Old Light Relief Thread

[robbo]

Outa the way ......... sheep shagger. :rofl:

[robbo]

That's 2000 posts in this thread. :o (2001 now)

[CMB50]

Bloody hell. Most popular thread ever! :bday:

[Marcus]

and with half the views of Archery Babe of the Year :rofl:

[Mick]

The Fireman

A fireman is polishing a fire engine outside the fire station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little
ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle. The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart
tied to a dog and cat.

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look, "That's a lovely
fire engine," says the fireman admiringly.

"Thanks," says the little girl.

The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of
the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's
testicles.

"Little colleague," says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to
run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.

The little girl pauses for a moment to think, looks at the wagon, at
the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks up into the fireman's eyes and
says... "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king
siren, would I"

[Matti Laakso]

I found this most -------- satisfying... I hope you do too!


http://www.somethingwrong.co.uk/crazy_frog_baseball/

:)

[Milkovitsch]

The milkman calls at a house and sees a note left out in an empty bottle. Reads the note which says "18 gallons milk, please". "18 gallons?" he says to himself and rings the doorbell. A beautiful lady answers the door. "Madam,' says the milkman,'you left a note for 18 gallons of milk?"
"Yes", she replies.
"That's a lot of milk. I'll have to make two trips. Why do you want 18 gallons?"
"I read an article in the paper which says that if you bathe in milk it does wonders for your skin, so I want to give it a try"
"OK", says the milkman, "18 gallons it is. Pasteurised?"
"No, just up to my tits."



:lol:

[Milkovitsch]

Poor guy.

http://www.themercury.co.za/index.php?fSectionId=283&fArticleId=2850592

What's the world coming to?

[Shermo]

http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b108/shermo/109787.jpg

[Jason.P]

ANDREW thats got to end in tears :D

[Flehrad]

Internet Lingo for innocents....

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/images2/internetlingo.jpg

[AVM]

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work
today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt.
I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When
I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.

That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try
that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and
I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

You're right AVM: That joke is only funny when it contains Asian names...

[Shermo]

http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b108/shermo/drunksmile2.jpg

[bigfella]

With friends like this who needs enemies? :-?

[Pat Mole]

http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b108/shermo/drunksmile2.jpg

College Humor (http://www.collegehumor.com/pictures/)

[primal]

flehrad, thats gold.

[dbjac]

http://www.npower.com/cfm/cricketgame.cfm

awesome game, i just suck at it... all i can manage is 80 runs from 10 overs...
i find it hard to time the balls that are straight at the wicket... its frustrating!

[Jason.P]

51 is the best i could get with 10 wickets :cry:

[Jason.P]

51 is the best i could get with 10 wickets :cry:

[robbo]

100 for 9 wickets. :D thats as far as it goes.

[dbjac]

check the high scores... :o

[robbo]

137 for 4 from 12 overs. You only get 12 overs.

[OldDog]

163 for the loss of 3 wickets.

[dbjac]

all out for 126... im getting the hang of it slowly...

[dbjac]

6 for 165 and 12 overs...

[CMB50]

First attempt.... 10 for 114 :)

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

[dbjac]

and some dude got 1 for 426, out of 432... and obviously one ball wasted in the wicket... :o

[frommy]

and some dude got 1 for 426, out of 432... and obviously one ball wasted in the wicket... :o

Wonder what he is doing for the next five days starting Thursday in England. Can he be signed up in time? :-?

:lol:

[robbo]

204 for 4.

[Milkovitsch]

Deleted, bad joke, noble of poster to apologise.

[Robert43]

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome[/quote]
Thats really bad taste

[hoyt for life 2]

What's 14" long, has a purple head, leaks fluids, and makes women scream?

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome
Thats really bad taste
i can think of worse jokes than that

[robbo]

Extremely offensive remark

Mate I don't know who you are, but I have never heard anything so insensitive and offensive in my life.

I must have missed that. :-?

If the poster cannot understand the problem with that "joke", they can come to my place and I am sure I can help them understand. :x

[robbo]

Extrmely offensive remark


Thats really bad taste
i can think of worse jokes than that


I would prefer that you did not repeat them here.

Apologies. It was pretty bad in hindsight.

[frommy]

Might I suggest that the other posters who had quoted the item should also now edit their posts. :roll:

[OldDog]

It sure looks grand on an email I am compiling atm. :wink:

[andrewf87]

This game is a bit of fun:

http://www.transbuddha.com/mediaHolder.php?id=675

[Abernathy]

This game is a bit of fun:

http://www.transbuddha.com/mediaHolder.php?id=675

Nice. I thought it was easy for a coupla stages. Sure to keep me distracted while on the phone at work.

