeared on my desktop. This isn't a good sign...)

Disk capacity is an issue, however. Only a PC built after 1985 has the storage capacity to house an evil spirit, the minister explained.

(A question... I wonder if you need separate partitions to house each foul hellspawn of satan, or will they all reside happily on a single partition?)

The Georgia clergyman says he became aware of the problem from counseling churchgoers. "I learned that many members of my congregation became in touch with a dark force whenever they used their computers," he said.

(Not to mention in touch with themselves... I sure some were in "touch" with themselves 3 or 4 times daily.)

"Decent, happily married family men were drawn irresistibly to pornographic Web sites.

(Your point?)

"Housewives who had never expressed an impure thought were entering Internet chat rooms and found themselves spewing foul, debasing language they would never use normally," he declared.

(Hmmm... I think I was talking to her last night. I didn't *really* think she was 14 anyway.)

"One woman wept as she confessed to me, 'I feel when I'm on the computer as if someone else or something else just takes over.'"

The minister said he probed one such case,

(Interesting choice of words. Did this case involve a 13 y/o boy? I'll have to remember that next time I'm screwing around with my GF... "I now call it my data probe, baby... ready to boot up?")

actually logging onto the parishioner's computer himself. To his horror, an artificial-intelligence program started spontaneously.

(I suggest you disable the "start at boot" option for ICQ. You might also want to check the "disallow 3000 year old Mesopotamian deities" check box in the prefs menu.)

"The program began talking directly to me, openly mocked me," he recalls. "It typed out, 'Preacher, you are a weakling and your God is a damn liar.'"

(Let me guess... his screen name was s@7@|\|_999 ?)

Then the device went haywire and started printing out what looked like gobbledygook.

"I later had an expert in dead languages examine the text," the minister said. "It turned out to be a stream of obscenities written in a 2,800-year-old Mesopotamian dialect!"

(Cool! 3000 year old obscenities. I wish he would have provided them. I'd like to work them into my posts in various forums and news groups.)

The minister estimates that one in ten computers in America now hosts some type of evil spirit.

(Yes, it's called AOL.)

The Reverend advises anyone suspecting that their computer is possessed to consult a clergyman, or, if the computer is still under warranty, to take it in for servicing.

("Reason for service: Machine possessed by devil" Bet some of you guys would love to see that on a service order. If people would just install Norton Anti-Anti-Christ this kinda thing wouldn't happen.)

"Technicians can replace the hard drive and reinstall the software, getting rid of the wicked spirit permanently," he says.

(I may add this to my service offerings...Troubleshooting/Repair/Installations/Exorcisms)

[Axilla]

Know for a fact that my computer is host to the poltergeist 'Windows' :-?

[wiggles]

A member of our Club is a Fire Fighter and I asked him one day

[DrRalph]

"Who owns the fish?'

In my head, took about 45 minutes though :)

House yellow blue red green white
Nation Norwegian Dane Brit German Swede
Pets cats horse birds fish dogs
Smoke Dunhill Blends Pall Mall Prince Bluemasters
Drink water tea milk coffee beer

[chopper]

"Who owns the fish?'

In my head, took about 45 minutes though :)

Great work Dr Genius :D

[frommy]

Beware of flying whales. They explode. :wink:

[unclepete]

I was trying to find a quote from Monty Python's Holy Grail, and ended up re-reading great chunks of the script. Sometimes the web can be a huge waster of time...

Here's one of my favourite bits.

The Cave of Caerbannog

LAUNCELOT:
We have the Holy Hand Grenade.

ARTHUR:
Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!

MONKS: [chanting]
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.

ARTHUR:
How does it, um-- how does it work?

LAUNCELOT:
I know not, my liege.

ARTHUR:
Consult the Book of Armaments!

BROTHER MAYNARD:
Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.

SECOND BROTHER:
And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--

MAYNARD:
Skip a bit, Brother.

SECOND BROTHER:
And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'

[Axilla]

Blessed are those who enjoyed the days of the Python, for we shall never see their like again.

[unclepete]

Blessed are those who enjoyed the days of the Python, for we shall never see their like again.

