Old Light Relief Thread

[robbo]

Interesting.

[abaggs]

:o

[Clare Barnes]

Bill Gate's Rules for Kids

To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice. Bill Gates gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how "feel-good, politically correct" teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair -- get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -- they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

[Jason]

Got too much time on your hands? Waste it away with this flash game :lol:

http://www.leedungarees.com/emulander/

32 104 Level 10

That is 1 weird game

[mbomike]

Love it Clare :wink: :D

[Flehrad]

http://abfhm.free.fr/basket.htm

It's a flash video, and might take a while to load for those not on adsl or higher...

But it's very impressive... and it looks like she hit her head going through the net.... :o

[Jason]

thats so cool, yeh think she did hit the back of her head on the ring, but still very impressive :o

[2Dogs]

Nice bunch of bastards they are!...... too busy pullin themselves to find out if the chick hurt herself.

OUCH! :o

[OldDog]

If the chic is stupid enuff to let them talk her in to doin it I dont think they are pullin themselves. :wink:

[robbo]

She just needed to tuck her chin into her chest a bit more. :D

[Antoine]

She just needed to tuck her chin into her chest a bit more
of course... it's quite simple in fact..
:lol: :D :P

[robbo]

She just needed to tuck her chin into her chest a bit more
of course... it's quite simple in fact..
:lol: :D :P

I watched the diving at the olympics. :D

[Flame]

I watched the archery :D

[robbo]

I saw that too, but there wasn't as much so I couldn't get any tips. :D

[Flame]

So you are taking up diving :o

[robbo]

Yeah just haven't worked out how to get the water back in the pool. :-?

[Milkovitsch]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."



.

[mbomike]

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2004


1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4 .. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5 .. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun... Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.



NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.



Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

[mbomike]

How to hypnotise a man (sexually mistermeaner)

http://mysite.verizon.net/philsackett/temp/hypno.html

[grantwomack]

In Modesto, CA, No surprises there.

located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CAAhh, home bitter home...

[enseth]

Subject: Corporate lessons

Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower,when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Corporate Lesson 2:

A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.


Corporate Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in
the world" Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.


Corporate Lesson 4:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very high up.


Corporate Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top
of the tree
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullsh

[mrlogan]

A radio station was running a compitition on words that are not in the dictionary and can be used in a setence, the prize was a trip to bali.

First caller gave the word GOAN, sure enought it was not in the dictionary, so the announcer said if he could use it in a setence he would win the trip to bali.

His setence was...

Goan and f**k yourself.

Well there were beeps and apologies everywhere and he was cut off.

They continued the competition and had a coulple more that could not use them in setences until one man came up with SMEE.

Sure enough it was not in the dictionary.

Ok said the announce, for a trip to bali can you use it in a sentence.

So he said ............

Its Smee again, GOAN f**k yourself.......

(sorry for the swearing, hope it does not offend as its not meant to).

[abaggs]

lol

[wareagle]

Teacher asks the class, "hands up if you know a word starting with A?"
Little Tommy's puts his hand up.
teacher, "yes Tommy?"
Tommy, "Ar*e"
Teacher," Thats right Tommy ,but its not a very nice word to use, O.K who can say a word starting with B.
Again Tommy's hand flies up.
Teacher,"yes Tommy?"
Tommy,"Bast**d".
Teacher,"Yes your right again Tommy, but still not a very nice word to use,O.K who can say a word starting with .......[the teacher notices Tommy's all poised to put up his hand] er.. D?''
Tommy again is the only one to put up his hand.
Teacher,Yes Tommy?"
Tommy, "dwarf!"
Teacher with a sigh of releif"Your right again Tommy, Now can you tell the class what a dwarf is ?''
Tommy stands up, holds out his arm" A little C...about this high."

[James Park]

http://www.archery-forum.com/uploads/cartoon2.jpg

[Flame]

your secret fantasy for Valentine Day Jim :D

[clash]

Thats just VERY disturbing Jim :D

[James Park]

I heard (on good authority) that Marcus was going to make it the logo for the forum tee shirts.
(It was from "The Australian" newspaper this morning).

[Gone]

Ahh, the Weekend Australian. A firm favourite with the Chardonnay Socialists :D

[TJ Mason]

Try this:
http://web.okaygo.co.uk/apps/letters/flashcom/index3.htm

Takes a few seconds to get going.

[unclepete]

Try this:
http://web.okaygo.co.uk/apps/letters/flashcom/index3.htm

Takes a few seconds to get going.

Interactive fridge magnets :)

Hours of entertainment 8)

[Bia]

Try this:
http://web.okaygo.co.uk/apps/letters/flashcom/index3.htm

Takes a few seconds to get going.

haha loved it!