[andrewf87]

My best is 2128

[The One]

166 for the loss of 2

[primal]

This game is a bit of fun:

http://www.transbuddha.com/mediaHolder.php?id=675


now thats great. its like that girl and the bubbles. Almost completely pointless.... Hang on a second i just described the internet. :wink:

[unclepete]

SCIENTISTS say an amazing new diet of red wine and chocolate will delay heart disease and add six years to your lifespan.

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,10117,16514149-13762,00.html

[Mark]

http://members.swiftdsl.com.au/~onlineit/dress_code.wmv

This is scary stuff

[BrokenArr0w]

yeah, thats on bowling for colanbin (however u spell it.. :-? )

gotta love it when he pulls out the shotgun..

[The One]

Still at it - 209 for 1

[frommy]

So will be England by lunch time the way they are going. :(

[Flehrad]

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y78/lalune0179/sign2.jpg

[primal]

yeah orignial signs gotta love em.

http://www.cora.org/world_pics/sign.jpg

http://www.funnysign.com/funnysign/122_kidding.jpg

or check out this site

http://www.funnysign.com

[primal]

or this onehttp://www.funnysign.com/funnysign/023_got_crabs.jpg

[John K]

Or this one :rofl:

http://www.funnysign.com/funnysign/078_triple_feature.jpg

[Jason.P]

The Guys' Rules


At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the
guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules"
from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days..

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.
yes! , I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know
men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[dbjac]

HAHA! thats gold... :lol:

[John K]

I used to be convinced that Murdoch's media empire was pretty right wing. Now I'm not so sure :lol:

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/09/09/bush_caption.jpg

[Clare Barnes]

The truth at last ... :D

[primal]

LOL thats great. finally fox tells it straight.

[andrewf87]

Lol thats good as :D

[CMB50]

Keeping on the Bush theme....this one's been doing the email rounds.

Bush on Holiday in New Orleans...

http://www.archery-forum.com/uploads/BushVaca.jpg

[hoyt for life 2]

Keeping on the Bush theme....this one's been doing the email rounds.

Bush on Holiday in New Orleans...

http://www.archery-forum.com/uploads/BushVaca.jpg
if anything shouldnt that flood make fuel cheper, now they can drive the tankers right up to the refinarys front door.

[Mark]

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000. "Which of the following species of birds does not build its

own nest, but instead
lays its eggs in the nest of other birds? Is it:

A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo or,
D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer and all that
remained was her
Phone-a- Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she

would not have to use it. Mainly because her friend happened to be a
'blonde'. But, she really
had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and
the
four choices.
The friend responded unhesitatingly:

"That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
employing a reverse strategy and giving Eddie any answer except the one

that her friend had given her.


And considering that her friend was blonde, that would seem to be the
logical thing to do.


On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such
certitude, that


the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Eddie.

Crossing her fingers, she said, "C. the cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Eddie.


"Yes, that is my final answer."

Seconds later, Eddie said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is
.......absolutely correct!


You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends, including the blonde friend who had helped her win the million

dollars.


"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a
millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness
with which you answered the question that persuaded me to go with your
final choice. By the way, how DID you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," her blonde friend said, "everybody knows that cuckoos
don't build nests. They live in clocks!"

[robbo]

:rofl:


I like that one. :D

[dbjac]

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/2698507.stm

interesting... :o

[Patchy]

"The great British faggot is full of flavour and a great belly warmer at this time of year."

:rofl:

The family, including Lewis, 13, and Grace, 7, eat faggots twice a week, with mashed potato and mushy peas,

[andrewf87]

:rofl:

[Eolla]

Yes they do exist, Robs English Butchery in Lonsdale Dandenong sell Faggots, should you feel the need to try them.

[Barracuda]

Geez, I knew Dandy and it's surrounding regions had well and truly managed to get a stranglehold on the title 'Struggle Town' over the last 20 years but selling faggots fer eatin'. That tops it!

[Barracuda]

Apologies if this is a repeat!


A public servant, on his way home from work in Canberra traffic, came to a dead halt and thought to himself, "This is unusual." He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked,

"Officer, what's the hold-up?"

The officer replied, "The Prime Minister is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends, so we're taking up a collection for him."

The public servant asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies, "About 200 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

[Mark]

Product release that I am sure will be of assistance to some of the older Archery Forum members -

http://members.swiftdsl.com.au/~onlineit/nutts.wmv

:D

[Action Man]

Not sure if this is in this thread somewhere already but here is a little archery game to while away the hours at work.

http://www.treasurevalleylife.com/games/longbow.swf

[primal]

Product release that I am sure will be of assistance to some of the older Archery Forum members -

http://members.swiftdsl.com.au/~onlineit/nutts.wmv

:D

he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he.

:)
that was funny

[Milkovitsch]

Not sure if this is in this thread somewhere already but here is a little archery game to while away the hours at work.

http://www.treasurevalleylife.com/games/longbow.swf
I can see some of the more 'traditional' archers getting very existed right now. :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Mark]

A husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said,
"From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and
my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The f***ng funeral director would be my guess."