Amen, Brother Axilla :D

[unclepete]

Found this for the Python fans:

Scripts of all the TV series sketches.
http://orangecow.org/pythonet/sketches/index.htm

[frommy]

Ah yes. When we were young. Which reminds me:

he "We Were Poor" Sketch from "Monty Python Live at City Center" and "Monty
Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl"

Four well-dressed men sitting together at a vacation resort. "Farewell
to Thee" being played in the background on Hawaiian guitar.

Michael Palin: Ahh.. Very passable, this, very passable.
Graham Chapman: Nothing like a good glass of Chateau de Chassilier wine,
ay Gessiah?
Terry Gilliam: You're right there Obediah.
Eric Idle: Who'd a thought thirty years ago we'd all be sittin'
here drinking Chateau de Chassilier wine?
MP: Aye. In them days, we'd a' been glad to have the price of a cup
o' tea.
GC: A cup ' COLD tea.
EI: Without milk or sugar.
TG: OR tea!
MP: In a filthy, cracked cup.
EI: We never used to have a cup. We used to have to drink out of a
rolled up newspaper.
GC: The best WE could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.
TG: But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.
MP: Aye. BECAUSE we were poor. My old Dad used to say to me, "Money
doesn't buy you happiness."
EI: 'E was right. I was happier then and I had NOTHIN'. We used to
live in this tiiiny old house, with greaaaaat big holes in the roof.
GC: House? You were lucky to have a HOUSE! We used to live in one
room, all hundred and twenty-six of us, no furniture. Half the
floor was missing; we were all huddled together in one corner for
fear of FALLING!
TG: You were lucky to have a ROOM! *We* used to have to live in a
corridor!
MP: Ohhhh we used to DREAM of livin' in a corridor! Woulda' been a
palace to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish
tip. We got woken up every morning by having a load of rotting
fish dumped all over us! House!? Hmph.
EI: Well when I say "house" it was only a hole in the ground covered
by a piece of tarpolin, but it was a house to US.
GC: We were evicted from *our* hole in the ground; we had to go and
live in a lake!
TG: You were lucky to have a LAKE! There were a hundred and sixty
of us living in a small shoebox in the middle of the road.
MP: Cardboard box?
TG: Aye.
MP: You were lucky. We lived for three months in a brown paper bag in
a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six o'clock in the
morning, clean the bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down
mill for fourteen hours a day week in-week out. When we got home,
out Dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt!
GC: Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in
the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, go to
work at the mill every day for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad
would beat us around the head and neck with a broken bottle, if we
were LUCKY!
TG: Well we had it tough. We used to have to get up out of the shoebox
at twelve o'clock at night, and LICK the road clean with our tongues.
We had half a handful of freezing cold gravel, worked twenty-four
hours a day at the mill for fourpence every six years, and when we
got home, our Dad would slice us in two with a bread knife.
EI: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night,
half an hour before I went to bed, (pause for laughter), eat a lump
of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill
owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home,
our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our graves
singing "Hallelujah."
MP: But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't
believe ya'.
ALL: Nope, nope..



:lol:

Brian

[unclepete]

That's nothing.

When I was a boy......

:D :D :D

[Dave Shannon]

I found this the other day.

Bra sizes from a mans point of veiw.
Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra size?
A- almost boobs.
B- barely there.
C- can do.
D- damn good.
E- enormous.
F- fake.

[Guy]

Try this out. Is this what happens after a forum dinner?
Move the mouse left and right to control movement.

http://www.wagenschenke.ch/

[freestyler]

got 67 m.....gunna take me a long time to get home at that rate :lol: :o

[2Dogs]

67M!....Wow that's bloody good :D.......I fell backwards 2m :wink:

[Eberbachl]

:rofl:

53m

:rofl:

[robbo]

Ah yes. When we were young. Which reminds me:

he "We Were Poor" Sketch from "Monty Python Live at City Center" and "Monty
Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl"

Four well-dressed men sitting together at a vacation resort. "Farewell
to Thee" being played in the background on Hawaiian guitar.
.................................................. .................................................. .........MP: But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't
believe ya'.
ALL: Nope, nope..