[Flehrad]

"AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY."
-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND."
-US Marine Corps

"CLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE. THE BOMBS ARE
GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE GROUND."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU."
-Infantry Journal

"A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN
YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S
LEFT OF YOUR UNIT."
-Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"IT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU
JUST BOMBED."
-US. Air Force manual

"TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT; THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW on AMMO."
-Infantry Journal

"TRACERS WORK BOTH WAYS."
-U.S. Army Ordnance

"FIVE-SECOND FUSES onLY LAST THREE SECONDS."
-Infantry Journal

"BRAVERY IS BEING THE onLY onE WHO KNOWS YOU'RE AFRAID."
-David Hackworth

"IF YOUR ATTACK IS GOING TOO WELL, YOU'RE WALKING INTO AN AMBUSH."
-Infantry Journal

"NO COMBAT-READY UNIT HAS EVER PASSED INSPECTION."
-Joe Gay

"ANY SHIP CAN BE A MINESWEEPER....ONCE."
-Anon

"NEVER TELL THE PLATOON SERGEANT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO."
-Unknown Marine Recruit

"DON'T DRAW FIRE; IT IRRITATES THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU."
-Infantry Journal

[The One]

lol

[robbo]

:D

[abaggs]

Top post Don :D

"TRACERS WORK BOTH WAYS."
-U.S. Army Ordnance
is a tracer like a flare?

[Axilla]

Speaking of things military, there's something glaringly wrong with this static display of gunners operating a 25 pound field piece, in the Australian War Museum.



http://web.aanet.com.au/belos/Images/Museum.jpg


Anthony, check this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tracer_bullet for explanation of tracer rounds.

[unclepete]

Speaking of things military, there's something glaringly wrong with this static display of gunners operating a 25 pound field piece, in the Australian War Museum.

OK - I'll bite. What is it :roll:

[Axilla]

Look closely at the guy on the right................... 8)

And what he's holding?

[Phelan]

it looks like he's holding an artilery shell from here...anti armour by the look of it

[Axilla]

A closer look

http://web.aanet.com.au/belos/Images/Projectile.jpg

[The One]

A martini shaker? Ancient egyptian organ flask? :s

[Zoe]

Digital watch??

[The One]

I noticed that, but didn't think he was 'holding' it

[Matti Laakso]

looks like the brick to me - after this is put in the tube the cartrige case with powder bags goes up behind it (number of bags = speed of recoil)
I dunno Ax? - I'm more familiar with the L5 Pack Howitzer, maybe you see something I don't! - pray tell.

[frommy]

Apart from it looking like an AP round, I am b*ggered if I know what you are seeing? :-?

[Clare Barnes]

Is it that he should learn to be careful as he has already lost parts of all fingers on his right hand! :-?

Are they new tyres that didn't exist then? :-?

[unclepete]

Digital watch??

It looks like a wrist watch with a cover - pretty common in the day.

[Rednock]

I'm not sure if it is real or a setup, but it's funny all the same


An operations manager for Jack in the Box was late for a meeting and called his boss to tell him he was running late. As he was leaving the voice mail message, he witnessed an accident and went on to provide "play by play" of the incident. This is the actual voice mail message. It was forwarded so many times within Jack in the Box, it crashed their voice mail server.

http://home.swbell.net/kf5tv/voicemail.mp3

[Pat Mole]

http://www.microsoft.com/athome/security/children/kidtalk.mspx

:roll:

[Flehrad]

Did you know this??

To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka.
The solvent dissolves adhesive.

To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean.
The alcohol in the vodka kills mould and mildew.

To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka.
The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving.
The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.

Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo.
The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziplock freezer bag, and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain, or black eyes..

Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days.
Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

To cure foot odour, wash your feet with vodka.

Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth.
Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.


NEVER DRINK THE STUFF ... IT'LL KILL YOU !!!!

[RealLyons]

Who can say this sentence?
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."



Arriving home very drunk
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"



Newly issued alcohol warnings
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

[Flehrad]

"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn
right 45 degrees for noise abatement."

"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000
feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard
the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"

[Milkovitsch]

Not sure if this has been posted before, here it is anyhow.......


Secretary: - Mr. President, Condoleeza Rice is here to see you.
George B. : - Good, send her in.
Secretary: - Yessir.

(Hangs up. Condi enters.)