[Shermo]

http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b108/shermo/ShowLetter.jpg

[primal]

sherman what are those??

[Shermo]

sherman what are those??

Mouse pads :D

[primal]

sherman what are those??

Mouse pads :D


ahhhhhhh i seeee. :o

[Milkovitsch]

has this game been posted before?
http://www.makaimedia.com/games/game_frame.aspx?gid=22

We should have a separate thread just for games, :wink:

[Flame]

sherman what are those??

Mouse pads :D

nice wrist support :D

[CMB50]

Shane Warne's team mates were perplexed one morning to see Shane walk into the change rooms with a pair of women's panties on his arm. Somewhat used to Shane's tendencies, they let it go and went about getting ready.
The day wore on; Shane bowled a few overs and the batsman came and went with a puzzled expression on their faces but no one dared ask about
the panties. Finally, Ricky Ponting walked up to Shane between overs and gently whispered to him.

"Err Shane," he said, "We've come to expect many unusual things from you, but we're a bit worried that you seem to be wearing a pair of women's panties on your arm.
Please tell me this doesn't mean more trouble."
"Oh no," Shane grinned. "It's The Patch. I'm trying to quit."

[wiggles]

His Mum told him that would work. :lol:

[Patchy]

:rofl:

[robbo]

sherman what are those??

Mouse pads :D

nice wrist support :D

Good for RSI. :D

[bigfella]

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:


Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."


Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."


RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."


RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them?
Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G : "You're very welcome."

[Milkovitsch]

That's gold mate. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[primal]

sherman what are those??

Mouse pads :D

nice wrist support :D

Good for RSI. :D

isee you need wrist report. so robbo got rsi in your hand hay?

[robbo]

No ....... but better safe than sorry. :D

[robbo]

or should that be ........... prevention is better than cure. :-?

[beetle]

Q: What's a pirates favorite school subject?
A: Arrrrithmitic

http://members.iinet.net.au/~mxb/pirate.gif

a pirate walks into a bar and the tender asks "Why do you have that steering wheel hanging out of your pants?"

The pirate says,"Arrr... It's driving me nuts."

http://members.iinet.net.au/~mxb/pirate.gif


A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."

http://members.iinet.net.au/~mxb/pirate.gif
Arrrrr!

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.

Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

Once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.

The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

http://members.iinet.net.au/~mxb/pirate.gif

A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant
battle. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth.
This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,
not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter
the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!"
The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately
the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum
on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances.
The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and
after a tension-filled moment spoke:
"Now yee've done it!! Now we're goon to have to pee in the boat."

http://members.iinet.net.au/~mxb/pirate.gif
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers.
"I came upon a gang of macho pirates who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So I approached the largest, meanest, nastiest one.
I smacked him on the head, knocked his parrot off his shoulder,
ripped out his ear ring and threw it on the ground,
and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago."

http://members.iinet.net.au/~mxb/pirate.gif
Top Ten Pickup lines for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day

10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?

9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?

8. Come on up and see me urchins.

7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.

6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.

5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?

4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?

3. Ya know, darlin, Im 97 percent chum free.

2. Well blow me down?

And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is

1. Prepare to be boarded.

Bonus pickup lines (when the ones above don't work, as they often won't)
They dont call me Long John because my head is so big.

Youre drinking a Salty Dog? Howd you like to try the real thing?

Wanna shiver me timbers?

Ive sailed the seven seas, and youre the sleekest schooner Ive ever sighted.

Brwaack! Polly want a cracker? Oh, wait. Thats for Talk Like a PARROT Day.

Thats the finest pirate booty Ive ever laid eyes on.

Let's get together and haul some keel.

Thats some treasure chest youve got there.

NEW: A loyal reader who goes by the fine monicker o' Captain O'erself (and you if yer lucky) offers some additional pickup lines fer the female pirate:

Mind If I climb your rigging?
Nice Mast.
Care to dock into Port?
Could you untangle my rigging?
Come swab my deck.


http://members.iinet.net.au/~mxb/pirate.gif http://members.iinet.net.au/~mxb/pirate.gif http://members.iinet.net.au/~mxb/pirate.gif

[BrokenArr0w]

meh.. the better pirate pick up line is:

'im a love pirate. and im here for your booty.. ARRGH!'

[dbjac]

no. 1 pick up line of all time: Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

[BrokenArr0w]

no. 1 pick up line of all time: Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
whats that got to do with a pirate? *shakes head*

[dbjac]

never said it did

[wiggles]

This equation should be taught in all math classes!
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been
to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about
achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the
Bull**** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top

[bigfella]

Hey, Wiggles, that's great :P

[wiggles]

And soooo true.

