Old Light Relief Thread

[DrRalph]

This is solvable....

http://ga-software.alphalink.com.au/dogs/dogs.htm

(An old puzzle but a good one, and the webpage above saved me the trouble of setting a new one up. No cheating looking for the solution with a web search engine either.)

Question: Would Dog's Mead make a suitable archery range for the Nationals? If so, which event?


Cheers
DrR

[unclepete]

This is solvable....

http://ga-software.alphalink.com.au/dogs/dogs.htm

(An old puzzle but a good one, and the webpage above saved me the trouble of setting a new one up. No cheating looking for the solution with a web search engine either.)

Question: Would Dog's Mead make a suitable archery range for the Nationals? If so, which event?


Cheers
DrR

Haven't got to Dog's Mead yet, but the river crossing was 22min by my count, unless Elvis really is dead, in which case subtract 5 minutes :)

[Mike13]

Yeah, I got 22.

[Mike13]

Question: Would Dog's Mead make a suitable archery range for the Nationals? If so, which event?

If I've got this right then Dog's Mead would fit the clout range along it's length with about 20m to spare.

[DrRalph]

Question: Would Dog's Mead make a suitable archery range for the Nationals? If so, which event?

If I've got this right then Dog's Mead would fit the clout range along it's length with about 20m to spare.

:)

I'm saving up for a 30-40lb longbow specifically for clout, and hope to give it a go next year.

[Flehrad]

http://gxpmall.bizland.com/donotdisturb.jpg

[shooting_star]

asldfjamgbasjdfh;waueortj d;fhoasyfbga;csfj":SOeu'PESI HT;VAKJGnrig'jP YTOI n o;igtI GIPERUBij' vyby'ver't poUREWT;OERB'TYPmi'pi uybsery'aoe i'TPIJ 'SPORYUA B'4O3it bapy)'ear;yj IU bgtpWBt O ub ieHo GI'EPRNA BUOT EPUIO RO P08236 5T OVFMAPORWUG;TO8I4H5;T 8O;I 4'[2 = UNTI V3GNBD VUYGH'PJFD GHSAIDRGFLODFJS aIKWE;OI ye .a/gaertk.l ahrklu gtha/sm/ga hasldfjamgbasjdfh;waueortj d;fhoasyfbga;csfj":SOeu'PESI HT;VAKJGnrig'jP YTOI n o;igtI GIPERUBij' vyby'ver't poUREWT;OERB'TYPmi'pi uybsery'aoe i'TPIJ 'SPORYUA B'4O3it bapy)'ear;yj IU bgtpWBt O ub ieHo GI'EPRNA BUOT EPUIO RO P08236 5T OVFMAPORWUG;TO8I4H5;T 8O;I 4'[2 = UNTI V3GNBD VUYGH'PJFD GHSAIDRGFLODFJS aIKWE;OI ye .a/gaertk.l ahrklu gtha/sm/ga hasldfjamgbasjdfh;waueortj d;fhoasyfbga;csfj":SOeu'PESI HT;VAKJGnrig'jP YTOI n o;igtI GIPERUBij' vyby'ver't poUREWT;OERB'TYPmi'pi uybsery'aoe i'TPIJ 'SPORYUA B'4O3it bapy)'ear;yj IU bgtpWBt O ub ieHo GI'EPRNA BUOT EPUIO RO P08236 5T OVFMAPORWUG;TO8I4H5;T 8O;I 4'[2 = UNTI V3GNBD VUYGH'PJFD GHSAIDRGFLODFJS aIKWE;OI ye .a/gaertk.l ahrklu gtha/sm/ga hasldfjamgbasjdfh;waueortj d;fhoasyfbga;csfj":SOeu'PESI HT;VAKJGnrig'jP YTOI n o;igtI GIPERUBij' vyby'ver't poUREWT;OERB'TYPmi'pi uybsery'aoe i'TPIJ 'SPORYUA B'4O3it bapy)'ear;yj IU bgtpWBt O ub ieHo GI'EPRNA BUOT EPUIO RO P08236 5T OVFMAPORWUG;TO8I4H5;T 8O;I 4'[2 = UNTI V3GNBD VUYGH'PJFD GHSAIDRGFLODFJS aIKWE;OI ye .a/gaertk.l ahrklu gtha/sm/ga hasldfjamgbasjdfh;waueortj d;fhoasyfbga;csfj":SOeu'PESI HT;VAKJGnrig'jP YTOI n o;igtI GIPERUBij' vyby'ver't poUREWT;OERB'TYPmi'pi uybsery'aoe i'TPIJ 'SPORYUA B'4O3it bapy)'ear;yj IU bgtpWBt O ub ieHo GI'EPRNA BUOT EPUIO RO P08236 5T OVFMAPORWUG;TO8I4H5;T 8O;I 4'[2 = UNTI V3GNBD VUYGH'PJFD GHSAIDRGFLODFJS aIKWE;OI ye .a/gaertk.l ahrklu gtha/sm/ga hasldfjamgbasjdfh;waueortj d;fhoasyfbga;csfj":SOeu'PESI HT;VAKJGnrig'jP YTOI n o;igtI GIPERUBij' vyby'ver't poUREWT;OERB'TYPmi'pi uybsery'aoe i'TPIJ 'SPORYUA B'4O3it bapy)'ear;yj IU bgtpWBt O ub ieHo GI'EPRNA BUOT EPUIO RO P08236 5T OVFMAPORWUG;TO8I4H5;T 8O;I 4'[2 = UNTI V3GNBD VUYGH'PJFD GHSAIDRGFLODFJS aIKWE;OI ye .a/gaertk.l ahrklu gtha/sm/ga hasldfjamgbasjdfh;waueortj d;fhoasyfbga;csfj":SOeu'PESI HT;VAKJGnrig'jP YTOI n o;igtI GIPERUBij' vyby'ver't poUREWT;OERB'TYPmi'pi uybsery'aoe i'TPIJ 'SPORYUA B'4O3it bapy)'ear;yj IU bgtpWBt O ub ieHo GI'EPRNA BUOT EPUIO RO P08236 5T OVFMAPORWUG;TO8I4H5;T 8O;I 4'[2 = UNTI V3GNBD VUYGH'PJFD GHSAIDRGFLODFJS aIKWE;OI ye .a/gaertk.l ahrklu gtha/sm/ga hasldfjamgbasjdfh;waueortj d;fhoasyfbga;csfj":SOeu'PESI HT;VAKJGnrig'jP YTOI n o;igtI GIPERUBij' vyby'ver't poUREWT;OERB'TYPmi'pi uybsery'aoe i'TPIJ 'SPORYUA B'4O3it bapy)'ear;yj IU bgtpWBt O ub ieHo GI'EPRNA BUOT EPUIO RO P08236 5T OVFMAPORWUG;TO8I4H5;T 8O;I 4'[2 = UNTI V3GNBD VUYGH'PJFD GHSAIDRGFLODFJS aIKWE;OI ye .a/gaertk.l ahrklu gtha/sm/ga hasldfjamgbasjdfh;waueortj d;fhoasyfbga;csfj":SOeu'PESI HT;VAKJGnrig'jP YTOI n o;igtI GIPERUBij' vyby'ver't poUREWT;OERB'TYPmi'pi uybsery'aoe i'TPIJ 'SPORYUA B'4O3it bapy)'ear;yj IU bgtpWBt O ub ieHo GI'EPRNA BUOT EPUIO RO P08236 5T OVFMAPORWUG;TO8I4H5;T 8O;I 4'[2 = UNTI V3GNBD VUYGH'PJFD GHSAIDRGFLODFJS aIKWE;OI ye .a/gaertk.l ahrklu gtha/sm/ga h