Condoleeza: - Good morning, Mr. President.
George B. : - Oh Condoleeza, nice to see you. What's happening?
Condoleeza : - Well, Mr. President, I have the report here about the new leader in China.
George B. : - Great, Condi. Lay it on me.
Condoleeza : - Mr. President, Hu is the new leader of China.
George B. : - Well, that's what I want to know.
Condoleeza : - But that's what I'm telling you, Mr. President.
George B. : - Well, that's what I'm asking you, Condie. Who is the new leader of China?
Condoleeza : - Yes.
George B. : - I mean the fellow's name.
Condoleeza : - Hu.
George B. : - The guy in China.
Condoleeza : - Hu.
George B. : - The new leader of China.
Condoleeza : - Hu.
George B. : - The Chinaman!
Condoleeza : - Hu is leading China, Mr. President.
George B. : - Whaddya' asking me for?
Condoleeza : - I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George B. : - Well, I'm asking you, Condie. Who is leading China?
Condoleeza : - That's the man's name.
George B. : - That's who's name?
Condoleeza : - Yes.

(Pause.)

George B. : - Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condoleeza : - That's correct.
George B. : - Then who is in China?
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - Yassir is in China?
Condoleeza : - No, sir.
George B. : - Then who is?
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - Yassir?
Condoleeza : - No, sir.

(Pause. Crumples paper)

George B. : - Condi, you're starting to piss me off now, and it's not 'cause you're black neither. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. So why don't you get me the Secretary General of the United Nations on the phone.
Condoleeza : - Kofi Annan?
George B. : - No, thanks. And Condi, call me George. Stop with that ebonics crap.
Condoleeza : - You want Kofi?
George B. : - No.
Condoleeza : - You don't want Kofi.
George B. : - No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - Not Yassir! The guy at the United Nations.
Condoleeza : - Kofi?
George B. : - Milk! Will you please make that call?
Condoleeza : - And call who?
George B. : - Well, who is the guy at the U.N?
Condoleeza : - No, Hu is the guy in China.
George B. : - Will you stay out of China?!
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condoleeza : - Kofi.
George B. : - All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condoleeza : - Hello. Rice, here.
George B. : - Rice? Good idea. And get a couple of egg rolls, too, Condi. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get chinese food in the Middle East? I don't know.

[archer4518]

God help us all.

That dickhead has the authorisation to launch the lot :wink:

[The One]

Don't worry, chances are higher than usual with that man, that he will forget the codes ;)

[Clare Barnes]

How To Avoid The Flu

Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
Get plenty of rest.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR

Take the doctor's office approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot, what do they do first?
Clean your arm with alcohol.
Why?
Because alcohol kills germs.

So......

Walk to the liquor store (exercise).
Put lime in your Corona (fruit).
Celery in your Bloody Mary (veggie).
Drink outdoor at the patio bar (fresh air).
Get drunk, tell jokes, laugh (relieve stress).
Then pass out (rest).

So in theory if you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!!!!

Cheers! :D

[katzgrin]

So in theory if you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!!!!

Cheers! :D
:bday: Booze is the answer. What was the question?

[Flehrad]

These are couplets taken from the rhyme zone site where there's this competition for writing the most romantic first line and most unromantic second. Here are a few of the entries...

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you, cause I was pissed .....

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

After you, my love, my only prize
Would be a bullet between my eyes

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you're not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

Every time I see your face
I wish I were in outer space

I saw your face as you walked by
but then I saw a better guy

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If it's true, I'd prefer you inside out.

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

[mbomike]

That is friggen funny :rofl: where is that website?

[Clare Barnes]

An apparently true story.

In 1994 at the annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS, the President Dr Don Harter Mills astounded his audience with legal complications of a bizarre death.

On March 23, 1994 a medical officer examined the body of Ronald Opus. He concluded that Mr Opus had died as a result of a shotgun wound to the head.

Mr Opus had jumped from the top of a ten strory building intending to commit suicide. He had left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

Orinarily a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide. The fact that Mr Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

In the room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast eminated, was occupied by an elderly couple. They were arguing vigorously and the husband was threatening the wife with a shotgun. The husband was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr Opus in the head, on his way down. When one intends to kill a subject

[OldDog]

Isnt murdering yourself called suicide. :o :D

[wareagle]

Isnt murdering yourself called suicide. :o :D
Yes but his suicide attempt was failing,his attempt to murder wasn't :D

[The One]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Focal]

Boy am I proud to be an american. Or maybe really embarassed. Hard to say.
http://media2.big-boys.com/images/bbpics/pic0709.jpg

[toxic_rabbit]

For all you service techs :wink:

http://unix.rulez.org/~calver/pictures/stupid_users/index.html

[Flehrad]

I like it! :lol:
~shakes head at people with computer issues~

[Flehrad]

A college class was told they had to write a short
story in as few words as possible. The short story had
to contain the following three things:

(1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery.

There was only one A+ paper in the entire class. Below is the A+
short story:

Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it.

[unclepete]

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said.

"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand, saying, "To draw out all his savings?"