[unclepete]

H-I-T-T-H-E-G-O-L-D gives you 106% :)

[New Tricks]

The Rules:

1.) It is ok for a Man to cry under the following circumstances:- When a heroic dog dies to save its master.- The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.- After wrecking your boss' car.- One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".- When she is using her teeth.
2.) Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
3.) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
4.) If you've known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
5.) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6.) No Man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another Man. In fact, even remembering your friend's birthday is strictly optional.
7.) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8.) When stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
9.) It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
10.) Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another Man in the nuts.
11.) Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
12.) Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
13.) If a Man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
14.) Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
15.) A Man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
16.) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.
17.) If you compliment a Man on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
18.) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
19.) Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another Man while lifting weights:- Yeah, Baby, Push it!- C'mon, give me one more! Harder!- Another set and we can hit the showers!
20.) Never talk to a Man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
21.) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22.) The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
23.) There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
24.) When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
25.) You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call 'BULL****!'.Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.
26.) The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
27.) Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
28.) Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
29.) The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
30.) A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
31.) When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
32.) If a buddy is out-numbered, out-Manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin.", then you may sit back and enjoy.
33.) If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.
34.) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
35.) When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.
36.) Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "**** OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.
37.) Never, EVER slap or smack another Man.

[primal]

True, newtricks. True.

[wiggles]

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia, and said,

[archer4518]

A M E N!

[Kuru]

http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a71/gc78/cat.jpg

[Archangel]

Nice Kuru!
My cat's going to get a similar treatment soon if she doesn't stop sleeping on my car :-D

[bigfella]

We are, we are, we are, we are, we are the Engineers!
We can, we can, we can, we can, demolish forty beers!

I suppose that there are 41 of you :wink:

[Archangel]

I suppose that there are 41 of you :wink:
You obviously haven't seen engineering students drinking beer, or you wouldn't be saying that :-P

[primal]

I suppose that there are 41 of you :wink:
You obviously haven't seen engineering students drinking beer, or you wouldn't be saying that :-P

you mean "you haven't seen uni students drinking beer" right? :wink:

[StevenB]

I suppose that there are 41 of you :wink:
You obviously haven't seen engineering students drinking beer, or you wouldn't be saying that :-P

you mean "you haven't seen uni students drinking beer" right? :wink:

a half dozen masons would drink the complete population of a uni under the table

[Eberbachl]

I suppose that there are 41 of you :wink:
You obviously haven't seen engineering students drinking beer, or you wouldn't be saying that :-P

Yeah, I've seen 'em - sitting around sipping imported beer with their little fingers pointing out :D

:rofl:

[Archangel]

you mean "you haven't seen uni students drinking beer" right? :wink:
No, the distinction is important - a lone Engineer can drink up to ten Arts students under the table, and still design a bridge in the morning :-D

Yeah, I've seen 'em - sitting around sipping imported beer with their little fingers pointing out
Clearly you have a lower standard of Engineers over there...

[primal]

[quote=primal]you mean "you haven't seen uni students drinking beer" right? :wink:
No, the distinction is important - a lone Engineer can drink up to ten Arts students under the table, and still design a bridge in the morning :-D [quote]

Ahh i see. That explains all those delays and leaks in the city-link tunnels. :wink:

[The One]

leaks in the city-link tunnels. :wink:

Well, after that many beers... 8)

[GrahameA]

Evening All

No, the distinction is important - a lone Engineer can drink up to ten Arts students under the table, and still design a bridge in the morning

Tacoma Narrows by perchance?

[Archangel]

Evening All

No, the distinction is important - a lone Engineer can drink up to ten Arts students under the table, and still design a bridge in the morning

Tacoma Narrows by perchance?
I didn't say it would be a good bridge :-)

[shooting_star]

:robot:

[harry]

international pirate day pick up line :
arrr my drift wood be high says ei arr

[StevenB]

http://www.slapyo.com/wp-content/NewOrleansHeineken.jpg

[harry]

stevenB that is so true :D

funny if u actually saw that at a bus stop :roll:

[harry]

stevenB that is so true :D

funny if u actually saw that at a bus stop :roll:

[Milkovitsch]

He's got his priorities in order :lol:

[dbjac]

... this is hipnotising... in a good way
http://www.surrealcode.com/daisydukedances4you/

[andrewf87]

:shocked!:

Goooooood

[unclepete]

An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support departments of a company. The support department whipped the marketing department soundly.

To show just *how* the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:

"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for this year's Softball season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, had a rather dismal season, however, as they won only one game, coming in next to last."

[primal]

An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support departments of a company. The support department whipped the marketing department soundly.

To show just *how* the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:

"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for this year's Softball season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, had a rather dismal season, however, as they won only one game, coming in next to last."

how true of any marketing dept.

[Jason]

One game that will hook you, one of the best free multiplayer online games around

http://www.themobster.com/?refer=Spinwings

[unclepete]

Evil

http://www.madnesstemple.com/dodgethedot/

[primal]

Evil

http://www.madnesstemple.com/dodgethedot/

<shaking> its ok i can give it up any time i want :crazyeyes: </shaking>

[Pat Mole]

Evil

http://www.madnesstemple.com/dodgethedot/
am i missing hte point, or was that game really easy?

edit: oh... that is hard

[dbjac]

so did anyone else figure out how to cheat that game...