[shooting_star]

>>>smrz :angel: :wink: :D

[Shirt]

Most sensible thing you've posted yet.

:P :P :P :wink:

[grantwomack]

What the...... ?

[shooting_star]

well i am a very sensible person *cough cough* :wink:

[NormB]

21 minutes is the fastest time forme... is there a betta solution?

[DrRalph]

21 for me too. 3 + 2 + 10 + 3 +3.
R

[Mike13]

clever, you guys - well done

[mbomike]

Yep...I can only get it as low as 21 mins :roll:
Unless I can ditch the fat Rev Bob, then I can get it down to 10 mins :wink:

[unclepete]

I did it again - got 21 this time.

[shooting_star]

:wink:

[shooting_star]

:lol:

[Mike13]

Are you a complete moron or does it just appear that way?

[shooting_star]

:fist:

[shooting_star]

hehe :lol:

[shooting_star]

:x

[shooting_star]

im trying to get the numba of my things up to 200

[shooting_star]

ldkshg;al

[shooting_star]

and i like the playboy bunny sign...hehe :lol: :wink:

[Clare Barnes]

Where are Marcus or CMB50 when they are needed?

[shooting_star]

:roll: :fadein: :wink:

[shooting_star]

fine! i'll stop, u spoil all the fun! jokes :wink:

[Shirt]

Well... not really.

If this board is anything like other ones, you can adjust the number of posts that people have. From a lot to zero, for example...Oh dear, did I just give Marcus an idea?



*Looks at post count, now reading very little* Dammit!

:lol:

[Milkovitsch]

Cocktail lounge, Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At the Budapest Zoo :
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD,
GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES

Hotel, Acapulco :
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan
COOLES AND HEATES : IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR
ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF

Car rental brochure, Tokyo :
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN TROMPET
HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE
THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan :
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT

In a Nairobi restaurant :
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school :
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

On a highway, Canada:
TAKE NOTICE : WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS
IMPASSABLE

On a poster at Kencom :
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant :
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

On a mental institution building :
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer :
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS

In a maternity ward :
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED

In a cemetery :
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWE RS FROM ANY BUT THEIR

OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations :
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING
BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant :
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar :
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok temple :
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED
AS A MAN.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand :
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

Hotel brochure, Italy :
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT,
CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest :
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE
REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Hotel elevator, Paris :
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery :
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND
SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT
THURSDAY.

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria :
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE
BOOTS OF ASCENSION.

Supermarket, Hong Kong :
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT
SELF-SERVICE

From the "Soviet Weekly" :
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET
REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE

PAST TWO YEARS.

In an East African newspaper :
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE
CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

Hotel, Vienna :
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT
PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE

TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER

FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE
SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR
THIS PURPOSE.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist :
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING
A GOOD TIME.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia :
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO
MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong :
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

In a Swiss mountain inn :
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room :
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT

[Milkovitsch]

;DTwist of Life

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her
place for a nightcap ....... and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful,
wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the
trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every
guy you
meet?"

"No," she replies........."


Wait for it... (scroll down)






It's coming...






The suspense is killing you, isn't it?








She says: "You just happened to catch my eye."

[Kuru]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all
your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was
instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.