:lol:

Brian



Brings back memories. :rofl:

[frommy]

What.? Of the WA archery team thread? :wink:

[robbo]

got 67 m.....gunna take me a long time to get home at that rate :lol: :o

but you've had lots of practice. :D

[coach]

No Robbo you've got Free mixed up wth me :rofl:

[coach]

No Robbo you've got Free mixed up wth me :rofl:

[Robert de Bondt]

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.
The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager

[Robert de Bondt]

Was that Froggy or Frommy spanks the monkey :lol:

Sorry Frommy, couldn't resist it :lol:


Removed by Admin - Inappropriate.

[Flame]

:rofl:

thats frommy taking it - go kirmeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

[CMB50]

Try this out. Is this what happens after a forum dinner?
Move the mouse left and right to control movement.

http://www.wagenschenke.ch/

65M

:rofl: good game

[Robert43]

Good one Robert :multi: :rofl:

[Shirt]

70m on second attempt. _Great_ game... :D

[chopper]

Try this out. Is this what happens after a forum dinner?
Move the mouse left and right to control movement.

http://www.wagenschenke.ch/

75m :D

[chopper]

http://www.eftel.com/~chopper/images/drunk.jpg

:D :D :D

[robbo]

No Robbo you've got Free mixed up wth me :rofl:


That's what I meant, trying to keep you up straight. :D

[toxic_rabbit]

hehe

http://www.toxicrabbit.com/images/drunk.jpg

[CMB50]

http://www.archery-forum.com/uploads/123.jpg


took me ages, but i got there! :D

[Flame]

called on your experience eh Cam :D

[grantwomack]

http://myweb.tiscali.co.uk/grantwomack/beerdrunk.jpg
Beat that! :)

[Flame]

piss head :D

[Axilla]

:beer_drink: :sleeping:

[Clare Barnes]

Gee, you guys are getting good with Photoshop! :D :D

[Axilla]

Sprung! :(

[CMB50]

Gee, you guys are getting good with Photoshop! :D :D


:oops: I'm not sure what you mean Clare...... :o

[Clare Barnes]

Gee, you guys are getting good with Photoshop! :D :D


:oops: I'm not sure what you mean Clare...... :o

Only because you missed Axilla's stunning 555m picture! :wink: :roll:

[grantwomack]

Gee, you guys are getting good with Photoshop! :D :D
Photoshop mon pied! I think an effort like mine deserves "fireworks", if you ask me! ;) :D

[CMB50]

since we can't do firework's Grant, i'll find an 'Illustrator' to draw some for you! :wink:

[Flame]

http://static.howstuffworks.com/gif/fireworks.jpg

[CMB50]

found him! :roll: :D

[Flame]

:D

[Rodger]

:D

:o

:D

:D

:P

:-?

:D

:fist:

:rofl:

:D

:rofl:

:rofl:

Hmmmm... I think Flame must have only just got past the 500 posts mark, not 3200, if you discount all the 'Emoticon Posts'...

[unclepete]

:rofl:

[grantwomack]

since we can't do firework's Grant, i'll find an 'Illustrator' to draw some for you! :wink:
It would be a very impressive "flash" if you could actually get it work using an "illustrator". But "fireworks" aren't something to be used with a "freehand". :D :D

[Flame]

:D

:o

:D

Hmmmm... I think Flame must have only just got past the 500 posts mark, not 3200, if you discount all the 'Emoticon Posts'...

:fist:

[unclepete]

Three guys - a Tasmanian, a Queenslander and a Victorian - are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total", says the genie. The Tasmanian says, "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, his dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."

With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' the oceans were teaming with fish. The Queenslander was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Queensland, so that we can run our own State how we feel, and no hippie southerner can tell us what to do. I want it so nothing and no-one will get in for all eternity."

Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Queensland.

The Victorian asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

The Victorian says, "Fill it up with water."

[Flame]

:D

[CW]

:D :wink: 8)

[Robert43]

:multi: :rofl:

[CW]

:rainbowafro: :rofl: :sleeping: :onfire: :smilecolros: :snipersmile: :silly: :bday:

[Marcus]

The Victorian says, "Fill it up with water."
:rofl:

[Axilla]

And more than half the registered voters in Victoria were drowned cos they were in QLD on winter holidays. :wink:

[wiggles]

Ain't dat da truth. :angel:

[OldDog]

And the other half had taken up permanent residency there. :roll:

[unclepete]

And more than half the registered voters in Victoria were drowned cos they were in QLD on winter holidays. :wink:

I can't see a problem with that :D

[frommy]

It isn't just Victorians spending money in the Sunshine thingy at the moment.