[grantwomack]

Yes.

[hoyt for life 2]

it praticly tells you on that instruction page

[Pat Mole]

oh.... cheating is so much easier.

[robbo]

How do you cheat? :-?


I'm stuffed when the lights go out.

[primal]

How do you cheat? :-?


I'm stuffed when the lights go out.

you right click

[Mark]

A Chinese couple gets married -- and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he
is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked
under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her
and tries to be reassuring:

"My darring" he says, "I know dis you fus time and you berry
frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus
anyting you wan, you say. Whatchou wan?" he says, trying to sound
experienced,
which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for
her
request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan ...... numba
69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled
tone
he queries......... "You want... Beef wif Broccori."?

[robbo]

:rofl:

[Flame]

:D

[BrokenArr0w]

How do you cheat? :-?


I'm stuffed when the lights go out.

you right click



f*ck... im on a mac... their is no right click... :o

[Flame]

http://www.users.on.net/wwwsys/Images/Forum/won.jpg

:D :D :D

[Eberbachl]

How do you cheat? :-?


I'm stuffed when the lights go out.

you right click



f*ck... im on a mac... their is no right click... :o

I'm on a Mac at home, and I love it to bits - but the first thing I did was plug in a Microsoft USB optical wheel mouse :D

Right - click to my heart's content. OSX supports contextual menus nicely with the right mouse plugged in.

;)

[unclepete]

A Chinese couple living in Hong Kong divorce and decide to go back to where they were before they married. So she went back to Peking, and he went back to Wanking.

[BrokenArr0w]

yeah luke,
i know, i too have plugged in my microsoft usb mouse... but i am on a laptop, where the mouse is not always a convinient option.
i also no that u can hold the 'ctrl' button and click.

[Eberbachl]

yeah luke,
i know, i too have plugged in my microsoft usb mouse... but i am on a laptop, where the mouse is not always a convinient option.
i also no that u can hold the 'ctrl' button and click.

True, true - it would be nice if they put two buttons on the powerbooks and ibooks.

They're great machines, IMHO that's about their only real flaw.

;)

[BrokenArr0w]

yep, id have to agree.
asides from that i love them to bits...
but even the lack of a right click you can work around.

[bigfella]

The Sensitive New Age Aussie Bloke :-?

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters beer. Bruce says, "Where did you get all that beer from Bluey?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she just gave you the tinnies?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "She answered the door and I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, there must be some mistake. I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of beer you are'." :-?

[Eberbachl]

The Sensitive New Age Aussie Bloke :-?

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters beer. Bruce says, "Where did you get all that beer from Bluey?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she just gave you the tinnies?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "She answered the door and I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, there must be some mistake. I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of beer you are'." :-?

Yeah, but who got the last laugh?

Bluey ended up with a case of fosters

:rofl:

[Mark]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally
nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude
model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were
told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them
would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of
spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first
candidate, with no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the
priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that if flew off,
clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to
rest and bent over to pick it up.

Then all the other bells started to ring...

[Milkovitsch]

Then all the other bells started to ring...
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
or perhaps
:cry:

[The One]

Bluey ended up with a case of fosters


:rofl:

[Flehrad]

http://www.wkygorilla.com/userimages/No%20Texas%20Looting.JPG

[Milkovitsch]

Yea, that's about right too. One of the southern US states just passed a law that states that if you have a gun, and you feel threatened by someone you can use it and not fear being prosecuted. :-?

[Eolla]

Get a load of the handgun the guy third from the left is holding, it puts Clint Eastwood to shame

[Archangel]

Yea, that's about right too. One of the southern US states just passed a law that states that if you have a gun, and you feel threatened by someone you can use it and not fear being prosecuted. :-?
Those crazy Americans...
Of course in certain other countries you now have to stand by and let people rob you - probably give them a hand carrying your TV out - otherwise you'll get convicted of aggravated assault and wind up in jail yourself...

[hoyt for life 2]

Yea, that's about right too. One of the southern US states just passed a law that states that if you have a gun, and you feel threatened by someone you can use it and not fear being prosecuted. :-?
Those crazy Americans...
Of course in certain other countries you now have to stand by and let people rob you - probably give them a hand carrying your TV out - otherwise you'll get convicted of aggravated assault and wind up in jail yourself...

bloody labour goverment

[New Tricks]

http://home.comcast.net/~Snap-Dad/trippyredballs.gif

stare at the +

[jamie]

call me blonde, but i don't get it, if i stare at the + without blinking, the pink dots start to dissappear, if i blink, they all come back again, if i sit back like 1m and watch it, the pink dots get green halos, what am i supposed to be seeing?