[robbo]

:lol:

[Flehrad]

Watch this movie... some real interesting driving happening on that corner... :o

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/index.php?e=badcorner.wmv

[Axilla]

Sphincter-clenching stuff if you're one of the drivers :D

[Randall_1611]

The formation of company policy.....Enjoy! Posted on Archery Oudoors

Does this sound familiar at your facility??

Start with a cage containing five monkeys.

Inside the cage, hang banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it.

Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.

Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one.

The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.

After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one.

The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm!

Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then fourth, then the fifth.

Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water.

Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.

Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.

[Axilla]

Flawed logic - the first monkey to attempt the stairs has no deterrent preventing him from reaching the fruit.

[enseth]

Axilla, given your recent performance I don't think you are in the position to talk about logic :)

[Axilla]

Valid point. Put me down as a wet monkey :(

[robbo]

:D

[Clare Barnes]

New Mum and Old Mum

Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: when second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.
3rd child: when third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!

Riding in car:
1st child: Ride in back seat with infant to attend to every whimper.
2nd child: Turn up radio to drown out screaming.
3rd child: Tell them you're taking them to the "kid trade-in center" if they don't stop fighting

[2Dogs]

:rofl: :rofl:

How true is that!!!

you forgot

"Dad what are you doing on the computer?" "I'm putting a photo of you on ebay so I can sell you"

Child runs off screaming to room.......peace for the rest of the night :D

[unclepete]

PREPARATION FOR PARENTHOOD

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local chemist store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it -- it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.

7. Forget the Supra and buy a Ford. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate biscuits. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Weet-bix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the Weet-bix is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "Postman Pat" at work, you finally qualify as a parent

[Reece]

http://www.hamncheez.com/media/pictures/shave_your_beaver.jpg

[Milkovitsch]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him. I don't know what to do here, " says the devil. "You're on my list,but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room: in it was John Howard the Australian Prime Minister and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room and in it was Tony Blair, the British PM, with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" said George.


The devil opened a third door. Inside, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
__ __ __ __


PLEASE no more stuff about children, that's my life you guys are making fun of!

[abaggs]

:rofl:

psyche! :D

[unclepete]

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

[mbomike]

Are you a NSW, QLD or VIC Police Officer?

Question:

How do you tell the difference between a NSW, QLD or VIC Police Officer?

Answer:

Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner,

locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.

You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
------------------------------------------------------
NSW Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or Oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his
hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this
send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound
me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he
was stabbing me?

Should I call 0-0-0?

Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and
weed day and make this a happier, healther street that would discourage such
behavior.

If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, Do I get blamed when he
falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?
If I shoot him, and lose the court case. Does he have the opportunity to
sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home? .

----------------------------------------------------------------------

QUEENSLAND Officer Answer:

BANG!
-------------------------------------------------------------------

VICTORIAN Officer Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click....(sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

[frommy]

Mike,

Living within 25 km of Macquarie Fields, and having clients and club members living in that area as well, and also being aware of many personal injury claims processed by officers of the NSW Police for very real "hurt on duty" injuries, I am afraid that I do not find your post to be funny at all.

Sorry to be a stick-in-the-mud, mate. All State jurisdictions still rely on the common law principle of "reasonable action" in defending an attack, or perceived attack.

I would not have even responded had it not been for the recent serious problems in the Macquarie Fields area.

And I am also reminded of the tragic death of a NSW Police Officer, off-duty, in Ultimo about two years ago, where he tried to defend his friend against attack, and was stabbed for his trouble.

Brian

[Milkovitsch]

In honour of our friend, Klaus-Dietrich Schulz.

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for
short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly,
civil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will
be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but
typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
Expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

> During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no
mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech
ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

[Mark]

-------------------------------------------------------------------

VICTORIAN Officer Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click....(sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

Reminds me of the old Fast Forward sketch -

Victorian Police News Interview -

"The suspect raised his hands and said I surrender.......................at which point we returned fire fatally wounding..........."

:D

[mbomike]

Frommy....I respect your opinion, you are allowed that. As am I :wink:
It was a joke that was sent to myself, and I found it humerous enough to place here on the forum. The context has nothing to do with the recent upheavill down south (or your next door)
Actually, if you read it, you will find that the NSW Police are trying to do their job with their hands tied (I can't believe I actually said that :o )

Nothing but Aussi humer :wink:

[RealLyons]

Reece, you are one funny bastard... that could be the funniest things of my week. :lol:

[Reece]

Glad to be of service :)

[Milkovitsch]

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. Your friends love you anyway.
14. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: a lone amateur built the Ark; A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
15. Never eat yellow snow.

[Mike13]

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

Or, possibly, commas.

[robbo]

15. Never eat yellow snow.


:rofl:

[abaggs]

Reece or someone that gets that cartoon... describe what the woman is doing please :fadein:

[robbo]

:rofl:

[robbo]

Reece or someone that gets that cartoon... describe what the woman is doing please :fadein:

Anthony, what type of animal is she shaving? :D

[Reece]

Reece or someone that gets that cartoon... describe what the woman is doing please :fadein:

I'll explain it at the FITA Star if you haven't worked it out by then... :D

I'll even bring some real-life pics if you want... :o

Rich. http://www.smileys.ws/sm/cheeky/00000025.gif

[Phelan]

Reece or someone that gets that cartoon... describe what the woman is doing please :fadein:

Anthony, what type of animal is she shaving? :D


why i do beleive the animal in question is a beaver....what s so funny about a beaver? 8)

[Milkovitsch]

Or, possibly, commas.

:rofl:

[robbo]

what s so funny about a beaver? 8)

They look different shaved. :-?

[Bia]

Reece or someone that gets that cartoon... describe what the woman is doing please :fadein:

I'll explain it at the FITA Star if you haven't worked it out by then... :D

I'll even bring some real-life pics if you want... :o

Rich. http://www.smileys.ws/sm/cheeky/00000025.gif

Explain it here, since I won

[Clare Barnes]

Here's an easier one! :D

A blonde women was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. The driver dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror and then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[Milkovitsch]

Good one!

I remember a similar one;
Two blondes were walking along the street, and one spots a small mirror on the ground, picks it up and looks at it. She looks confused, so her friend asks her 'what's the matter?'
She replies 'I can't figure this out, but this girl looks familar to me'. She hands the mirror to her friend who replies 'you silly billy, of course you recognise her, it's me!'

[Reece]

[quote=abaggs]Reece or someone that gets that cartoon... describe what the woman is doing please :fadein:

I'll explain it at the FITA Star if you haven't worked it out by then... :D

I'll even bring some real-life pics if you want... :o

Rich. http://www.smileys.ws/sm/cheeky/00000025.gif

Explain it here, since I won

[Archangel]

While we're on the blonde thing....

A blonde is down on her luck. She's worried about her job, and her savings are pretty low, so she decides her only chance is to win the lottery.
She's quite religious, so she prays beforehand: "Please God, let me win the lottery. I've always tried to do the right thing, and I really feel that I deserve a small break. I don't know how I'll support myself otherwise if I do lose my job."
So that Saturday, she watches the lottery, and is very disappointed to notice she hasn't won. She's quite depressed about this, and her boss then proceeds to fire her.
Again, she prays before the lottery and again they're not answered. Her numbers don't come up.

She's unable to pay her rent, so she has to leave her house and live on the streets. She can't get another job, and all she can think of to get some money is to win the lottery. So she prays one last time - "Please God, I'm hungry and cold. I need your help, just this once to get back on my feet. I've always been true to your ideals and I promise to be in future. But I need just a little bit of help, just this once. Is that too much to ask?"

Then she hears God's voice from on high, as He answers her prayers.
He says:
"Work with me on this - Buy a ticket!"

[Jason]

[quote=abaggs]Reece or someone that gets that cartoon... describe what the woman is doing please :fadein:

I'll explain it at the FITA Star if you haven't worked it out by then... :D

I'll even bring some real-life pics if you want... :o

Rich. http://www.smileys.ws/sm/cheeky/00000025.gif

Explain it here, since I won

[abaggs]

understood. :fadein:

hadn't heard it before.

How unfortunate for the kid out of "Leave it to Beaver" :lol:

[Mike13]

Jerry Mathers.

[mbomike]

understood. :fadein:

hadn't heard it before.

How unfortunate for the kid out of "Leave it to Beaver" :lol:


There are a lot of jokes concerning that subject matter :wink: :lol: :lol:

[abaggs]

Jerry Mathers.

Before my time.

[Mike13]

LOL yeah I'm dating myself.

[Marcus]

Jerry Mathers.:rofl: you gotta be cheating now.

[Mike13]

Nah - I used to watch it before school in the eighties. :P

Pops into my head evrytime someone mentions the show - "..and Jerry Mathers as the Beaver." :lol:

[Mike13]

The best episode was just after the show went colour and that smarmy Eddie Haskell was wearing the razzleberry shirt. He thought Mrs Cleaver would finally go for him. :lol:

[Bia]

[quote=Reece][quote=abaggs]Reece or someone that gets that cartoon... describe what the woman is doing please :fadein:

I'll explain it at the FITA Star if you haven't worked it out by then... :D

I'll even bring some real-life pics if you want... :o

Rich. http://www.smileys.ws/sm/cheeky/00000025.gif

Explain it here, since I won

[Marcus]

The best episode was just after the show went colour and that smarmy Eddie Haskell was wearing the razzleberry shirt. He thought Mrs Cleaver would finally go for him. :lol:Ah that Eddie, will he ever learn?

[Reece]

The world's funniest joke was unveiled by scientists today at the end of the largest study of humour ever undertaken.

For the past year people around the world have been invited to judge jokes on an Internet site as well as contribute quips of their own.

The LaughLab experiment conducted by psychologist Dr Richard Wiseman, from the University of Hertfordshire, attracted more than 40,000 jokes and almost two million ratings.

As well as identifying the joke which appealed most to people around the world, the experiment revealed wide humour differences between nations.

Scans conducted on people being told jokes also identified the brain's laughter centre - a region near the back of the frontal lobes.

The joke which received the highest global ratings was submitted by 31-year-old psychiatrist Gurpal Gosall, from Manchester.

It reads as follows:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Dr Wiseman said the joke was interesting because it worked across many different countries and appealed to men and women and young and old alike.

He said: "Many of the jokes submitted received higher ratings from certain groups of people, but this one had real universal appeal.

"Also, we find jokes funny for lots of different reasons. They sometimes make us feel superior to others, reduce the emotional impact of anxiety-provoking situations or surprise us because of some kind of incongruity. The hunters joke contained all three elements."

People logging onto the LaughLab website were invited to rate jokes using a "Giggleometer" which had a five-point scale ranging from "not very funny" to "very funny".

One intriguing result was that Germans - not renowned for their sense of humour - found just about everything funny. They did not express a strong preference for any type of joke.

People from the Republic of Ireland, the UK, Australia and New Zealand most enjoyed jokes involving word plays.

One example was as follows. Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum." Doctor: "I've got some cream for that!"

Americans and Canadians, on the other hand, preferred jokes where there was a strong sense of superiority - either because a character looks stupid or is made to look stupid by someone else.

This was an example of American humour.

Texan: "Where are you from?"

Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

Texan: "OK, where are you from, Jackass?"

Many European countries, such as France, Denmark and Belgium, displayed a penchant for off-beat surreal humour.

Here is an example: An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."

Europeans also enjoyed jokes that involved making light of topics that make people feel anxious, such as death, illness and marriage.

Dr Wiseman said: "These results are really interesting. It suggests that people from different parts of the world have fundamentally different senses of humour. Humour is vital to communication and the more we understand about how people's culture and background affect their sense of humour, the more we will be able to communicate effectively."

People taking part in the LaughLab experiment were asked to answer questions that involved making various estimates - such as guessing the number of words on one page of a typical paperback novel.

Research suggests that people who were good at this kind of task (the correct answer to the paperback question was 500) tended to have better frontal lobe activation than poor performers.

LaughLab found that these individuals also tended to prefer relatively complex jokes.

Computer analysis of the data also showed that jokes containing 103 words were thought to be especially funny. The winning "hunters" joke was 102 words long.

Many jokes submitted contained references to animals. Jokes mentioning ducks were seen as funnier than other jokes.

The researchers were also able to pinpoint the funniest moment of the year. People found the jokes funniest at 6.03pm on October 7.

Dr Wiseman's team is launching a book describing their findings today. To celebrate the occasion, a man in a six foot chicken costume will drive a huge banner inscribed with the winning joke around the streets of London.

[Pinky]

This is a little but long (sorry)

The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. He made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just
used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's
moms like me.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and
everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they
mostly use string. I think.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other
stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would
be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

How did your Mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name
2. She had to know his background Like is he a crook? Does
he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year?
Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom
eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap
on.

What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking
bossy.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads
such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff
under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to
do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to
work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real
power cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to
sleep over at your friend's.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What's the difference between moms and grandmas? 1 About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy.
Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!

Describe the world's greatest Mom?
1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2. The greatest Mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my
fat aunts!
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to
herself.

Is anything about your Mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the
dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think
some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.
I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my
sister who did it and not me.

[Flehrad]

How did your Mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
:rofl: :rofl:

[Milkovitsch]

Has this been posted before?
http://www.teagames.com/games/eagleeye/play.php

[grantwomack]

"Chuck" off that site was, but I don't think they ever posted Eagle Eye. I find the BMX ones more fun, personally! :D

[The One]

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

QuestionThe programmer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question. If you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then, you ask me a question. If I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The programmer, by now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the engineer's attention and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the programmer. Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The programmer looks at him, puzzled. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends email to all of his coworkers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the engineer and hands him $50. The engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away, to try to get back to sleep.

The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5 and turns away, to get back to sleep.

[The One]

What Engineers Really Mean



Engineer says: A number of different approaches are being tried.
Engineer means: We are still grasping at straws.

Engineer says: We're working on a fresh approach to the problem.
Engineer means: We just hired three kids fresh out of university.

Engineer says: Close project co-ordination.
Engineer means: We know who to blame.