Does this mean I no longer have to worry about my neighbours home? :P

[unclepete]

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day on just such a field the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon. If it's National Guard, it's still a couple of hours until quitting time."

[Clare Barnes]

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.

The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says "I have had a lovely time. You look so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"

She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned.

"What was that for?" he asked. She said "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said "Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall.'"

[Flame]

typical :D

[Alan]

congratulations ,Clare, best one yet, go to the top if the FORuM

[NormB]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "The gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[Clare Barnes]

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multi-million dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay (what else :wink:! ) When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain-rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air-fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit...Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit...Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

Assuming his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...

...including the curtain rods. :lol: :lol:

[mbomike]

typical :D

Ditto :-? :D

[katzgrin]

A man walking along the beach finds, you guessed it, a lamp. The genie pops out and tells the man he can have one wish. Normally he would get three, but owing to the budget cutbacks only one wish was available.

The man thought carefully and said to the Genie that he had always wanted to visit other countries, but had never done so because he was deadly afraid of flying and suffered terrible seasickness. The Genie asked him how he could help and the man said, "I would like to drive, could you build me a highway?" The Genie tells the bloke that he has to check with his boss (the budget cuts you know).

After muttering into the lamp for a while the Genie comes back and says that the wish cannot be granted because of the lack of funds. The man still has a wish and thinks for a long time and finally says "I've always wanted to know why my wife thinks the way she does"


Without hesitation the Genie says "Will two lanes do?"

[robbo]

:rofl:

[Killjoy]

This is a good read..long but good...

http://www.419eater.com/html/joe_eboh.htm

[clever_guy]

www.jibjab.com

-CG

[enseth]

>
>Rules of Life for Australian Men
>
>1. Any Man who brings a camera to a buck's night may be legally killed
>and eaten by his mates.
>
>2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
>
>3. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
>limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
>
>4. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden,
>unless it is low alcohol or Tooheys. Complain at will if the temperature
>is unsuitable.
>
>5. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
>man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is verboten.
>
>6. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
>ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
>
>7. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
>climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
>flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
>
>8. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're
>sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless
>supermodel...and it's free.
>
>9. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
>
>10. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
>
>11. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
>
>12. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
>until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
>much as the other sports watchers.
>
>13. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a
>girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and
>threw it into a ceiling fan.
>
>14. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
>a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
>b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
>c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
>
>15. Never talk to a man in a toilet unless you are on equal footing:
>Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
>almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
>
>16. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
>than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang
>up if necessary.
>
>17. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
>have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
>guilty
>is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big
>mistake it was.
>
>18. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
>her to drive yours.
>
>19. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,
>orange, sky blue or purple.
>
>20. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
>Christmas?"
>with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2.

__________________________________________________ _______________

[2Dogs]

http://www.expression.philips.com.br/artes/venc2003/obrasflash/rmello/o_incomodo.swf

Wait for it to load. You'll see a guy's head.

Then put the mouse on/off his head and see what happens.

Pretend it's Flame!...and you can annoy the PISS outa him for a change :D

[Flame]

Looks more like Marcus :D

[unclepete]

A blonde woman walks into a chemist and asks the assistant for some anal deodorant. The assistant, a little bemused, explains to her that they don't sell anal deodorant, and never have.

The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter, that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more. The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don't stock, or have ever sold such an item, smiles at the thick blonde and says,

"One moment please, I will get the Chemist."

The chemist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?"

"I would like to buy some anal deodorant please," says the blonde.

"I'm sorry," says the chemist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?" says the Chemist.

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to the woman,

"This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant".

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

[unclepete]

http://www.expression.philips.com.br/artes/venc2003/obrasflash/rmello/o_incomodo.swf

Wait for it to load. You'll see a guy's head.

Then put the mouse on/off his head and see what happens.

Pretend it's Flame!...and you can annoy the PISS outa him for a change :D

Leave the mouse on his head and watch the full sequence - clever :D

[robbo]

I've got bad visions of a blonde applying deoderant now. :-? :D

[robbo]

http://www.expression.philips.com.br/artes/venc2003/obrasflash/rmello/o_incomodo.swf

Wait for it to load. You'll see a guy's head.

