Old Light Relief Thread [Archive] - Page 5 - Archery Forum

unclepete

18-09-2004, 05:10 PM

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."

"What do you mean it is illegal?" asked the Englishmen.

"Quattro means four" replies Paddy.

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

frommy

18-09-2004, 08:53 PM

:lol:

What would happen to a driver of a Fiat Bambino? :)

I used to own one. :oops:

The One

19-09-2004, 01:09 PM

My commiserations :o

2Dogs

22-09-2004, 11:38 AM

Patrick had been drinking at his local Dublin Pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany. Mick the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy"

Patrick replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Patrick spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.

"Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stair and says "No fockin' way."

He crawls up the stair to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Patrick says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' p*ssed. But how'd you know?

"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

unclepete

22-09-2004, 06:04 PM

Ever tried to affect an Irish accent and just couldn't quite get it?

Say this sentence out loud and ask your mates how Irish you sound :) (A few Guiness on board doesn't hurt :wink: )

Whale Oil Beef Hooked

unclepete

22-09-2004, 06:16 PM

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel. Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside.

"Ah, will you look at that ?" one ditch digger said. "What's our world comin' to when men of the cloth are visitin' such places ?"

A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside.

"Do you believe that ?" the workman explained. "Why, 'tis no wonder the young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen set for them."

After a hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whorehouse.

"Ah, what a pity." the digger said, leaning on his shovel. "One of the poor lasses must be dyin'."

abaggs

22-09-2004, 07:21 PM

:rofl:
:rofl:

SO TRUE!!

2Dogs

27-09-2004, 09:10 AM

A Red Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, comin' right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot some crap, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

Phelan

29-09-2004, 09:26 AM

good one 2Dogs

Relates very well to some managers i know... :roll:

Axilla

30-09-2004, 06:34 PM

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said: "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man asks, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion: "Ahhhhh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?

His friend replies, "A carnation?"

"No, no. The other one," the man says.

His friend offers another suggestion: "The poppy?"

"Nahhhh," growls the man. "You know - the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes! Thank you," the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Antoine

30-09-2004, 06:44 PM

ROFL! that't a good one..
reminds me of my parents! :D

abaggs

02-10-2004, 07:39 AM

wareagle

02-10-2004, 02:50 PM

I got the following from the Whittley Boat Club newsletter.
A man was refused entry to a nightclub for not wearing a tie.
He returned to his car, took a set of jumper leads from the boot and fashioned them around his neck in the shape of a tie. He returned to the nightclub where the bouncer eyed him suspiciously . "You can come in , but don't start anything."

BATHING THE CAT
1.Put both lids of the toilet up and add a cup of pet shampoo to the bowl.
2.Pick up the cat and sooth him as you carry him towards the bathroom.
3.In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids
4.The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noise that comes from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5.Flush the toilet three or four times.This provides a power wash and rinse.
6.Have someone open the front door of your home . Be sure that there is no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7.Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.
8.The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and run outside where he will dry himself.
9.Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog.

Antoine

02-10-2004, 03:01 PM

Tried that, didn't work. And we couldn't use the toilet for three weeks after that.

ow, and had to get a new cat. Never found out what happened to the other one...

unclepete

02-10-2004, 03:29 PM

General Motors Help line

If the automotive world had to deal with the complaints that IT support handles everyday...

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"

HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"

Customer: "What's an ignition?"

HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?"

----

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"

HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?"

Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"

HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"

Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"

HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you."

Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

------

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Your cars suck!"

HelpLine: "What's wrong?"

Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"

HelpLine: "What were you doing?"

Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!

HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"

Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!"

----

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

Customer: "How do I work it?"

HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"

Customer: "Do I know how to what?"

HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"

Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!"

toxic_rabbit

02-10-2004, 06:23 PM

:rofl: very good Pete

chopper

02-10-2004, 06:44 PM

After ten years of handling IT support calls, I can really relate to that pete :D :D

unclepete

02-10-2004, 06:51 PM

After ten years of handling IT support calls, I can really relate to that pete :D :D

My favourite (??) goes something like this:

Me: What did you change
Luser: Nothing
Me: Are you sure?
Luser: It just broke for no reason
Me: <after long and involved diagnostics> That <points> has been changed
Luser: Oh. That little thing. But that wouldn't have done anything.

The years have rolled by, the technology has changed, but the same damn scenario keeps playing over and over. It's like Groundhog Day for techs :(

chopper

02-10-2004, 06:52 PM

Absolutely :D

unclepete

02-10-2004, 06:55 PM

I was reminded of this one by Chopper's comments.

If Architects had to work like Computer Analysts

Dear Mr. Architect:

Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion. My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one. Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).

As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.) Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that the kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator.

To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, make certain that you contact each of our children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of these options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you make. Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpet. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.

Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.

While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers.

Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has. Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.

You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans.

PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.

PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case.

chopper

02-10-2004, 07:05 PM

Yep

2Dogs

02-10-2004, 08:09 PM

:rofl:

Actually I fell of the chair picturing Chopper in IT :lol:

chopper

03-10-2004, 12:13 AM

Me -"Good afternoon, welcome to *****, chopper speaking
'
Luser - "my email won't work"

Me - "May I have your username or email address please?"

Luser - "I don't have one"

Me - "You don't have an email address, or you don't have a username?"

Luser - "I don't have either"

Me - "Perhaps I could credit 50 cents to your account so that you could CALL SOMEONE WHO CARES"

( now can you see it 2dogs)

abaggs

03-10-2004, 08:50 PM

PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.

PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case.

Dad's an architect~this is sooooo close to the truth its....hilarious

:rofl:

Flehrad

04-10-2004, 10:46 AM

Rabbit's Ph.D. Thesis:

A Parable for Graduate Students

Scene: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside
his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter.

Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

Fox: "What are you working on?"

Rabbit: "My thesis."

Fox: "Hmmm. What's it about?"

Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
(incredulous pause)

Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."

Rabbit: "Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me."

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, the
rabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes typing.

Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

Wolf: "What's that you're writing?"

Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."
(loud guffaws)

Wolf: "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"

Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit
returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.

Scene: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox
bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the
room, a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.

(The End)

Moral:
It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject.
It doesn't matter what you use for data.
What does matter is who you have for a thesis advisor.

toxic_rabbit

04-10-2004, 10:51 AM

Moral : Never trust a PhD student, he has been around a while :lol:

Marcus

04-10-2004, 11:00 AM

Speaking of Tech Support I have had some good ones in the programming and tech world.

IT Manager: "Our server crashed, we won't have email for a few hours"

Boss: "What! In the future give us advance warning that this will happen so we can prepare for it!"

____

Boss: "We need this project done in 4 weeks"
Programmer: "But this project takes 3 months, like the last 3 times we did it. And you've added new features, they will take time"
Boss: "We noticed you do mock ups really fast, we figure a full project should be just as quick"

____

Creative Director of The Company: "What we need is a really catchy name for our ordering system. How about "The Company Ordering System"
Programming falls off chair laughing :"That's brilliant!"

_____

Salesman: "Boss, the photocopier doesn't work"
Boss: "Just get one of the IT guys to fix it"

_____

Salesman: "Boss, my desk is broken"
Boss: "Just get one of the IT guys to fix it"

Flame

04-10-2004, 11:38 AM

Phelan

04-10-2004, 11:40 AM

At times I have been that IT guy!!! :roll:

Axilla

04-10-2004, 11:41 AM

Just when you think the Flame's gone out, it flares up again :wink:

Clare Barnes

04-10-2004, 11:43 AM

Just when you think the Flame's gone out, it flares up again :wink:

Perhaps he's been busy studying - did you note that there were words as well as an emoticon! :D

Flame

04-10-2004, 11:57 AM

Just when you think the Flame's gone out, it flares up again :wink:

Perhaps he's been busy studying - did you note that there were words as well as an emoticon! :D

Just saving them up for Frommy 8)

2Dogs

04-10-2004, 02:11 PM

Good to see your alive ember :wink:

OldDog

04-10-2004, 04:10 PM

The Best Chain Letter Ever
> >
> > Hello, my name is Lewis and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50
> > billion ****ing chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe
> > that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a
> > breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it
> > removed
> > before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.
> >
> > Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and
> > everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?
> >
> > How stupid are we?
> >
> > "Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get
> > laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!"
> >
> > What a bunch of bull****.
> >
> > Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and
> > sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was
> > started
> > by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the
> > Mayflower.
> >
> > **** 'em.
> >
> > If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly
> > amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and
> > this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a
> > nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.
> >
> > I don't ****ing care.
> >
> > Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually
> > contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own
> > unpopularity.
> >
> > The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to
> > leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If
> > it's
> > funny, send it on.
> >
> >
> > Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in
> > Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant
> > for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll
> > receive if you forward this email.
> >
> > Now forward this to everyone you know.
> >
> > Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and
> > will consume your genitals.
> >
> > Have a nice day.
> >
> > P.S. Send me 15 bucks
> >
> >

Flame

04-10-2004, 04:22 PM

:rofl:

The forum of old :D

abaggs

04-10-2004, 06:32 PM

:rofl:

limetree

04-10-2004, 06:35 PM

nice

Flame

04-10-2004, 07:04 PM

Good to see your alive ember :wink:

http://www.users.on.net/wwwsys/Images/Forum/flamex.jpg

unclepete

04-10-2004, 07:24 PM

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did so, slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He did.

"Now take off my skirt."

He did.

"Now take off my bra."

Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.

Now," she said, "take off my panties."

He slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

The One

04-10-2004, 07:30 PM

:rofl:

Robert de Bondt

05-10-2004, 01:25 PM

Mr Honda, of the Honda Motor Corporation, died and went to heaven for judgement. At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him". St. Peter took Mr Honda to the throne Room and introduced him to God.
He then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?" God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".
"Well," said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your design."