Engineer says: Major technological breakthrough.
Engineer means: It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

Engineer says: Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured.
Engineer means: We are so far behind schedule that the customer is happy to get it delivered.

Engineer says: Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
Engineer means: The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

Engineer says: Test results were extremely gratifying.
Engineer means: We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

Engineer says: The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
Engineer means: The only person who understood the thing quit.

Engineer says: It is in process.
Engineer means: It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is hopeless.

Engineer says: We'll look into it.
Engineer means: Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

Engineer says: Please read and initial.
Engineer means: Let's spread the responsibility for the mistake.

Engineer says: Give us the benefit of your thoughts.
Engineer means: We'll listen to what you say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

Engineer says: Give us your interpretation.
Engineer means: I can't wait to hear this!

Engineer says: See me/Let's Discuss.
Engineer means: Come into my office, I'm lonely.

Engineer says: All new!
Engineer means: Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

Engineer says: Rugged.
Engineer means: Too heavy to lift!

Engineer says: Lightweight.
Engineer means: Lighter than rugged.

Engineer says: Years of development.
Engineer means: One finally worked.

Engineer says: Energy saving.
Engineer means: Achieved when the power switch is off.

Engineer says: Low maintenance.
Engineer means: Impossible to fix if broken.

[Milkovitsch]

One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing,he
stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine he noticed a
sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked thewaiter,
"What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, youhave
excellent taste! Those are bulls balls from the bull fight this
morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, when he learned the
origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring mean
order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one
serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. Ifyou
come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to
serve you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was
served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a fewbites,
and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiterand
said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve
yesterday!" The waiter promptly replied, "Si senor!" "Sometimes the
bull wins!"

[Jason]

Comprehending Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one
asked, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along
yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this
bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes
and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the
clothes wouldn't have fit anyway."

Lesson: Don't bother to drop even the most obvious hint, they
can't catch it anyway. (This is a reality! If you don't believe,
test them!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Lesson: There is no philosophy to talk about but calculations
and calculations...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Comprehending Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for
a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have
been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude."

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have
a
word with him. Hi John. Say, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a
fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

Then the pastor said, "That's so sad I think I will say a
special prayer
for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for
them."

The engineer, after much thought said, "Why can't these guys
play at night?"

Lesson: No emotions please, only practicality works here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Comprehending Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build
targets.

Lesson: They build and build and build and build... to
compliment
one another.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Comprehending Engineers - Take Five

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the
joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous
system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would
run
a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Lesson: All of them have their own theories. None for believing!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Comprehending Engineers -Take Six

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet."

Lesson: They are complicated and twisted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Comprehending Engineers - Take Seven

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether
it was better to spend time with a wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a
solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of
the
passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

"Yeah," replied the engineer. "If you have a wife and a
mistress,
they will each assume you are spending time with the other
woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Lesson: Gals, NEVER fall for an engineer!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Comprehending Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out
to
him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful
princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me
back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it
back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm
a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for
a girlfriend, but a TALKING frog, now that's cool!"

Lesson: Once again, gals, NEVER fall for an engineer!!!!!

[abaggs]

:rofl:

True of every engineer I have ever met.

[Jason]

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were given 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed
that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

[StevenB]

If people used their cars the way they used their computers...

We would have this...

This is what a phone conversation between a driver (D) and a tech support
technician (T) would be like.

T: Driver

[robbo]

I saw this on the back of a campervan, parked in the Formula 1 carrpark at Mascot airportlast night.




I'm no gynaecologist............................but I'll take a look. :D


.

[Milkovitsch]

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:


"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"


The survey was a huge failure, In Africa they didn't know what 'food'
meant, In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant, in Europe they
didn't know what 'shortage' meant, in China they didn't know
what 'opinion' meant, in the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution'
meant, in South America they didn't know what 'please' meant, and in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

[The One]

:rofl:

[Milkovitsch]

Message from Iraq

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y93/GBM2004/MessagefromIraq.jpg

[grantwomack]

and in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant. :rofl: :rofl:

[OldDog]

"Living In California"


Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took
the seat beside him.
The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands
shaking, biting his nails
and moaning in fear.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked

"Oh man... I've been transferred to California," the
other guy answered.
"There's crazy people in California and they have
shootings, gangs, race
riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..."

"Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in California
all my life, and it
is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go
to work, mind your
own business, enroll your kids in a good school and
it's as safe as
anywhere in the world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a
moment and said,
"Oh,thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you
live there and say
OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a
living?"

"Me?" said Jack, "Oh, I'm tail gunner on a bread truck
in Oakland."