[CMB50]

Where are Marcus or CMB50 when they are needed?

Keep the noise down, I'm trying to sleep.

[Milkovitsch]

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said,
"He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said,
"That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
"This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,
"That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said,

"Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

[shooting_star]

i luv ur signature Milkovitsch :wink:

[unclepete]

Two cheerleading teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes charter a double-decker bus for a weekend cheerleading competition in Brisbane. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realised she hasn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead At the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and whispered, "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER."

[beetle]

http://tinyurl.com/6e2yn

[Jason]

OMG sum ppl will try to sell anythin, the funny part is that sum ppl are will to pay $10 for 1 potato chip!!!

[grantwomack]

Looking at the questions for that potato chip, it makes reference to another item that sold for a phenomenal amount. Made me laugh so damn hard!
http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2288274647

[abaggs]

LOL, yeah, it was on the news as one of their 10 second stories.

[Jason]

Lol, how can sim1 justify buying a peice of nutra grain at the price, its just stupid!

[abaggs]

I'm sure I could find a justification for selling it at that price :lol:

[mbomike]

I've got a friend who is selling a black BMW 325i with alloy wheels &
leather interior,it has only done 21250 klms. Engine in A1 condition,170
bhp.

As new, except for a dent in the roof caused by a soccer ball (bloody
kids!!!!)

Priced for a quick sale at $2000.

See attached photo.

If interested let me know asap.




































http://members.optusnet.com.au/~lazelec/mypic69.jpg

[abaggs]

:rofl:


SOLD!



I'll bolt the engine 'n' gearbox into my 323 :)

[Milkovitsch]

Hey here's an idea!.......find a nutrigrain that resembles ET.....get a few friends to bid for it, pretend to buy it for $ 1000.
Then we'll call A Current affair, sell them the story for $ 3000 (or more). There's enough people out there who believe what they seen on TV, it will make a good story.

The genious is in the idea.

(Do you REALLY believe someone would pay so much for a nutrigrain?) The sad part is that many would; otherwise no audience for the tabloids...mmm. :-?

[enseth]

What I can't believe is that it costs $5.00 to post one nutrigrain to anywhere in Australia! I'm sure I could do it for 50c.

$5.00, what a rip off!

[toxic_rabbit]

http://www.myblam.com/funny54.htm

nice one :D

[Foxcub]

that is funny

[Phelan]

thats an old one....still funny though....

i wonder if you would get away with that here. :-?

[stars_shine]

wow, i actually get it!
it's funny! :)

[CMB50]

1,300 posts in this thread.

Cool 8)

[chopper]

You reallly started something this time Cam

[Clare Barnes]

Not sure it I should post this but what the heck..... :roll:

One day David was rummaging through the collection of old photos in the attic, when he came across one that he hadn't seen in years. It was an old faded picture of his school chum, Eddie White. They'd run together for most of their growing years, but the school system sent them to different Senior schools, and that was the last they'd ever seen of each other. David wondered how Eddie was doing, and for the days and weeks that followed he just couldn't get Eddie outof his thoughts.

He explained the waves of nostalgia that kept rolling over him to his neighbour one day, and his neighbour suggested that he take the time to look Eddie up. It took him months and months of careful research, but finally he traced him to a cotton mill in Manchester. His parents had moved to Manchester shortly after David and Eddie had started Senior school, and that was why they'd never seen each other all these years.

Eddie had done well for himself. David learned that he had worked his way up to chief cotton buyer for the mill, and so with great anticipation David boarded the train to Manchester. The following day, he went into the reception area of the mill and asked the receptionist to inform Eddie that an old pal was waiting downstairs to see him. The receptionist simply smiled, and David's heart sank as she informed him that Mr White had gone abroad to buy cotton for the mill, and he wouldn't be back for at least four weeks. It was a tremendous disappointment, but David said that he'd try again in four weeks.

And that was how it went on and on. Every time David went to the mill to see Eddie, he was informed that he'd just left to buy cotton for the mill. But one day, the receptionist took pity on him, and said to David, "Look, I've just spoken to Mr White's secretary, and she assures me that he is very eager to meet you again after all these years, and that he'll definitely be in his office on the 18th of next month to see you. And he made that a very firm promise. He'll not go anywhere that day to buy cotton!"

So David had this assurance, the weeks went by, the 18th came along. On that morning, David walked into the reception area with a spring in his step, when suddenly the receptionist's face told him that he'd be disappointed yet again. "But this is dreadful," moaned David, "please don't tell me that he's gone off to buy more cotton. Every time, it's the same old thing. 'Mr White isn't here right now. He's in Egypt buying cotton!'" "Er, no," said the receptionist. "It's worse than that. You see, Mr White dropped dead in the car park the other day." "What?" cried David, "My friend Eddie, dead? I don't believe what I'm hearing!" "I know how you must be feeling," sympathised the receptionist, "but perhaps you'd like to see the monument that the company set up over hisgrave. It's just across the road in that cemetery."

So David sadly dragged his tired feet over to the cemetery, and walked up to the huge black marble monument that was erected over Eddie's grave,and through his tears David began to read the magnificent gold lettering carved on the front of the monument:

















"Here lies Eddie White.....









.... Gone, but not for cotton."

[grantwomack]

I can't believe I invested the time to read that all the way through. :roll:

[Phelan]

ohh come on thats not funny...just lame

[CMB50]

:rofl:

thats great!!

[beetle]

Virgin Mary cheese then ET's head...it gets worse, with even a few more ET's..