[StevenB]

call me blonde, but i don't get it, if i stare at the + without blinking, the pink dots start to dissappear, if i blink, they all come back again, if i sit back like 1m and watch it, the pink dots get green halos, what am i supposed to be seeing?

its one of those ones where you stare at it for a bit, then the picture changes to some scary face and it makes a loud noise

[jamie]

its one of those ones where you stare at it for a bit, then the picture changes to some scary face and it makes a loud noise

nope, lol, none of that happening :D

[Foxcub]

i see what happing the dods go away

[Archangel]

call me blonde, but i don't get it, if i stare at the + without blinking, the pink dots start to dissappear, if i blink, they all come back again, if i sit back like 1m and watch it, the pink dots get green halos, what am i supposed to be seeing?
Well roughly that, if you stare at the plus then after a while you can see a green dot going around in a circle.

[robbo]

Focus. :D

[wiggles]

Pretty pathetic when you got to explain such a simple thing. :lol:

[jamie]

well i was getting a few different results and i wasn't sure which one was supposed to be seeing, did anyone else get green halos?

[robbo]

Yeah I see the halos just before the pink dots disappear.

[Bia]

when you focus on the + , the green dot apear (not just a halo) and the pink ones are supposed to disappear and appear again

[Clare Barnes]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes one item by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed".

"Oh no!" exclaims the President. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[primal]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes one item by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed".

"Oh no!" exclaims the President. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

now that gets my vote.

Did anyone here about that time when presidnet bush was speaking at a pro-life rally. He made a stiring speach about the importance of life, and the need to protect the unborn baby faeces.

:rofl:

[Pat Mole]

Paris Hilton screwing next to a pool (http://content.collegehumor.com/items/2005/10/collegehumor.1614530.451xAUTO.jpg)

[BrokenArr0w]

Paris Hilton screwing next to a pool (http://content.collegehumor.com/items/2005/10/collegehumor.1614530.451xAUTO.jpg)
well that could have been better :roll:

[andrewf87]

Yeh, not really what i expected but still, its a rare site to see paris hiltin with any kind of tool from a hardware shop :-?

[Mark]

http://members.swiftdsl.com.au/~onlineit/Americans.wmv

[andrewf87]

Lol trust the yanks

[DanceswithDingoes]

:o

[2Dogs]

:rofl:

[apexrob]

:rofl:

[Eberbachl]

:rofl:

Well - we all know the word is flat and the USA is at the centre of the universe :D

:rofl:

[Robert43]

:rofl:

Well - we all know the word is flat and the USA is at the centre of the universe :D

:rofl:
How every true :-?

[dbjac]

AHAHAHAHA...."i just realised north Korea is so much bigger than South Korea..." GOLD...

[Barracuda]

:rofl: Only because if I wasn't I'd cry! Morons!

[primal]

AHAHAHAHA...."i just realised north Korea is so much bigger than South Korea..." GOLD...

true g' true.

[robbo]

Some people are pretty clueless. :-?


But I bet if you walked around in Sydney or Melbourne or anywhere in Australia for that matter and did the same thing, you would get the same response from some people.

[ozther]

Some people are pretty clueless. :-?


But I bet if you walked around in Sydney or Melbourne or anywhere in Australia for that matter and did the same thing, you would get the same response from some people.


:rofl:

street talk with Sam Newman (Footy Show) comes to mind :roll:

.

[abaggs]

:rofl:

[primal]

http://www.the-andersons.id.au/andersons/caleb/airbagoma.wmv

Super Granny Says " Have a lesson in patience"

[primal]

And for your continued viewing pleasure

http://www.the-andersons.id.au/andersons/caleb/mybeer.wmv

[Mark]

Guts and balls



The difference in definition between "guts" and "balls"



Guts: is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:

"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?"



Balls: is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say:

"you're next fatty"

[Mick]

Guts and balls

I can think of many less painful ways to commit suicide.

[Patchy]

There's a bus travelling along...full of very ugly people,
anyway the bus swerves and crashes off the road and everybody on board is killed,
anyway they all get to pearly gates of heaven...all lined up ready to go in,
GOD decides to grant each person a wish..for having such a hard life from being ugly,
so the first person comes up to god and says "i want to be beautifull!" and so god grants the wish and the person becomes beautiful...then jumps through the pearly gates into heaven,
this goes on for a while "i want to be beautiful", "i want to be beautiful!"
GOD is getting towards the end of the line when he notices a guy at the end of the line rolling around in tears of laughter,
the wishes continue to be "i want to be beautiful", "i want to be beautiful"
GOD gets to the end of the line and GOD asks him whats so funny?
and the guys says, "MAKE EM ALL UGLY AGAIN!!!"

[Cutthroat]

Andrewf87 wrote that it was rare to see paris hilton with any tool from a hardware store,I dont know about that she was getting around with that millsy bloke for a while.