1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous,
and don't even get me started talking about the maintenance costs.

"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God, "Lets have a wee look." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.."

Phelan

05-10-2004, 02:49 PM

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Thats a good one!!

limetree

05-10-2004, 04:23 PM

How to shower like a woman:

Get in shower - use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide
loofah and pumice stone. Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
with 43 added vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.
Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural
avocado oil,
leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial,
scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with gingernut
and jaffa cake body wash.
Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegeeoff all wet surfaces in
shower, spray mould spots with Exit-Mould. Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Check entire body for spots, tweeze hairs.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.

How to Shower like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed. Leave in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound.
Look at manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your knob and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound
in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap.
Shampoo hair. Make shampoo mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off shampoo and get out of shower.
Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor.
Admire knob size in mirror again.
Leave shower door open, wet mat on floor, light on and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass your wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make
woo-hoo noises again!

Phelan

05-10-2004, 04:26 PM

i thnk this has been posted once before......

limetree

05-10-2004, 04:29 PM

No doubt In 1 of 72 pages would have to have been

coach

05-10-2004, 06:00 PM

That is a crack up :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

toxic_rabbit

06-10-2004, 12:09 AM

yes, me, here, on page 13 :wink: its a bit diferent - all fathfully copied outta a book, you know, one of those non electric thingys :D

[quote=toxic_rabbit]How to Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothing and place it in laundry hampers according to lights, darks, whites, man-made or natural.
Walk to bathroom wearing a long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair twice with cucumber and grapefruit shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition hair with cucumber and grapefruit conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave in hair for 15 minuets.
Wash face with apricot scrub for ten minuets until red raw.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least fifteen minuets to make sure its all come off.
Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.
Turn off shower. Wipe all surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country.
Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for remotest sign of spots.
Return to bedroom wearing a long dressing gown and towel on head.
If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How to Shower Like a Man

Take off cloths while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to bathroom.
If wife seen, shake wedding tackle at her while shouting

toxic_rabbit

06-10-2004, 12:10 AM

dance whitey dance :lol:

http://www.twonotesolo.com/osn/movie1.html

unclepete

06-10-2004, 06:45 AM

One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, he tied her up and went to the archery club.

Phelan

06-10-2004, 08:22 AM

very good unclepete...

The One

06-10-2004, 10:29 AM

Not all of us are THAT much in love with archery!

Antoine

06-10-2004, 10:38 AM

Really depends on the wife I suppose... :D

enseth

06-10-2004, 12:04 PM

Really, the best thing to do would be tie her up, give her a damn good rogering, and then go to the archery range.

That way your sure to be nice and relaxed and should shoot really well!!

Phelan

06-10-2004, 01:37 PM

Really, the best thing to do would be tie her up, give her a damn good rogering, and then go to the archery range.

as mentioned above...

Really depends on the wife I suppose... :lol:

coach

06-10-2004, 03:23 PM

You getting a bit toey up there all by yourself Enseth? :wink:

toxic_rabbit

06-10-2004, 09:21 PM

what are we comming too :roll:

http://web14.compaq.com/falco/detail.asp?FAQnum=FAQ2859

Milkovitsch

06-10-2004, 11:26 PM

Okay, this was on a previous link.

http://omgwtf.superlime.com/psychic.swf

Lyle

07-10-2004, 11:05 AM

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women

have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her

why.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but

returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things

than his dad does. She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the
man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to

play.

Shortly thereafter the boy returns again and promptly tells his

mother:

"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer

he talks, the dumber he gets."

katzgrin

07-10-2004, 04:00 PM

HUNTSVILLE, Texas (Reuters) - Texas put an Illinois man to death by lethal injection on Wednesday for killing a Houston-area man and robbing his apartment in 1986.

For his final meal, Miniel requested 20 beef tacos, 20 beef enchiladas, two double cheeseburgers, a pizza with jalapenos, fried chicken, spaghetti with salt, half of a chocolate cake and half of a vanilla cake, cookies and cream ice cream, carmel pecan fudge ice cream, a small fruit cake, two Coca-Colas, two Pepsi-Colas, two root beers and two orange juices.

His final word? BURP

Texas has nine more executions scheduled for this year. The next execution is planned for Oct. 12.

If all nine follow his example it will be one hell of a food bill.

OldDog

07-10-2004, 08:44 PM

I give up, How does that work :roll:

Flehrad

07-10-2004, 10:31 PM

Anyone wishing to be in SWAT?.....

http://data.4chan.org/b/src/1097128487601.jpg

Edit: bugger, the file is gone....

Milkovitsch

08-10-2004, 07:35 AM

Old Dog,

Like most tricks, it is surprisingly simple once you figure it out.
Once you do the calculation as instructed, there are only a limited number of results. The program simply change the symbol next to these numbers each time.

Flehrad

08-10-2004, 08:27 AM

Let's try that again :D
http://www.skipjack.info/gallery/funny/swat_signals?full=1

Guy

08-10-2004, 12:48 PM

The key numbers are 9, 18, 27, 36, 45 ..... 81. The symbol for each number is the same until the page is refreshed, then it changes for all of them to another symbol. When you add the two digits and subtract from the original you get the same result for each series of ten. eg.
30, 3+0=3, 30-3=27
31, 3+1=4, 31-4=27
32, 3+2=5, 32-5=27

65, 6+5=11, 65-11=54
66, 6+6=12, 66-12=54
and so on

You would see that 27 and 54 have the same symbol (as do 9, 18, etc).
So it doesn't matter what you pick, you will always get the same symbol.

NormB

08-10-2004, 12:51 PM

Tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that,

abaggs

08-10-2004, 04:34 PM

:rofl:

Milkovitsch

12-10-2004, 04:51 PM

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. e.g.
"House" is feminine -"la maison", "Pencil" is masculine -"le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups -- male and female and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for immediate later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

(no chuckling guys .. this gets better!!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine>("le computer"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Milkovitsch

12-10-2004, 04:56 PM

The previous post reminds me about one particular necrofiliac who was also into bestiallity......he gave up once he realised he was flogging a dead horse. :roll:

(Sorry, please feel free to remove this post if offensive).

coach

12-10-2004, 05:53 PM

please feel free Free is my wife AKA Freestyler So I take offense at this ! :rofl:

Milkovitsch

12-10-2004, 05:55 PM

Sorry Coach,

At least I did say 'please'. :oops:

coach

12-10-2004, 06:01 PM

At least I did say 'please'. Yes you did , so you are excused. :D

Axilla

12-10-2004, 06:32 PM

You left out 'masochistic' in that joke, M. (Hence the 'flogging') :wink:

Okay, now we'll both get deposted :(

coach

12-10-2004, 06:34 PM

You left out 'masochistic' in that joke, M. (Hence the 'flogging')

Okay, now we'll both get deposted wtf?

Clare Barnes

12-10-2004, 06:53 PM

A stranger was seated next to little Tommy on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go more quickly if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. "

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said little Tommy. "That's an interesting topic but let me ask YOU a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass - the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I've no idea."

"Well then," said little Tommy, "how is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"

Phelan

13-10-2004, 08:02 AM

Very funny Clare, heard it beore but still very true.

toxic_rabbit

13-10-2004, 02:24 PM

hahaha

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=72478&item=2492035955&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW

2Dogs

13-10-2004, 03:03 PM

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm. "I'd like to buy a horth" he
says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth," the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth," says the dwarf, "can I thee her eyth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nith eyth," says the dwarf, "can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nith eerth," he says "now can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks the dwarf up and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina, he holds him there for a second before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says

"Perhaps I should weefwaze that... can I see her wun awound?"

toxic_rabbit

13-10-2004, 03:43 PM

:rofl:

toxic_rabbit

13-10-2004, 07:31 PM

In the Interest of National Security

We all know that it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman naked other than his wife, and that he must commit suicide if he does. So, this Saturday at 4:00 pm all women living in Australia are asked to walk out of their houses, completely naked, to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this antiterrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wives and to show support for all Australian women.

And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack of VB at your side would be a further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.

The Australian Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this antiterrorist activity.

God Bless Australia!

Jules

13-10-2004, 09:03 PM

Since we are listing Automotive Ebay Ads:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&?ViewItem&item=7927433876

toxic_rabbit

13-10-2004, 09:23 PM

Just one more, there are thousands out there.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5515623962&rd=1

for more :D
http://www.funnyauctions.com/index.php

Rednock

14-10-2004, 03:43 AM

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandad and says, "Grandad, please make a frog noise."
Grandad says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please...please make a frog noise."
Grandad says, "No, now go play."
The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandad to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandad and says, "Please make a frog noise."
Grandad says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no."
The little girl says, "Please...please Grandad make a frog noise."
Grandad says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mummy said when you croak we can afford to go to Disneyland!"

Antoine

14-10-2004, 09:17 AM

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped
him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly
hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the
daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it is all my fault. Today is my first
day driving a cab... for the last 25 years I've been driving a hearse.

abaggs

14-10-2004, 10:24 AM

:rofl:

abaggs

14-10-2004, 10:25 AM

double post :oops:

bloody dial up

toxic_rabbit

14-10-2004, 04:25 PM

This is an actual job application that a 75 year
old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right
woman (or at least, one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice
President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I
was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock
options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If
that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management
hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible
collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday,Tuesday,
and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but
they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had
one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate
question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR
RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the
Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell
me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - no.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb
sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be
doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND
COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

Mike13

14-10-2004, 04:28 PM

I've seen almost exactly the same thing presented as a kids application for McDonalds.
Still funny though.