I especially liked Mark Lathams head and the cheesy Spongebob. Sigh...

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=1469&item=5541894621&rd=1

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=1469&item=5542022458&rd=1

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=1469&item=5542045215&rd=1

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=1469&item=5542091835&rd=1

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=1469&item=5542147151&rd=1

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=1469&item=5542125950&rd=1

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=1469&item=5542124286&rd=1

[toxic_rabbit]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair in all different colors: Green, Red, Orange, Blue, and Yellow.
The old man just stared and stared.
Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.
Finally the young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?

"Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was wondering if you were my son."

[unclepete]

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

[katzgrin]

A young crocodile living at the mouth of a river hadn't had anything to eat for some time. He decided to go up river to find out why food had stopped coming his way. Some distance up the river he found a very well fed old-man croc sunning himself on the river bank.

He approched the old croc and asked him if the hunting was any good and did he mind if he hunted in the area. Crocodiles are very territorial. The old man said "Of course you can young fella. There's plenty of tucker here. Wallabies, buffalo, the odd old dog or two and humans. Good tucker them humans."

While the old croc was talking the young croc noticed another another crocodile in even worse condition than he was. He mentioned the other croc to the old man.

"Young fella" said the old croc "I see you have style you know how to look like a log, move in slowly and quietly and wait for the right moment. You'll get plenty of food - even humans, good tucker them humans." " That other bloke has no style. He charges in, thrashing the water, jaws wide open and frightens everything away. All he ever gets is sh** and sandshoes."

[Clare Barnes]

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!

ALL ARE WELCOME - OPEN TO MEN ONLY

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming
Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

[b]REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU

[Reece]

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=1469&item=5542400812&rd=1

definitely not a tiny teddie...

[unclepete]

Am I brave enough........NO!

Am I stupid enough........YES!







Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: "Poor me syndrome" Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
26. The Toilet : You can learn to leave the seat up

[OldDog]

27. you will learn to refrain from asking....where did you lose it
If we knew that it wouldnt be lost.

28. 467 pair of shoes is sufficient, you might have 2 heads but only one pair of feet.

29. They are your kids. deal with it.

30. dont whine about blunt knives, every time we sharpen them you cut yourself.

31. Plastic shopping bags that weigh a small car are actually good for deportment. The oil in the plastic is good for your hands, and if you are as clever as you say, you can open doors with your teeth.

[CMB50]

My new car....



http://www.archery-forum.com/uploads/rs005%20(2).jpg

[OldDog]

That is too funny. :D

[Axilla]

You live in QLD now, Cam?

[Clare Barnes]

Thanks to all my "friends" who sent me such important emails in 2004!

It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform!

Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from you that it's good for removing toilet stains.

I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with a disease. I smell awful, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant because you said it causes cancer.

I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, because you said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.

I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill with calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.

I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.

When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody - you said that someone will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

However, the police are also after me at present because you said not to pull over as they could be fake policemen trying to kidnap me.

I went bankrupt from bounced cheques that I wrote, in anticipation of the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program.

It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse.

OOPS I ALMOST FORGOT, IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next ten seconds, a bird will crap on you tonight at 7:00 PM.

[wiggles]

SON SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?




DAD SAYS:
Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway! Mom and
Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail
with your mom and we met at a cybercafe. We sneaked into a secluded
room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon
as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us
had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later the blessed little virus appeared.
And that's the story.

[wiggles]

[/img]

[wiggles]

Top 17 Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See
>
>Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.
>
>
>
>Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"
>
>
>
>The proctologist called
>...they found your head.
>
>
>
>Everyone has a photographic memory
>...some just don't have any film.
>
>
>
>Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
>
>
>
>Your ridiculous little
>opinion has been noted.
>
>
>
>I used to have a handle
>on life...but it broke off.
>
>
>
>WANTED: Meaningful
>overnight relationship.
>
>
>
>Guys...just because you have one,
>doesn't mean you have to be one.
>
>
>
>Some people just don't know how to drive...
>I call these people "Everybody But Me,"
>
>
>
>Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
>
>
>
>Don't like my driving?
>Then quit watching me.
>
>
>
>If you can read this...I can
>slam on my brakes and sue you.
>
>
>
>Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
>
>
>
>Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out
>by itself.
>
>
>
>Hang up and drive!!

[Clare Barnes]

What your computer gets up to when left alone to play....you need sound for the best effect.

http://www.rio.com.br/animation/iconstory.htm

[unclepete]

Rule No. 1 - Don't annoy Diablo :)

[Gone]

http://www.users.on.net/~tooly/chris.jpg

[toxic_rabbit]

what we will all be doing

http://www.toxicrabbit.com/images/codehtml.jpeg


....

sooon :wink:

[shooting_star]

Hi everyone!!!! how has everyones day been??

[Mike13]

Go post this crap in the Junior Forum.

[Foxcub]

we dont want that stuff in the j part of the forum Mike13 u keep it

[The One]

Go post this crap in the Junior Forum.

Yeah, jees, you're trying to hijack a deadly serious thread!

[Foxcub]

:wink:

[Owen]

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/santasling.html

335.6

[unclepete]

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/santasling.html

335.6

This one will waste some time :)

Best I could do (once I figured out how it worked) was 251.2

[The One]

341.9

[Eolla]

Um, how did you get it to work? Santa either flops out of the catapult or they all fall down the gap

[The One]

click once to start the elves rolling, and click and hold to draw back the catapult, then release to fire

[Phelan]

303.6

[robbo]

289.6

[robbo]

323.6 :D

[robbo]

329.1

[robbo]

332.1

[robbo]

341.9 :D

[robbo]

348.3

[Aarleks]

350.4 :D

[Aarleks]

Damn... can't get past 350.4 done it six times now.

[Antoine]

Damn 334.3.. do you guys go past Rudolf ?

[Aarleks]

Nope...

[Kuru]

I would rather get no distance and throw him straight down the crack :D

[Marcus]

THIS IS THE 30,000th view of this thread!!!!

[OldDog]

Well so much for this being an archery forum.
Maybe we should call it a joke forum with archery on the side. :o :D

[Eolla]

350.5 just wont go further.

[Antoine]

350.5 just wont go further.

har :P probably said that at a previous score too :-)

362.8 !! (nope just kidding)

[robbo]

350.4 just wont go any further, that's about 10 times now. :-?

[robbo]

I reckon Santa needs to go on a diet, still wont go past 350.4.

[chopper]

350.4 for me too,
I think that's the limit :o

[abaggs]

yep 350.4 and i can't get any higher.

now if that catapult had cams 8)

friggin annoying sound on it though :fist:

This thread is really good at wasting my time :P

[unclepete]

This thread is really good at wasting my time :P

Told ya :lol:

[Milkovitsch]

How?
The best I can do is 316.3 - look at that fat f_ _ _ _r fly!

[OldDog]

345.9 for one shot then couldnt get within 15 metres of it again. :roll:

[robbo]

350.4 a few more times. :roll:

If those bloody elves could run a bit faster.......

[2Dogs]

A blonde tries to go horseback riding even though she has had no lessons

or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse

immediately springs into action. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic

pace, but the blonde begins to lose her grip and starts to slide in the

saddle. In terror, she grabs for the mane but can't seem to get a firm

grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides

down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly

impervious to it's slipping rider. Unfortunately, the Blondes foot has

become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the hooves

as her head is struck against the ground over and over again. As her

head is battered against the ground she is moments away from losing

consciousness when, to her great fortune, the Woolworth's Manager sees

her and unplugs the horse


:D

[buzz]

The Redneck Love Poem

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
You spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day
From the cooler at Kroger. That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
More useful than diamonds......IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

[wiggles]

The following is supposedly an actual question on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so

[wiggles]

Try this
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/frogleap.html

[The One]

Finally got it!

[Milkovitsch]

Yeeeaaaaa.....got it. But can I do it again??????

[chopper]

4th go :D

[mbomike]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the
husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to
the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The
husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service
and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband
puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a
second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" She asks. The husband says,
"I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get
something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down
the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to
the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole!"

[Jason]

left click your mouse to set the penguin off,

then left click to swing the club.....

http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf


best i got was 316.3

[Notquiterhood]

8 hit and 316.3 is the best I have been able to get. Is this the max distance????????????????????????????????

MIck 8)

[Notquiterhood]

317.1

[Notquiterhood]

320.5

[robbo]

320.5 :D

[robbo]

323.4 :D

[robbo]

207.6 on the full.

[Eolla]

323.5 skidding
207.3 on the full

[Rednock]

322.9 skidding
207.6 head in the snow
and this one is not easy, 57.5 shortest hit

[Foxcub]

207,4 on full

and 322.9 on bans

65.5 losist

[Foxcub]

64.1 yes

[goldeverytime]

325 yesssssssssss :D :D :D :D :D :D

[robbo]

82.8 the shortest :-?

[robbo]

69.3

[The One]

I can get 0.000 pretty easily :lol:

[katzgrin]

It is the middle of July and Santa Claus is on holidays. He is enjoying a peaceful walk in a pine forest somewhere in northern Europe. Christmas is the furthest thing from his mind. Suddenly he hears someone calling his name, a fairy in a great state of excitement.

"Santa, Santa, I'm so glad I found you! Come and see what I have found". Reluctantly he follows the fairy to a clearing in the forest. In the middle of the clearing is a small, but perfectly proportioned christmas tree.

"Santa, Santa" says the fairy "Isn't it beautiful? Isn't it perfect? What should I do with it?"




And that is why to this day you find fairies at the top of christmas trees.

Bah humbug to all!

[unclepete]

It is the middle of July and Santa Claus is on holidays. He is enjoying a peaceful walk in a pine forest somewhere in northern Europe. Christmas is the furthest thing from his mind. Suddenly he hears someone calling his name, a fairy in a great state of excitement.

"Santa, Santa, I'm so glad I found you! Come and see what I have found". Reluctantly he follows the fairy to a clearing in the forest. In the middle of the clearing is a small, but perfectly proportioned christmas tree.

"Santa, Santa" says the fairy "Isn't it beautiful? Isn't it perfect? What should I do with it?"




And that is why to this day you find fairies at the top of christmas trees.

Bah humbug to all!

And her name was Nuff.

Which is fair enough, I say :)

[unclepete]

I'm sure I've posted this before, but it's most appropriate at this time of year :)


Good King Wenceslas phoned Pizza Hut with his order.

Asked the attendant: "Is that the usual, Your Majesty ?"

"Yes," replied the King, "deep pan, crisp and even."

[unclepete]

Maybe I should put the cork back in the bottle, but this just cracked me up.

http://www.menwholooklikekennyrogers.com/

It's a real link - honest :)

[unclepete]

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them all off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

"Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."
--Unknown, presumed deceased.

[unclepete]

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

[Milkovitsch]

These last few lack your usual spark, Pete. :wink:


.

[unclepete]

These last few lack your usual spark, Pete. :wink:
.

Damn, That's the trouble with supplying quality - you can't go back :)

[Milkovitsch]

This one is also a little lame, but I did not wish to make you look bad by posting something better.

ORDERING PIZZA IN 2008

Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID

number?

Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.

Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.

Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
6102049998-45-54610.

Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland
Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at
Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Email
address is sheehan@home.net <mailto:sheehan@home.net> . Which number
are you calling from sir?

Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you get all this information?

Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.

Customer: The HSS, what is that?

Operator: We're wired into the Home land Security System, sir. This
will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.

Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat

Special pizzas.

Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.

Customer: Whaddya mean?

Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that
you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol.
Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice

Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll
like it.

Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your
local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.

Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then...

Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids.

Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.

Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.
Your credit card balance is over its limit.

Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your
driver gets here.

Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is
overdrawn also.

Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready.
How long will it take?

Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45
minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while
you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle
can be a little awkward.

Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?

Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your

car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you jus t filled the
tank yesterday.

Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#

Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a

July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see
here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge
Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the
State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return
to society?

Customer: (speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?

Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us
from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits
this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.

[buzz]

The Night Before (an American) Redneck Christmas

It was the night before Christmas, and all through the trailer park,
not a pop-top was poppin', not even Ole Blue barked.
Our stockin's was hung over the space heater with care,
in the hopes that Santy would fill 'em with Viennas and beer.
The kids was asleep in their NASCAR pj's,
Dreamin' of Goo Goo Clusters, Moon Pies, and Milkyway's.
And Earlene in her curlers and me in my Earnhardt cap,
had just settled into our La-Z-Boys for Wheel of Fortune and a nap.
Then out in the vacant lot I heart such a commotion,
I thought it was neighbor Clyde, finally got his T'bird in motion.
I heaved out of my recliner and to the window I flew,
Busted out the screen and hollered to Ole Blue.
The moon was shinin down on my old wrecked cars,
so bright they was sparklin' like rusty old stars.
And I couldn't believe by own hardworkin' eyes,
when a jacked-up Chevy pickup come flyin' through the sky!
Faster'n Ole Ironhead his possums they came,
and he whooped and hollered and called 'em by name:
"Git up Sooner! Hi Duke! Move yer tails Yaller and Spud!
On Blackie! On Queenie! You mind me Duchess and Bud!"
"To the top of the satellite dish! To the top of the shed!
Now move it n' Step on it! Ya'll get out the lead!"
You know how on our old road whenev'r a car goes by,
there's all this dirt that flys up into the sky?
That's how this crew went straight on up to my roof,
with that pickup full of toys, a real nice gun rack, and Redneck Santa too.
Then 'fore I could pop my teeth in I heard up on the tin,
the scrabbling around of them flying possums of his'n.
I yanked my head back in the trailer and hitched up my shorts,
Down the dryer vent Redneck Santa came with a grunt and a snort!
He was dressed in red-and-green camo from his neck to his feet,
and I had to give him credit he still had most of his teeth.
Looked like stuff from Earlene's yard sale slung on his back,
There was flyswatters an' Tupperware, an' 8-tracks stickin' out of his pack.
When he winked his eye I knew fer sure he'd treat us right,
why, he just might even leave me some ammo tonight!
I stood there dreamin' of a whitetail while I watched him work,
then he stopped and like a real man, let out a fart and a burp.
He topped off our stockin's with Moon Pies and bottle rockets,
then squoze up that dryer vent like Spam in your pocket.
He jumped in his pickup, laid down on the horn,
And I'm not lyin', they took off with their possum tails flyin'.
But I heerd him holler as he headed for the 7-11,
"Merry Christmas to all! And may all rednecks get into heav'n!"

[unclepete]

Good one :) I'll add that to the collection, thanks :wink:

[unclepete]

Here's an interesting take on tradition (US$)


The high price of tradition

The price of giving all the items bestowed by the "true love" of the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas" may be a little beyond most people's budget. The following costs were calculated for 1997, based upon a report issued in 1994 by PNC Bank Corp., assuming an annual rate of inflation of 2.5 percent:

(1) Partridge in a pear tree $38
(2) Turtle doves 54
(3) French hens 16
(4) Calling birds 302
(5) Gold rings 485
(6) Geese-a-laying 162
(7) Swans-a-swimming 7,538
(8) Maids-a-milking 37
(9) Pipers piping 2,807
(10) Ladies dancing 3,245
(11) Lords-a-leaping 1,194
(12) Drummers drumming 1,293

Total to give gifts once: $17,170
Total to give as in song*: $78,986

* Singing the song in its entirety results in 364 presents: The partridge is given 12 times, two doves 11 times (22 total), etc...

[Antoine]

two frogs are crossing a road.
first frog: "watch out the truck !!!"-sproch-
other frog: "The what?" -sproch- :lol:

[Marcus]

What was this last post in AT's Bowhunting section about? I don't think I want to know. :o

http://www.dva.asn.au/af/bigred.gif

[Flame]

:o
Ouch! :D

[Marcus]

http://www.dva.asn.au/af/wildthing.jpg
POssibly this is the strap on that Big Red is referring to? The new 'Wild Thing' stabilizer from Bowtech.

[2Dogs]

Comes with 6 D- Cells :D

[CMB50]

How do you know? Do you own 3 of them already?? :o

[Milkovitsch]

A Young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Florida. She wanted to
take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way.... but was
very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking for
the highly prized shoes.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just
go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a
decent price!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, ya'll just go
and give it a try, why don'cha!"

The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps,
determined to catch herself an alligator. Later in the day, as the shop-
keeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he
spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky swamp
water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With
lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and, with a great deal of
effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more
of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed
silence. Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the gator on its back.
Then, rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration,
she shouts out, "Damn, this one is barefoot, too!"

[2Dogs]

How do you know? Do you own 3 of them already??

Nah bought em from Urban Archery :wink: .....2nd hand section

[mike]

http://www.dva.asn.au/af/wildthing.jpg
POssibly this is the strap on that Big Red is referring to? The new 'Wild Thing' stabilizer from Bowtech.

That has to be one of the most disturbing pieces of archery equipment I have seen!! And so unbelievably innappropriately named!! :o

[unclepete]

1805 THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR - 'Kiss Me Hardy'
The Real Story (as told by Tony Blair)

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye Sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry, Sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, Sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry, Sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, Sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed down the crow's nest, Sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a Wheelchair Access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair Access?" I've never heard anything so absurd.

Hardy: "Health and safety again, Sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled."

Nelson: "Differently-abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, Sir, you did without realising it. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, Sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that, Sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, Sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, Sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's Diversity Co-ordinator hear you saying that Sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary charge."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, Sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: "As I explained, Sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a complete ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "That Sir... is to be encouraged."

Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy."

[Clare Barnes]

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.

Lets not mention the extreme risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. NO CELL PHONES!!!!!

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.

We had friends!

We went outside and found them.

We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.

Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

People under 30 are WIMPS! :D

[lewkowski]

People under 30 are WIMPS! :D

Phew, just made it! Officially not a wimp 8)

[Phelan]

[
People under 30 are WIMPS! :D


actually i'm under 30 (not by much) and i can remeber all that.....maybe my parents were just old fashioned?

[mike]

[
People under 30 are WIMPS! :D


actually i'm under 30 (not by much) and i can remeber all that.....maybe my parents were just old fashioned?

I'm a few years off and I grew up like that too. Well at least for the first like 10 years. Then I got banned from a school camp cos I had asthma. That was in about 1988 -- that must have been the end of the "Good Old Days".

[Milkovitsch]

Here are the best quotes from the rich, humorous and famous.


"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good
partner, you'd better have a good hand."

Woody Allen


"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night."

Rodney Dangerfield


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
380SL."

Lynn Lavner


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is an Alfa Romeo" .

Milkovitsch (Couldn't help myself)


"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

Camille Paglia


"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight
are unimportant."
George Burns


"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole
relationship."

Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black
men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods



My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b***h."

Jack Nicholson



"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had
a sense of humour)


"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams


"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

Billy Crystal

[katzgrin]

http://www.dva.asn.au/af/wildthing.jpg
POssibly this is the strap on that Big Red is referring to? The new 'Wild Thing' stabilizer from Bowtech.

That has to be one of the most disturbing pieces of archery equipment I have seen!! And so unbelievably innappropriately named!! :o
What are those short curly things? :o

[wareagle]

http://www.dva.asn.au/af/wildthing.jpg
POssibly this is the strap on that Big Red is referring to? The new 'Wild Thing' stabilizer from Bowtech.

That has to be one of the most disturbing pieces of archery equipment I have seen!! And so unbelievably innappropriately named!! :o
What are those short curly things? :oTicklers :D If I bought one of those for my bow,my wife would kill me . :D She says my bows come before her. :D :D

[Clare Barnes]

For those with time to ponder...

Now we all have noted that there is no such thing as a tidal wave, only tsunamis, and that in the middle of an ocean they are not much more than a swell of a few meters at the most....can you see why many in the scientific community have renamed the well known move "The Poseidon Invention"?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also to pass the time type elgooG into Google, and follow the first link.

Then perhaps type yrehcra into the seach box and click hcraeS (search)...

Nothing like mirror image search results to slow down your reading speed! :D:D The actual sites are reflected the right way though. From what I read it has been used well in China (by those with Roman alphabet keyboards) where many sites are blocked as the software the government uses doesn't recognise such things as "swen CBB" as a banned site.

[unclepete]

:rofl:

Very cool! 8)

[the microwave kid]

very very funny :lol:

[Milkovitsch]

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step.

So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step.

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her disgust she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!"

At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[Milkovitsch]

New terms for the dictionary; these have been achieved by changing/ adding just one letter from each word:-


1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in
the fruit you're eating.

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

[Milkovitsch]

Concentration test for men (and women, if you're that way inclined). I thought it was funny, please don't label me for this..........

http://www.ibogleif.dk/uk/index.html



I understand if this post is removed, who knows the limits to good taste these days?


.

[robbo]

That's not a fair test. :-?

It took me 7 times to find the ball :D

[Clare Barnes]

I can't be "that way inclined"! I did the test 8 times and got it correct every time and gave up because it was boring. It seemed to start with the ball being under the right pot, then the left, and just alternate between those two....no idea what was so hard about it? :D :roll:

[robbo]

Hold a sheet of paper up just under the cups, works. :D

[katzgrin]

[quote="Clare Barnes"]I can't be "that way inclined"! I did the test 8 times and got it correct every time and gave up because it was boring. /quote]......... or exceeded your attention span.

[Clare Barnes]

I can't be "that way inclined"! I did the test 8 times and got it correct every time and gave up because it was boring. /quote]......... or exceeded your attention span.

I agree! :P

[OldDog]

Well I actually did the test before i realised there was a diversion. Still bloody failed. :roll:

[Pat Mole]

http://www.badnewsonline.com/images/LOTRse.gif

[robbo]

The link isn't working

[Flame]

Try this Robbo :D

http://www.badnewsonline.com/images/LOTRse.gif

[Pat Mole]

my bad. lol

[unclepete]

Double post

[unclepete]

1. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie

2. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

3. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

4. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960

5. Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."

6. With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm

7. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

8. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

9. The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

10. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
-- Dave Barry

11. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown

12. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James

13. Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway. -- Andrew Tannenbaum

14. We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again---and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. -- Mark Twain

15. There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
-- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

16. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
-- Dave Barry

17. I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls. -- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)

18. When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

19. Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

20. 668: The Neighbor of the Beast

21. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. -- Emo Phillips

22. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

23. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones

24. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
-- Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_

25. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.
-- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney

26. When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" -- Quentin Crisp

27. Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

28. I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am! -- Monty Python

29. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. -- George Carlin

30. Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

31. Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy

32. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant

33. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. -- Ashleigh Brilliant

34. Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.

35. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

36. Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.

37. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
--David Letterman

38. Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

39. For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. -- Johnny Carson

40. I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five. -- Charles Barkley

41. My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.
-- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"

42. The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language. -- D. E. Knuth, 1967

43. A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

44. An Animated Cartoon Theology:
1. People are animals.
2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
3. Life is antagonistic to the living.
4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music.
5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning.
6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum.
7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.
-- E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel"

45. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

46. Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

47. On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

48. The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs. -- E. Grebenik

49. Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides."

50. Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. -- Old Farmer's Almanac

51. G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
-- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4

52. The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. -- Plutarch

53. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
-- Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]

54. The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. -- Salvador Dali

55. What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. -- Sigmund Freud

56. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson

57. Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain

58. "Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog

59. "Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest. " - Mark Twain (1835-1910)

60 "A camel is a horse designed by committee." - Sir Alec Issigonis

[The One]

:rofl: That's a great list!

[unclepete]

:rofl: That's a great list!

One of my sources for sigs :)

[Flehrad]

http://www.teagames.com/games/chuck/play.php

Chuck the rubber man....

My best is 290154 so far

[Reece]

297046

[Pat Mole]

297495

[Aarleks]

338174

:D

[Pat Mole]

347176 :)

[Clare Barnes]

Modern Day Stork Story ...

Little Johnny asks ... Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:

"You've Got Male!"

[Rednock]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected

a half pint of milk
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of Iceberg lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.


As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
Drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,

"You must be single."


The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by his intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"







The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[toxic_rabbit]

348536 :P

[Flehrad]

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.

The American snapped the gum in his mouth and said, "Do you Australian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "yeah, of course".

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."
The American had a smirk on his face, the Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing, the Australian replied "yes."
Cracking his! gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell it to Australia."

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"
The American smiled and said "yeah, of course we do."
The Australian leant closer to him and asked, "what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
We throw them away of course" replied the American.

Now it was the Australian's turn to smile.
We don't. In Australia, we put them in containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to The United States, that's why its called Wrigley's."

[Axilla]

why its called Wrigley's

Pay that one Don :wink: :D

[Axilla]

http://web.aanet.com.au/belos/Images/going_too_fast.jpg

How to tell if you're driving too fast...........

[Flehrad]

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. one member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

[Flehrad]

This is hard....

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/unicyclerider.html

[The One]

20.5 seconds :(

I'm not cut out to ride a unicycle, and I know it!

[Milkovitsch]

34.1

This is really tricky!




.

[Foxcub]

that is to hard for me 9.0

[abaggs]

40.3

[Jason]

39.9

[unclepete]

When I was told about this game - using vacuum cleaner telescopes (aka "wands") to move a steel ball into a hole, I thought it was stupid.

It is, but it's highly addictive and quite tricky at the higher levels.

Hint - If you've ever played "Mars needs Cows" on Palm PDAs, you'll have a rough idea how this works.

http://www.dyson.co.uk/game/playgame.asp

[Clare Barnes]

Hint - If you've ever played "Mars needs Cows" on Palm PDAs, you'll have a rough idea how this works.

OD is still looking for Mars - you mean someone has found it? :D

[Flame]

yep

http://www.users.on.net/wwwsys/Images/Forum/mars.jpg

[OldDog]

Thats an egg yolk you idiot. :o

[robbo]

12.9 secs. :-?

[Clare Barnes]

12.9 secs. :-?

To break an egg? :o :roll:

[unclepete]

Hint - If you've ever played "Mars needs Cows" on Palm PDAs, you'll have a rough idea how this works.

OD is still looking for Mars - you mean someone has found it? :D

If you see Uranus, you're looking in the wrong place 8)

[OldDog]

not that flexible dude. :D

[unclepete]

not that flexible dude. :D

:rofl:

I was going to say something smartarsed about (old)dogs and reaching certain parts of their anatomy, but decided not to - because I could :D

[robbo]

12.9 secs. :-?

To break an egg? :o :roll:

No, too fall off the dam unicycle. :-? I know I spelt that wrong. :P

[OldDog]

not that flexible dude. :D

:rofl:

I was going to say something smartarsed about (old)dogs and reaching certain parts of their anatomy, but decided not to - because I could :D :rofl:

[robbo]

21.5 secs

That game sucks. :-?

[OldDog]

51.5 seconds. tri