Then put the mouse on/off his head and see what happens.

Pretend it's Flame!...and you can annoy the PISS outa him for a change :D

Leave the mouse on his head and watch the full sequence - clever :D


Still waiting for it to load. :-?

[Flame]

:o

[unclepete]

This is a bit cheesey, but addictive
http://thecrowshow.com/swf/squoosh.htm


This one's the sort of mindless fun that seeems to work well here.
http://thecrowshow.com/swf/cutie_quake.html


This one's challenging
http://thecrowshow.com/swf/happypill.html

[unclepete]

I got through the Happy Pill with one pill and a score of 326

[Oldtimer]

While out hunting, Bill and Joe got lost in the bush. Trying to reassure his friend, Bill said 'Don't worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air three times, stay where we are, and someone will find us.'

They shot into the air three times, but no-one came. After a while, they tried it again, but again there was no response. When they decided to try once more, Joe said 'It had better work this time. We're down to our last three arrows.'

[Clare Barnes]

A blonde began a job as an Junior school counselor, and she
was eager to help. One day during break she noticed a boy
standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the
rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if he was all right.

The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy
noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.
Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be
your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking
at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress,Sandy then asked,
"Why are you standing here all alone?Why don't you go
and join those boys playing football over there?"
"Because," the little boy said with great exasperation,

"I'm the bloody goalie."

[unclepete]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around wtih a flyswatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone". He responded

[OldDog]

A woman was entertaining a female friend when they heard a car door slam in the driveway.Drawing back the curtain the woman exclaims, OH NO, Its my husband with a bunch of roses, That means another bloody night with my legs in the air....Why's that asked her friend.....Dont you own a flower vase? :o

[Rednock]

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room. The ones who stay behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.


The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the President of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.


The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travelling Agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also manage to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.


The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion specially for his friend.


The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes oftheirs sons.


The fourth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?


One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. And then he asked, What about your son?


The fourth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.


The fourth man replied:
No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends

[Rednock]

WHO SAID MEN ARE NOT SENSITIVE?

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely
packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly
medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive,
but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite turned on by his sensitive side. Would he be a
sensitive lover she wonders?

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow,
the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[Flame]

DAVE works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my basketball team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says: "Hi, Davey. Want your usual table dance, Big Boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter word in the book. The cabby turns his head and says:
"Jeez,

Dave, you picked up a real bitch tonight."

[Eberbachl]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
female
neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She
opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and
again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house
she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder
than
ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To
which she replied, "There certainly is!"


My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

[Kuru]

There was a little girl and her mother walking through
the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex
on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?"

The mother hesitates, then quickly replies. "Ummm.....they're
making cakes!"

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees
two monkeys having sex.

Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her
mother replies with the same response, "making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you
and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last
night, weren't you?"

Shocked, the mother says, "How do you know that?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa

[Kuru]

A man won a ticket to the Super Bowl, but when he got
there, he was very disappointed. He was on the far
left, at the back. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp
than he was to the field, but halfway through the first
quarter he spotted the best seat in the house. He
went over to the empty seat and said to the guy sitting
beside it, "Is anyone sitting here?" "No.", the guy
replied. So the man sat down, and about 30 minutes
later, he couldn't resist saying, "Man! This is an awesome
seat! Whoever gave it up must be CRAZY!" The guy sitting
next to him replied, "Well, actually, that was supposed
to be my wife's seat, but she died." The man, feeling
like **** said, "Oh, that's awful, but couldn't you
have asked a relative to come with you?" "No", said
the guy. The man was confused, and asked, "Why not?"
The guy replied, "Because they're all at the funeral

[Kuru]

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public
lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's
penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

"Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."

"Like what?" Martin said.

"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.

"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.

"Straight, like normal," Gary said.

"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin
said.

Gary finished what he was doing and started to give
his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in
his pants. "What did you do that for?" Martin said.

"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."
"&%$#@ !," Martin said. "And all these years I've been
wringing it."

[DrRalph]

A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude
and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon further and
shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this
field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am. How did you know?"

"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management.&q