Lyle

15-10-2004, 06:20 AM

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around
the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop! " So
the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some
special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild
at sex. " Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals
after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was. The husband asked the man, "How could
sandals make you into a sexfreak? " The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon. " Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he
got this wild look in his eyes. . . something his wife hadn't seen in many
years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent
him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own
pants, and grabbed a firm hold of he Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican
then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM on DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM on DE WRONG FEET ! !

unclepete

15-10-2004, 06:34 AM

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point,she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, Honey?"

"Mommy, where's my booger?"

Notquiterhood

15-10-2004, 07:22 AM

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v482/NotquiteRHood/sss.bmp

Notquiterhood

15-10-2004, 07:26 AM

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v482/NotquiteRHood/ips.bmp

2Dogs

15-10-2004, 07:46 AM

:rofl:.......being an Ex Ipswichian, you don't know how true that is :D

Notquiterhood

15-10-2004, 07:48 AM

Glad you like

Mick

unclepete

15-10-2004, 07:54 AM

I like the super squirrel :D

Notquiterhood

15-10-2004, 08:04 AM

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v482/NotquiteRHood/csp.bmp

unclepete

15-10-2004, 08:06 AM

:rofl:

abaggs

15-10-2004, 08:25 AM

:rofl:
:rofl:
:rofl:

Axilla

15-10-2004, 06:20 PM

http://members.ozemail.com.au/~axila/error.jpg

rooster

20-10-2004, 09:32 AM

When is @#$% Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has
been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean,
we are sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot
could understand that."

-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$%
did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT
on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers,
my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1998

and a drum roll please............!

1. "Geez, I didn't think

they'd get this

@%#*^ing mad."

-- Saddam Hussein, 2003

abaggs

20-10-2004, 12:18 PM

Gonna have to be inappropriate here....

That was @%#*en hilarious! nice one

chopper

20-10-2004, 12:34 PM

You forgot......

@#$%ing Clout

-Marcus Annear 2000, 01, 02, 03, 04

abaggs

20-10-2004, 12:48 PM

:rofl:

Marcus

20-10-2004, 01:15 PM

You forgot......

@#$%ing Clout

-Marcus Annear 2000, 01, 02, 03, 04
You mean

89, 90, 91, 92, 93, 94

Now I couldn't care less. :lol:

chopper

20-10-2004, 01:19 PM

:rofl: MAO

unclepete

20-10-2004, 09:38 PM

Simple and addictive

http://www.fetchfido.co.uk/games/squares-2/squares-2.htm

toxic_rabbit

20-10-2004, 10:07 PM

85 squares, score 6862 :D

Flehrad

20-10-2004, 10:41 PM

80 squares 7131 points.... (I love those black circles when they give invincibility!) :D

Jason

20-10-2004, 10:44 PM

that game is so sweet, 117squares 11905 it gets hell quick

Jason

20-10-2004, 10:51 PM

try this one, not bad either

http://www.fetchfido.co.uk/games/curve_ball/curve_ball.htm

Shirt

21-10-2004, 08:28 AM

A Married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The husband is behind the wheel.

His wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45mph.

The wife speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," she says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and
he's a far better lover than you are."

Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

She pushes her luck. "I want the house," she says insistently. Up to 65."I want the car, too," she continues. 75 mph. "And," she says,
I'll have the bank accounts and all the credit cards!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes her nervous, so she asks him: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The husband at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," he says.

"Oh, really," she inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the husband turns to her and smiles.

"The airbag!"

Phelan

21-10-2004, 08:46 AM

oh hahahahaha :rofl: :rofl:

The One

21-10-2004, 12:00 PM

Level 7, 21975 points

Foxcub

21-10-2004, 03:17 PM

frist go 14014

Marcus

21-10-2004, 03:40 PM

Square game
15787
136 squares

Notquiterhood

21-10-2004, 04:25 PM

YOu guys have to much time on your hands.

Mick

Foxcub

21-10-2004, 06:09 PM

17625 live 7

unclepete

23-10-2004, 07:01 AM

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

unclepete

23-10-2004, 07:14 AM

A cowboy's guide to life

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's sure crucial to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

grantwomack

23-10-2004, 07:21 AM

18210 and level 8.

Antoine

28-10-2004, 08:21 PM

http://tonicturtle.free.fr/right.jpg
no comment...

Milkovitsch

29-10-2004, 10:07 AM

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I pooped in my pants".
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''ROARRRR!''"

Milkovitsch

29-10-2004, 10:26 AM

Three ladies

Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that Far!

OK, I better do some work now.

Flame

29-10-2004, 10:30 AM

:rofl:

stars_shine

29-10-2004, 01:38 PM

lol!
even i get those, and im blonde

Milkovitsch

29-10-2004, 02:46 PM

Ok, just one more....

http://www.boomchicago.nl/Section/Latest-News/BoomChicagoVotingMachine

Axilla

29-10-2004, 06:03 PM

A cowboy's guide to life

Check for rattlesnakes before you crap in the mesquite

unclepete

29-10-2004, 07:11 PM

A cowboy's guide to life

Check for rattlesnakes before you crap in the mesquite

Yep - gettin' bit in the arroyo ain't fun :D

unclepete

29-10-2004, 07:53 PM

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the bloody car."

abaggs

29-10-2004, 09:35 PM

haha, I think every male has experienced this, I have.

...and I have only been driving for six months :D

Antoine

02-11-2004, 06:10 PM

A blind guy walks in a pub full of women, manages to get to the bar and orders a beer.

after a while he tells the waitress:
- Do you want to hear a blonde joke ?
(the pub suddenly becomes very quiet)

THen, with a loud deep voice, the woman next to the blind guy gently tells him:
- Little mister, before you start you might want to consider this:
1 - the waitress is blonde;
2 - the dancer is blonde ;
3 - i'm 1m80, I weight 85 kg , am black belt in Karate... and blonde
4 - the lady next to me is also blonde and is a pro wrestler.
Now, think about it. Do you still want to tell us that joke?

And blind guy to answer: "Naaa... not if I need to explain it 3 times"

darthfik

03-11-2004, 07:58 PM

A site for the technicaly challenged.
http://www.techtales.com

wareagle

04-11-2004, 02:36 PM

Chinese man said to boss,"Boss me feelee sick me no come to work today".
Boss said,"well do what I do, when I feel sick, I go home and make love with my wife, makes me feel a lot better".
Next day,chinese man goes to work," hey Boss, you right, me feelee lot better now,and you have lovely home also."

abaggs

04-11-2004, 03:34 PM

lol

unclepete

04-11-2004, 03:38 PM

A site for the technicaly challenged.
http://www.techtales.com

Geeks will love this site (especially those in hosting or tech support)

www.userfriendly.org

Milkovitsch

04-11-2004, 03:40 PM

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she could say a word, Bob says "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her the $800 and leaves.

Confused, but excited by her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

coach

05-11-2004, 07:19 PM

Probably get banned for this but here goes

"What is the definition of a housewife"? :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

An attatchment you screw on the bed and it gets the housework done! :D :D :D :D :D

unclepete

05-11-2004, 07:38 PM

Yep - definitely a banning offence.

Putting all those emoticons in one joke deserves the harshest punishment :)

Kuru

06-11-2004, 03:57 AM

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes that she is headed straight toward his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.
Low and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?" She turns and smiles and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

Whoa! He swallows hard and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?" She flips her long hair back, turns to him, looks into his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he says, swallowing hard, again. "And what myths are those?" She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."

"Very interesting" the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name." The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto, Tonto Goldstein."

Kuru

06-11-2004, 03:59 AM

A man spent his entire life savings on his pride and joy

Kuru

06-11-2004, 04:02 AM

A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field. Ten years goes by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees the little snail sitting on the doormat. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that all about?"

Kuru

06-11-2004, 04:03 AM

Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that says, "Cow For Sale...$5000"
He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars." The farmer says, Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." He lifts the cow's tail, and Harry sees the cow has a snatch just like a woman.

Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife, and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth ****."

Kuru

06-11-2004, 04:05 AM

A little boy comes home from school and asks his mother what a pussy is. The boy's mother gets out a dictionary and shows him a picture of a cat. The boy then asks his mom what a bitch is. The mother turns the pages until she finds a picture of a dog.
When the boy's father gets home from work, the boy asks him what a pussy is. His father gets out a Playboy, opens it up to the centerfold, and draws a circle around the Playmate's pussy. The boy then asks his father to explain what a bitch is?

The father looks at his son and says, "A bitch is everything outside the circle."

Kuru

06-11-2004, 04:05 AM

One day a first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy ****! A talking pig!'"

Kuru

06-11-2004, 04:07 AM

Bill Gates is the Antichrist
The real name of Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is know as Bill Gates III. By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his III, you get the following:
B=66 I=73 L=76 L=76 G=71 A=65 T=84 E=69 S=83 I=1 I=1 I=1

Total = 666

Kuru

06-11-2004, 04:09 AM

A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over.
The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?"

"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"

"No," replied the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away."

Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going BOY?!?"

Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhhh, over 55?"

"93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"

"But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"

Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, "That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good look at the Bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob recanted, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"

The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?"

"I'm an asshole stretcher!!!" replied Bob.

"What you say, BOY?!?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm an asshole stretcher!!!"

Of course the cop asked, "What does an asshole stretcher do?"

Bob explained, " People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole ?"

Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!

Kuru

06-11-2004, 04:21 AM

Three gay guys are sitting in a bar. The first one farts and it doesn't make a sound. The second one farts and it doesn't make a sound. The third one farts and it's really loud. The other two say "Ooo, a virgin."

Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: 20 blind lesbians in a fish market.

Q: What is the most common pick-up line heard in a gay bar?
A: Can I push in your stool???

Q: What's the difference between a homosexual and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out!