[bigfella]

Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very
faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking
home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off
her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather
expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath
with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next
day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet
and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to
suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no panties!!"

That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card
stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

[Patchy]

:rofl:

[Mark]

Colin was bragging to his boss one day,

"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone,

and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin, how about

Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's
door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you!
You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Colin's boss is still skeptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's
knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name! anyone else, "Colin says."

President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Colin says, "I know
him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Colin on the tour and
motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was
Just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to
Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope
a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Colin and his boss are assembled with the
masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I
can't catch The Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I
know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on
the balcony with the
Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure
enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony
but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart
attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss'
side, Colin asks him,

"What happened?"

His boss looks up and says,"I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came out on the balcony, and the man next to me said,

"Who the ****'s that on the balcony with Colin?"

[abaggs]

ROFL

I almost cried! :D

[Abernathy]

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4505462782975458603&q=football

How long do we spend on the shooting line, trying to acheive that perfect shot?

How long do you reckon this guy has been training for this perfect routine?

[wiggles]

Hi I am Colin and I taught him that yesterday.

[John K]

This makes more sense (if that's the right word) to anyone who's played an MMORPG (especially something like World of Warcraft):

http://piglet.techno.org/images/funny.gif

[dbjac]

http://www.trademe.co.nz/Electronics-photography/Other/auction-36725938.htm

[wiggles]

The makers of Viagra have finally released the ingredients for this most popular drug. It consists of; 2% Ibuprofen
2%Paracetamal
1% Codiene
95% Fix A Flat

[jamie]

Just felt like paying out a bit on blondes, it

[StevenB]

http://www.ctgilles.net/funny/188612_Posting.swf

[Abernathy]

:D That is gold.

[StevenB]

http://www.fosters.com.au/enjoy/docs/VB_radio_stubbyholder.mp3

[StevenB]

The Lamb Ad


http://www.mla.com.au/NR/rdonlyres/46EBC010-D6DE-4AFD-9AF3-3AE77BB74345/0/Sam_Kekovich_90_sec.wmv

[Croc Slide]

EVER WONDER where we are headed... ??
Why the sun lightens our hair,

but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara

with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline:

"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start"

to stop Windows ?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?

Why there isn't mouse flavoured cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a

"new & improved" flavour?

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when

they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro,

is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal"

if flying is so safe?

AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer:

"Do not use while sleeping".

(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips:

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap:

"Directions: Use like regular soap".

(And that would be how???)

On some frozen dinners:

"Serving suggestion: Defrost".

(But, it's just a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert

(printed on bottom):

"Do not turn upside down".

(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

"Product will be hot after heating".

(And you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron:

"Do not iron clothes on body".

(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:

"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:

"Warning: May cause drowsiness".

(And...I'm taking this because???)

On most brands of Christmas lights:

"For indoor or outdoor use only".

(As opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:

"Not to be used for the other use".

(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts:

"Warning: contains nuts".

(Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".

(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:

On a child's superman costume:

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".

On a Swedish chainsaw:

"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".

(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
:o :o :o :o

If this allready posted somewere in the Last 147 pages "Thats Life" I didnt read the whole 147 pages sorry ! :2gunfire: me for shareing !

[Robert43]

I dont want to be an alarmist but I believe we will soon be audited by both internal & external bodies & I can forsee a large amount of excrement travilling at high speedsat high velocity towards the fast spinning cooling device.
When these 2 meet I can see that we all will be up an effluent stream in a vehicle made of sharp fencing products with no form of propulsion or stearing

This is on 1 of the fitters locker at work

[primal]

http://www.ctgilles.net/funny/188612_Posting.swf

whaaa... i didnt see nutt'n. Nut'n i tell ya. Ok i'll try 2moro @ work.

[New Tricks]

weeeeeeee

http://media.putfile.com/matwtf

[2Dogs]

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl
said,

"NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and
played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

[Bia]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

The best ever!!!!!

And the girl didn

[Eberbachl]

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl
said,

"NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and
played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

:rofl:

That's gold!

:rofl:

[grantwomack]

Well worth the wait for the download.
BSB video (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6739710473912337648&q=chinese&pr=goog-sl)

[John K]

Lifted from the Private Eye magazine website:

[quote]

[primal]

find lost babies.... :rofl: thats gold.

hopefully the cops dont come busting down my door. I'm sure have at least 500grams for personal use. :P

[katzgrin]

This morning ABC News Radio were reporting that a parrot imported into the United kigdom from South America had died of bird flu. The presenter followed the item by suggesting that John Cleese and Michael Palin were putting out a press release that the bird was only resting. :D

Now I would like to know if a Brazillian parrot is one that has been plucked? :roll:

[Flame]

more likely waxed :D

[unclepete]

A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the empty seats alongside. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he is a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,

"Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.

He says "Good boy."

The airline rep turns to the first man and says,

"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm.

The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man.

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and sh!ts all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"

The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!