[mbomike]

:rofl:

It's not that bad in Oakland (SF)....I lived there for a week. :D
Some parts were a bit dubious, but I guess that feeling comes from my comfortable lifestyle back here at home :wink: :D

[Flehrad]

You know you are in deep trouble when...

The stewardess on your flight tells you NOT to fasten your seatbelt.

Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Panama.

You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your late car payment.

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.

You see the cruise captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.

They pay your wages out of petty cash.

Getting there is half the fun and three-quarters of the vacation budget.

The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.

You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.

You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.

Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.

The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.

The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out

[mbomike]

Darwin Award

The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington USA
appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a
previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:

1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms, A gun shop specializing in
handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol
car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before
work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up,
and fired a few wild shots from a .22 target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a
9mm Glock 17, the clerk
with a .50 Desert Eagle, assisted by several customers who also drew their
guns, several of whom
also fired, The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics.

Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop.
The subsequent autopsy
revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different
weapons. No one else was
hurt in the exchange of fire.

Here we are at the beginning of March and we already may have the 2005
winner of the
Darwin Award. This guy is going to be hard to beat.

[OldDog]

those 2 aussies who held up the bank in Denver colorado are in prime contention as well. :o

[robbo]

They were idiots. :rofl:

I can't beleave Aussies could be so stupid......................................yes I can. :D

[unclepete]

Here's something to frustrate the hell out of you all

http://deathball.net/notpron/

[OldDog]

How Men and Women Shower

How To Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according
to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
6. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
7. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
8. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
9. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
10. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
11. Rinse conditioner off hair.
12. Shave armpits and legs.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
15. Spray mold spots with exit mold
16. Get out of shower.
17. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
18. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
19. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
20. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willie at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
4. Admire the size of your willie and scratch your butt.
5. Get in the shower.
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
9. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
10. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
12. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willie at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.

[robbo]

:rofl:

[robbo]

Some of us haven't got enough hair to make a shampoo mohawk. :-? :D

[abaggs]

*completely* bald? :D

[shooting_star]

:o :o :o
this just goes to prove that guys are really really gross,
and chicks rule :wink:

[robbo]

:o

[Flame]

:o :o 8)

[unclepete]

I asked a beautician acquaintance what was the big deal about the 'Brazilian' wax. She said it meant nothing...

[robbo]

:onfire:

[Flame]

did you get one Robbo :D

[unclepete]

Robbo, you're starting to sound like Flame :)

[Flame]

I have him in training :D

[robbo]

Robbo, you're starting to sound like Flame :)

:onfire: is all I could think of when you mention a brazilian. :D

[Flame]

Not what comes to my mind :D

[robbo]

I must be thinking of something different then. :-?

[Flame]

I think I like mine better compared to your jumping puppet :D

[robbo]

Ok.

[shooting_star]

You burden me with your questions
You'd have me tell no lies
You're always asking what it's all about
Now listen to my replies
You say to me I don't talk enough
But when I do I'm a fool
These times I've spent, I've realized
I'm going to shoot through
And leave you

The things, you say
Your purple prose just gives you away
The things, you say
You're unbelievable
You burden me with your problems
By telling me more than mine
I'm always so concerned
With the way you say,
You've always go to stop
To think of us being one
Is more than I ever know
But this time, I realize
I'm going to shoot through
And leave you

Seemingly lastless, don't mean
you can ask us
Pushing down the relative
Bringing out your higher self
Think of the fine times, pushing
down the better few, instead of
bringing out the clues, to what the
world and everything anger to, brace
yourself with the grace of ease,
I know this world ain't what it seems.
What the f*** was that,
its unbelievable

>>Emf Unbelievable



Can you feel it, see it, hear it today?
If you can

[Flame]

what has that to do with Brazilians Semmi :o

[shooting_star]

meh... :roll:

[Flame]

Andrew will be back :D

[shooting_star]

nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[taxidermist]

Good poem but has nothing to do with the current topic of this thread.

[Phelan]

this thread has a topic?????

[Flame]

this thread has a topic?????

Yep

Robbo likes Brazilians :onfire:

[robbo]

Actually I knew a Brazilian once, she was a stripper in the Cross, beautifull eyes, nice tanned complexion, mmmmm.............. I better say no more. :o :D

[Flame]

photo's Robbo :D

[unclepete]

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped a park ranger.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the ranger.

After about a half mile the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the ranger finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!!" the ranger gasped.

With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the ranger a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the ranger, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young feller, "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one ..."

[robbo]

:rofl:

[Eolla]

I had a chase with 2 guys on motorcyles once who used that ploy.....

[shooting_star]

Good poem but has nothing to do with the current topic of this thread.


they arent poems, they'r songs

[unclepete]

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and strikes the chief squarely on the temple. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces.

God's voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."

[shooting_star]

what was this thread's topic in the first place anyway?