A gay guy falls in love with a proctologist. He goes to the proctologist's office and says he has an obstruction. So the proctologist sticks his hand up the guy's ass but can't find anything. However, he notices that the man has an erection, so the proctologist cuts short the examination and orders the gay guy out of his office.
The next day, the gay guy calls the proctologist and claims he has another obstruction. The proctologist doesn't believe him but the guy claims he is in great pain, so the doctor relents. When the guy arrives, the doctor sticks his hand up the guy's ass again but this time he finds something. "Good God!!!", the doctor exclaims, "No wonder you're in pain -- there are two dozen roses shoved up your ass!". The gay guy turns around excitedly and says, "Read the card! Read the Card!!"

Kuru

06-11-2004, 04:24 AM

Anniversary Gifts
A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they gave their wives for their anniversary. The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz." Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?" The rich man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace, she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back."
The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then proceeds to tell him what he got his wife. "I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo." With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you buy her those gifts?!" The poor man replies, "Well, in case she doesnt like the flip flops, she can go f*ck herself."

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles...the salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?".

He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"

Milkovitsch

08-11-2004, 04:29 PM

After numerous rounds of, "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"
Osama himself decided to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting
to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV '0773H

Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell.
Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA.
No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service.
Eventually they asked Canada's RCMP for help. The RCMP cabled the
White House: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down!"

doug timbs

08-11-2004, 04:56 PM

Milkovitsch

08-11-2004, 04:58 PM

http://users.pandora.be/stefdirrix/flash/italy.htm

Owen

09-11-2004, 07:08 PM

http://globalspec.com/trebuchet/

close to Archery

Rodger

09-11-2004, 09:13 PM

http://globalspec.com/trebuchet/

close to Archery

2915! :D

Rednock

10-11-2004, 06:39 AM

I guess from all these posts, you're quit young Gareth.............. 8)

unclepete

10-11-2004, 10:39 AM

http://globalspec.com/trebuchet/

close to Archery

Damn you :fist:

I'll probably spend all day with this :(

Trebuchet are seriously cool machines

abaggs

10-11-2004, 02:19 PM

3816 :)

mbomike

10-11-2004, 04:58 PM

"The Horse Race"

Horses in the race are:
1. Passionate Lady
6. Clean Sheets
2. Bare Belly
7. Thighs
3. Silk Panties
8. Big Johnson
4. Conscience
9. Heavy Bosum
5. Jockey Shorts
10. Merry Cherry

At the Post:
They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and
Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosum is being pressured.
Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very
tight spot.

At the Halfway Mark
It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in.
Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate
Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under
terrific pressure from Big Johnson.

At The Stretch
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Johnson is making a final
drive. Passionate Lady is coming.

At The Finish
Its Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes
everything Big Johnson has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big
Johnson squirts through and wins by a head. Heavy Bosum weakens
and Thighs pullup. Clean Sheets never had a chance.........

mbomike

10-11-2004, 05:07 PM

Reason No.1 not to get too drunk :o

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~lazelec/mypic66.jpg

James Park

10-11-2004, 05:17 PM

Rule number 1 when drunK: remember to unzip fly before having a pee.
(I have not tested this, but understand it to be quite important).

abaggs

10-11-2004, 10:49 PM

:rofl:

(to all of the above :lol: )

unclepete

11-11-2004, 12:21 AM

This guy says to his mate in the pub, "You'll never believe what happened last night."

His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened."

The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch."

She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"

I said, "Of course, you can," and shut the door.

Milkovitsch

11-11-2004, 12:49 PM

Don't ask me why someone sent me jokes on this topic, weird :roll:
you need to have children to appreciate this.... :)

A father was at the beach with his children when the four- year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

_____________________________________

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer
for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.

I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation,"
she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail.

Amen."
____________________________________

and one particular four-year-old prayed,

"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

stars_shine

11-11-2004, 06:19 PM

:rofl:
hehehehe!

DanceswithDingoes

11-11-2004, 07:20 PM

heres one for Flame, Axilla and Claire; :D
http://users.pandora.be/stefdirrix/flash/kitshoot.swf

unclepete

11-11-2004, 07:31 PM

I think we've seen something similar before. The background pictures really put me off

CMB50

12-11-2004, 08:26 AM

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past
and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink
from the river.

The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the
river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him
to the side then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"The lizard
explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the
monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while
taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks
intothe jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a
joint,and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says "Faaaaaaark dude....... how much water
did
you drink?!!"

:silly: :lying:

toxic_rabbit

12-11-2004, 10:46 AM

:rofl:

abaggs

12-11-2004, 01:45 PM

:rofl:

CMB50

12-11-2004, 04:39 PM

I think those that laughed at that joke are a bit like me, able to picture themselves as the monkey in that situation!! :lol: :turn-l:

unclepete

12-11-2004, 04:48 PM

Actually, I can picture nyself in the crocodile's place - surrounded by whacked out folk who make no sense at all and, whenever I look at them, all I see is a monkey's arse.

OldDog

12-11-2004, 04:49 PM

:rofl:

unclepete

12-11-2004, 04:51 PM

Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say,

coach

12-11-2004, 05:16 PM

I think those that laughed at that joke are a bit like me, able to picture themselves as the monkey in that situation!!

So,, you choof a bit aye Cam? 8)

mbomike

12-11-2004, 08:41 PM

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke and a drink when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end put it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Lady 1. "What's that ?"

lady 2 "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet"

Lady 1 "Where did you get it ?"

Lady 2 "You can get them at any Chemist"

The next day lady 1 hobbles into her local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely ( she is after all 80 years old) but very delicately asks her what brands she prefers

"Doesn't matter son ", says lady 1 " as long as it fits a camel"

The pharmacist fainted

abaggs

12-11-2004, 10:54 PM

:rofl:

monkey thing just funny :-?

CMB50

12-11-2004, 10:57 PM

I think those that laughed at that joke are a bit like me, able to picture themselves as the monkey in that situation!!

So,, you choof a bit aye Cam? 8)

NO! I just watch a lot of TV! :o :angel:

mbomike

17-11-2004, 06:33 PM

Subject: USRSF

The Pentagon announced today the formation of an elite fighting group
called the US Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).

The boys, Cooter, Bubba, Hoss, and Bo will be dropped behind enemy lines
and given the following information about the Iraqis:

1. The season opened last weekend.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.

5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The war should be over in a week.

abaggs

17-11-2004, 09:00 PM

:rofl:

abaggs

17-11-2004, 09:02 PM

ooooh!

6. The president would be there as soon they finished to have a beer and some ribs.

...war over in three days

unclepete

17-11-2004, 09:38 PM

A letter from Trudy---

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help!

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain. I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!

Clare Barnes

18-11-2004, 06:58 AM

Today's survival tip:
-------------------------------------------
Next time you are too drunk to drive just walk to the nearest Pizza Hut, place a delivery order, and when they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them. :D

The One

18-11-2004, 07:10 AM

Hey - sounds like a plan!

abaggs

18-11-2004, 10:18 AM

LOL Thats the best!

unclepete

18-11-2004, 07:56 PM

I've always wondered - what happens if you get scared half to death......twice

Axilla

18-11-2004, 07:59 PM

unclepete

18-11-2004, 08:06 PM

Aaaah - I get it. So the more often you're scared, the less scared you get.

Clever :lol:

Aarleks

19-11-2004, 07:10 AM

Bored at work... :D

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/papertoss.html

toxic_rabbit

19-11-2004, 09:30 AM

15 is my crappy best :D

The One

19-11-2004, 10:21 AM

27 :D

Notquiterhood

19-11-2004, 10:44 AM

My best so far is 23

abaggs

19-11-2004, 03:22 PM

That's the fastest I have ever gotten bored of something. :o :D

The One

19-11-2004, 08:34 PM

Uni is over for the year, so i have to force myself to not get bored of new things quickly!

Aarleks

19-11-2004, 08:42 PM

Geez Andrew!! 27!! I spent an hour on it and could only get to 11 (mind you it was 7am so I was half asleep :wink: )

Antoine

19-11-2004, 08:51 PM

How to get a car out of the water :lol: :roll: :o

http://zattevrienden.realroot.be/depanneren.htm

DrRalph

22-11-2004, 11:34 PM

Useful page of the day.

http://integrals.wolfram.com/

Try this one :)

(Log[x]^16)/Sqrt[1-x^2]

And this one was an actual problem I needed to solve:

x Exp[-((Log[x]-m)^2)/(2 s^2)]/Sqrt[2 Pi s^2]

What an amazing page.

Shirt

23-11-2004, 01:49 AM

OK, it's probably been up before...

www.blastbilliards.com

I'm **** at it, but it's still amazingly addictive.

unclepete

23-11-2004, 07:25 AM

Can't remember if this one's been posted. What the hey - I like it :)

WHAT WE ALL SHOULD KNOW

Doctors:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

(Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.)

Now think about this:

Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. Yes, that is 80 million.
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

* Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention

unclepete

23-11-2004, 07:36 AM

There's at least one other B5 fan on this forum, so here goes...

Everything I need to know I learned from Babylon 5
------------------------------------------------------------

Don't argue with superior beings.

Don't shoot people: The paperwork is a pain in the butt.

Know what you want in case somebody asks.

A hot jallah is better than Zima anyday!

Know all the laws and read the fine print.

No one is precisely what they appear to be.

The only truth in war is that people die.

"Why not" is a perfectly good reason.

Sometimes even Shadows can show us the way home.

The future isn't what it used to be.

Beware of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.

Go to the bathroom before you leave.

Bend the rules, but don't break them.

The power of one mind can change the universe.

If you're making an encounter suit, design it so you can get into it quickly.

Share your second favorite thing in the universe with a friend.

Look forward to the day when you have cleansed the universe of your enemy and carved their bones into flutes for your chi