[primal]

A timeless classic in all its majesty.

http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail58.html

[jamie]

too tru, strongbad is awesome :D :D :D

[Cartz]

that...is...so...random

[unclepete]

A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Management said, "Someone might steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then management said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people; one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.

Then management said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then management said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper and a payroll officer; then hired two more people.

Then management said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people; an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then management said, "We've had this command in operation for one year now and we're $18,000 over budget. We have to cutback on overall costs."

So they laid off the night watchman.

[frommy]

:lol: :lol:

Reminds me of the most efficient hospital in Great Britain. :fadein: :lol:

[bigfella]

:lol: :lol:

Reminds me of the most efficient hospital in Great Britain. :fadein: :lol:

More like Queensland Health :roll:

[Pat Mole]

2222 posts. :O

[harry]

alot of spare time ?? :o

[bigfella]

Life Explained.

On the first day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door
of your house & bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years & I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span. The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" & God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long & suffer under the sun, have calves & give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty & I'll give back the other forty." & God agreed again.

On the forth day, God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play & enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What?" Only twenty years!Tell you what -- I'll take my twenty, & the forty the cow gave back, & the ten the monkey gave back, & the ten the dog gave back -- that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay, said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play & enjoy ourselves;

for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family;

for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren and

for the last ten years we sit on the front porch & bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you..

[Flehrad]

If you get spam from Nigerian generals and alike, who try to scam you with the whole "I have x dollars in a bank account and would like to share it with you", then take the time to read through and look at this site.

Join the war against 419's!

www.419eater.com

[Mark]

Check out these t-shirts -

www.tshirthell.com

:D

[beetle]

Check out these t-shirts -

www.tshirthell.com

:D

OMFG. :o :rofl: :rofl:

Thanks, best laugh I've had in ages!

[Mark]

You're welcome - enjoying sick humour should always be shared

:D :D

[hoyt for life 2]

while on the subject of t shirts, http://www.atomapparel.co.nz/online_auction/index.shtml
my mate has the one about riding bikes in the adult section, top quality.

[dbjac]

Why ARE Men Happy :

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take
care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be prime minister . You can never be pregnant. You can wear a
white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol
station toilet because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop
and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People
never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional
well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the
time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
guns .

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own
jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more
than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are
unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle
lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and
neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big
hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You
can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice
concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25
relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier

[grantwomack]

A few more to add to that list:

You know cool stuff about tanks.
You find the idea of punting a small dog funny.
You can scratch yourself in public.
If you complain about something, your friends support you, rather than thinking your just being bitchy.

[bigfella]

Do I detect just a hint of jealousy? :wink:

[wiggles]

2 Pictures:

There are two pictures identical to each other; you have to find three
differences. If you can find three differences, then you are part of an
elite group of individuals.

This has been tested on many people, and hardly anyone found the
three differences.

I can only manage to find 2

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf

[The One]

You find the idea of punting a small dog funny.

Or a penguin ;)

[hoyt for life 2]

2 Pictures:

There are two pictures identical to each other; you have to find three
differences.
http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf
i was told that identical ment the same, not the same with a few differences if you feel like it.

[unclepete]

I think this has been posted before, but it's nicely wasted a few rainy Sunday hours - quite addictive:
http://www.hurtwood.demon.co.uk/Fun/copter.swf

[dabrickwall]

Wats the definition of ultimate embarassment?


Running into a brickwall with a hard on and braking your nose first

[unclepete]

Did it hurt?

[Clare Barnes]

An Australian love story...

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula...

"F#*! off" she said, "they're for the wake."

[frommy]

:rofl:

[Mark]

One for the texting couples

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/10/28/bluetooth_device/

:lol:

[Flehrad]

O'Reilly said to Hennessy, "I thought that you were going to visit
that blonde in her flat tonight."

Hennessy said, "I did."

O'Reilly said, "How come you're home early?"

Hennessy said, "Well, we sat awhile and talked. Then,
suddenly she turned out the lights. I can take a hint."

[Mrs StevenB]

MARRIED LIFE
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in
the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that
we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own ****ing blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.

[dabrickwall]

One day a boy walked into a pharmacy. He walked around for a while until he found what he was looking for. He grabbed a box of ribbed condoms, walked up to the checkout lane, and slapped them on the counter. The sales clerk, looking suspiciously at the young boy, said, "Well son, here you go, that'll be

[andrewf87]

Pretty funny

http://www.wimp.com/weatherman/

[chris-andree]

he shure is a disaster :rofl:

[andrewf87]

The best is at the end when the to other reporters act like nothing went wrong lol

[Axilla]

The Invisible Man met an invisible woman, married and had a family.

The kids were nothing to look at either....

[bigfella]

The Invisible Man met an invisible woman, married and had a family.

The kids were nothing to look at either....

Hey, what are you doing back here Ax?? :wink: