Old Light Relief Thread

[CMB50]

I think a thread to provide a little light relief is required at the moment with everything that is going on. So if you've got a funny picture or joke, post away!

Here's one to start off.....

http://www.archery-forum.com/4sale/20030321000730.jpg

[archerypark]

:rofl:

[Ferret]

:lol:

[StevenB]

http://www.archerytalk.com/vb/attachment.php?s=&postid=117818

I think Marcus wanted to get rid of the archery whites, was this what you had in mind?

[StevenB]

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from an Aussie. Amusing!!!

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.


Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...


Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.


Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.


Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?


Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.


Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.


Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?


Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy).
A: Yes, gay night clubs.


Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.


Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.


Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.


Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.


Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[archerypark]

:D

[OldDog]

Way funny :D :D

[Jay Bowden]

Drop bears.Heh Heh :lol: :lol:

[CMB50]

:rofl: very funny!

[StevenB]

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in the City" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

[Alan Loy]

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[StevenB]

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."


:lol:

[Flex]

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

[StevenB]

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at
Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno
mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the
wedding, at the
reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.

He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long
distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to hank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said,
F--- you !!". Then he turned to his bride and said, " F--- you !! " Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, " I'm outta here. " He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after
finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade,
as if nothing
were wrong. His revenge... making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard " priceless " commercial out
of this ??
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends ...$32,000. Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion ... $3,000. Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui ... $8,500. The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man ... Priceless !! There are some things money can't buy; for everything else there's MASTERCARD !!

[Shirt]

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.


Now these three are genius! And the $1-a-beer nights get messy in a hurry. Fortunately, I have discovered a bar where they don't mind you barfing inside, so long as you don't do it on the bar staff.

[StevenB]

Fortunately, I have discovered a bar where they don't mind you barfing inside, so long as you don't do it on the bar staff.

I think I have been there the place is called EROS and the entertainment is dirtier than the vomit :lol:

[Shirt]

Fortunately, I have discovered a bar where they don't mind you barfing inside, so long as you don't do it on the bar staff.

I think I have been there the place is called EROS and the entertainment is dirtier than the vomit :lol:

It's called the University of Bradford Union bar (sorry, mate, it's in the UK). And they did $1-a-beer (well, technically,

[CMB50]

Fortunately, I have discovered a bar where they don't mind you barfing inside, so long as you don't do it on the bar staff.

thats just any good English pub isn't it?? The Barfing is usually bought on by the warm beer!

[Shirt]

I can't hack warm stuff either. But most bars/pubs are beginning to appreciate that when six people who are obviously students walk in, they want something cold.

And from personal experience, the barfing is brought on by one of three things.
1) Drinking too fast.
2) Mixing - beer on whisky, always risky; whisky on beer, never fear.
3) Running from the police.

[grantwomack]

Nothing wrong with slightly warmer beer. I enjoy it cold but not so cold that it numbs your tastebuds. That brings the flavour away from the beer which, in the case of people only out to get drunk, might actually be a good thing! :)

[Shirt]

As is well known, my temperature tolerances are screwed. I want it so cold it cracks your teeth. :lol:

[CMB50]

no. it's gotta be cold. Beer just isn't beer if it isn't cold.
Like the heineken (sp) add, where he has his arm in the tub of ice water, thats how it should be stored.

anyway, cheers! :beer_drink:

[Clare Barnes]

That they are true may not be the case :o , but even though they are long they are worth the read I think .... :lol: :lol:

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington mid term chemistry exam:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate that they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two different possibilities.

(1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
(2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year that "It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I have still not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only "A"!!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Two guys were taking a chemistry class at the University of Alabama. They were doing well in the class and thought that they were going into the final with a solid "A."

They were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they went to the University of Tennessee to party with some friends. They had a great time. However, because they had hangovers, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning, the day of the exam.

Rather than taking the final, they found their professor after it was over and explained why they missed the final. They told him that they went to the University of Tennessee for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but had a flat tyre on the way back. Since they didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time, they were late in getting back to campus.

The professor told them they could make up the final on the following day. They were elated and relieved.

The next day, the professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. The first problem, worth five points, was something simple about Molarity & Solutions.

"Cool," they both thought. "This is going to be easy."

The next problem was worth 95 points. It said, "Which tyre?"

[Zoe]

Early Easter cheer:

http://www.archery-forum.com/4sale/20030415230233.jpg

[Eberbachl]

Buwaahahaha!!! :rofl: Nice one Zoe, it took me about five seconds to get it - and then I just fell off my ball :lol:

[Zoe]

Hmmm....how true:

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how
many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure." The yuppie parked his
car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he
surfed to a NASA page on the internet, where he called up a GPS satellite
navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an
Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, received a response.
Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized
printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586
sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his
car.
Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is,
will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not." answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although
nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give
me back my dog."

[Clare Barnes]

If you want to see a brilliant advert go to:

http://home.attbi.com/~bernhard36/honda-ad.html


Beats dominos any day! :o

This is Honda's new ad campaign called 'cogs'.... truly breath taking.

When you watch it, bear in mind it IS NOT trick photography, and was
taken in one continuous take. Mind you there had been 605 failed takes before they finally got it! :lol: :lol:

[Tony Pearce]

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but gladwrap underpants

The psychiatrist looked at him for a while and said "Well I can clearly see your nuts"

[CMB50]

First grade class comes in from recess. Teacher asks Alice, "What did you do at recess?" Alice says, "I played in the sand box." Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

She does and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Little Johnny what he did at recess. Little Johnny says, "I played with Alice in the sandbox." Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box" correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." Little Johhny tired of being in trouble all the time does, and gets a cookie.

Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess. He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Little Johnny, but he threw rocks at my head." Teacher says, "Threw rocks at your head? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."


:D

[Robert de Bondt]

1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled
him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor
replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
Covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome". "Is it common?" "It's not unusual"

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed,
Is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet,
"let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his
eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? "Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball
stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can
you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's
your oyster, go for it.'

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are
5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my
mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin, Or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu, But I think it's Colin.

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said,
'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when
a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish
search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect
that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[CMB50]

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"



:rofl: 2Dogs and Teelow!!!! :P

[Robert de Bondt]

Monika, eat you heart out :lol:

http://www.archery-forum.com/4sale/20030611224517.jpg

[CMB50]

:o

:rofl:

[mike]

That is ****ing hilarious!!! :lol: :lol:

Now I've got to wipe the Fanta off the computer screen...

[CMB50]

Glad to hear it's just Fanta! :D

[Robert de Bondt]

Some further light relief.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities. (sorry, Ron & Frommy)

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a
year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Capsicum Spray will do that to you.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a mongol baby? They
named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other? A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A
southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get 50 sweet little 80-year-old ladies to say the F#*!
word? Yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A
southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.


:D :roll: :x :( :P :evilbat:

[Robert de Bondt]

http://www.archery-forum.com/4sale/20030616123159.jpg

Bow Hunter's Dream :lol:

[OldDog]

What do clouds and women have in common??

When they piss off you are sure to have a fine day :o :o

[Clare Barnes]

What do clouds and women have in common??

When they piss off you are sure to have a fine day :o :o

Must be great weather round your way then Noel.... :o

[OldDog]

Not really, Live in a raincoat here, some question the true motivation behind it tho. :o :o :boobies:

[Robert de Bondt]

Noel,
You seem to be a man used to tough decisions :lol:


http://www.archery-forum.com/4sale/20030616142129.jpg

[OldDog]

Usually both Robert, in order from left to right. :rofl:

Wombat... eats roots and leaves.

[Robert de Bondt]

:rofl:

[Clare Barnes]

NEVER ARGUE WITH A CHILD.................

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl relied, "They will in a minute."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip biscuits. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Flehrad]

What do you call a deer that can't see?
No idea

What do you call a deer that can't see, without legs?
Still no idea

What do you call a deer that can't see, without legs and can't reproduce?
Still no f**king idea!
----
What do you call a cow without legs?
Ground beef
----
What is the difference between the Effiel Tower and Joan of Arc?
One is made of metal, the other is Maid of Orleans
----
Did you hear that noise this morning?
I thought it was the break of day, but no, it was the crack of dawn!
----
What goes black white black white black white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
----
A man walks into a bar with a peice of bituman under his arm.
He orders two whiskeys, and the barman asks why.
He replies "One for me, and one for the road".
----
What is brown and looks sticky?
A brown stick!

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung.

[Jay Bowden]

What goes, pphhhhiiiiiittttttttt-thunk.
The sound of an arrow hitting flehrad's head. :lol:

Pretty sad effort, I think clare did a better job .

[Randall Wellings]

How does one get an elderly woman to yell "oh f**k"

Get the one beside her to yell "BINGO!!"

cheers

[Flehrad]

Hey, I never said they were good un's
besides, it should be a
pfffttt-thock.
I'm not dense enough to make a thunk noise :lol:

[Shirt]

Not good at all - they're all bloody Christmas Cracker jokes.

[Marcus]

2 weevals grew up together till one day one went on to become a high priced lawyer, the other went on to become a factory worker. The second was known as the lesser of two weevals.

[Bobby Yeoh]

One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing,he
stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine he noticed a
sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked thewaiter,
"What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, youhave
excellent taste! Those are bulls balls from the bull fight this
morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, when he learned the
origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring mean
order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one
serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. Ifyou
come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to
serve you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was
served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a fewbites,
and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiterand
said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve
yesterday!" The waiter promptly replied, "Si senor!" "Sometimes the
bull wins!"

.................................................. ......

Probably have to think back a few years for some of these company trademarks:

>Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or
sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would
probably advertise more openly. Imagine the trademarks:
>
>Nike Condoms: Just do it
>
>Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling
>
>Ford Condoms: The ride of your life
>
>Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
>
>Optus Condoms: Yes!
>
>KFC Condoms: Finger Lickin' Good
>
>M&M's Condoms: Melt in your mouth, not in your hands
>
>Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going
>
>Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop
>
>Sydney Olympic Condoms: Share the Spirit
>
>Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day
>
>Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum - (available in Tasmania only)
>
>Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected
>
>VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now
>
>Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it....
>
>Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek - (target gay market)
>
>Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?
>
>Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together.
>
>Quicken Condoms: Quicken.Easy
>
>The following brands would probably not sell very well..... then
again...!
>
>Dunlop Condoms: Stick with Dunlop
>
>Mitsubishi Condoms: Please consider
>
>AFL Condoms: I'd Like to See That
>
>Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year....
>
>Samboy Condoms: The flavour really hits you
>
>TAC Condoms: Speed kills
>
>Nobby's Condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts
>
>Ericsson Condoms: Smaller
>
>Bolle Condoms: Put them on your face
>
>TAG HEUER Condoms: Don't crack under pressure
>
>Calvin Klein Condoms: Obsession for Men, Eternity for Women
>
>FOSSIL Condoms: It's about time
>
>Kahlua Condoms: Drink the rhythm
>
>Aussie Homeloans Condoms: We'll save you
>
>Red Rooster Condoms: The Chicken is Ready!
>
>Weet Bix Condoms: Aussie Kids....

.................................................. ............................

Two girls are walking along when they hear...
"Psst! Down here!"
They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket.
The other girl said, "What did you do that for?"
The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!"

.................................................. .............................

[Robert de Bondt]

http://www.archery-forum.com/4sale/20030619105810.jpg


Now at your local archery shop :lol:

[Flex]

> The Talking Frog
> ================
> A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
> "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
> He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
> The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
> beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and
> how you are my hero" The man took the frog out
> of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke
> up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
> princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire
> week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
> The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
> I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man
> took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back
> into his pocket.
> Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
> beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you
> want. Why won't you kiss me?"
> The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for
> a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

[stodrette]

Don't Drink the Water

The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it ejaculates,

but only 10% of that, actually makes it into his mate.

So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean every time one unloads,

and you wonder why the ocean is so salty... Don't Drink the water.

:angel:

[CMB50]

ewww!!! :o :oops: :puppydogeyes:

[Shirt]

Haaaa! ROFL :lol: :lol:

[stodrette]

Got a couple more for you

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become
detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the
first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because
he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his
profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the
picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your
suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too
easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of
course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his
profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with? Extremely frustrated
at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy
voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly
adds"...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm
... the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't
know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer . wait here for a few minutes
while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file
in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I
can't believe it ... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact
lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses
because he only has one eye and one ear."

------------
>A couple goes on a vacation to a fishing resort in
>northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the
>crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
>
>One morning the husband returns after several hours of
>fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not
>familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the
>boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors
>and continues to read her book undisturbed. Along
>comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up
>alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am.
>What are you doing?"
>
>"Reading a book," she replies (thinking "isn't that
>obvious?")
>
>"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
>
>
>"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing,I'm reading."
>
>
>"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to
>take you in and write you up."
>
>"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual
>assault," says the woman.
>
>"But I haven't even touched you," says the game
>warden.
>
>"That's true, but you have all the equipment."
>
>MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's
>likely she can also think.

[stodrette]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK.
- She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER.
- She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not EASY.
- She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She is not DUMB.
- She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND.
- She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIRHEAD.
- She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY.
- She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS.
- She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU.
- She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT.
- She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS
- She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE.
- She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

> >
> > HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT.
- He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER.
- He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME.
- He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING.
- He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER.
- He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK.
- He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS.
- He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG.
- He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT.
- He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
10. He is not HORNY.
- He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
11. It's not his crack you see hanging out of his pants.....
- It is REAR CLEAVAGE

[2Dogs]

http://www.archery-forum.com/4sale/20030621221408.jpg

[2Dogs]

http://www.archery-forum.com/4sale/20030621221539.jpg

[2Dogs]

http://www.archery-forum.com/4sale/20030621221631.jpg

[2Dogs]

http://www.archery-forum.com/4sale/20030621221729.jpg

[2Dogs]

http://www.archery-forum.com/4sale/20030621221807.jpg

[2Dogs]

http://www.archery-forum.com/4sale/20030621221857.jpg

[stodrette]

Paul!
Always figured you were a little girlish..... :o

You were sooooo cute as a little girl!!!!!

what happened? :wink:

[2Dogs]

AMERICANS ANNOYED BY "ALL THIS
INTERNATIONAL ****" ON INTERNET
Web's Increasingly Worldly Flavor Threatens Americans' Worldview

PULLMAN, WASH. (SatireWire.com)

[Flex]

3 nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really hot day
and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they wear so
they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked. Later they
heard a knock on the door....
>
"Who is it?????", The man who knocked replied, "I'm the blind man".
So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them.
The nuns let him into the room.... The man then looked around the room,
then looked at them and said, "nice tits sisters, where do you want the
blinds??"
>

[Robert de Bondt]

A man and a woman who have never met before find
themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to
get to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.
In the middle of the night the man leans over and
says, "I'm sorry, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you
could possibly pass me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye,
says, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," laughs the man.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own f...ing blanket!"
:angel: :oops:

[recurve boy]

Q: How many gears does a French tank have?

A: 5. 1 to go forwards and 4 to reverse. The one to go forwards is incase they get attacked from behind.

[Flex]

On a business trip in Mexico, three men get drunk and wake up in jail to learn they will be executed, although none of them can recall what they did to deserve it.
The first man put in the electric chair is asked for his last words. "I'm from Yale Divinity School, and believe in the power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."
The switch is thrown, but nothing happens. The jailers figure God wants the man alive and they let him go.
The second man is strapped in. "I'm from Harvard Law School, and believe in the power of justice to intervene on behalf of the innocent."
The switch is thrown; again, nothing. The jailers think the law is on this man's side, so they let him go.
The last man says, "Well, I'm an electrical engineer from MIT, and you're not electrocuting anybody if you don't connect those two loose wires down there."

[2Dogs]

http://www.archery-forum.com/4sale/20030703210554.jpg

[Jay Bowden]

Here's a little story my cousin posted on his web site recently.
Quite amusing I thought :lol:

Two Points!

We have a bit of a tradition in our house, it's grown over time to be more of an institution though.

Our house is located on the corner of two dead end streets, it's wonderful since it means although we live a mere 15 minute walk from the CBD we get pretty much zero through traffic. I say pretty much because we do occassionaly get someone, by mistake, enter our little land of dead ends thinking their can go somewhere.

It's these people who allow us to play a little game. If they come up the street, realise it's a dead end, do a u-turn and then head directly back down to the main drag where they entered; they score us 1 point. Our big fun is whena mental gianta tears up the first street, skreech their tires, toss the u-turn and then turn into the 2nd dead end street, skreech to a halt once again, make another u-turn and zoom off back around the corner and back out to the main street. It's then that we get to yell out two poooiiintsaaa!, obviously accompanied by the holding up of two fingers.

On big days, such as Australia Day we've racked up some 30+ points in a day of hanging around out on the deck. We were some what surprised by the fact that we racked up well over 40 during the recent Greek Festival.

Big totals aside for the moment though, since the other night I was amazed to be awoken at 5am by the god damn noisest two point effort I've ever seen. I climbed out of bed and draw back my curtain to see a fully loaded semi trailer reversing into the second street after coming up the first road and finding out the hard way that it didn't lead anywhere. The noises coming from this trucks breaks and engine had stirred not just myself but a few on lookers from across the road.

We watched on in awe as the truck driver completed his series of reversing, turning and edging forward moves to finally get free of our little maze of dead ends. As he made his final turn, just as I was opening my door and about to holla our well known cry and wave my two fingers around in the air, I was startled to see and hear the girl across the road yelling "TWO ****ING POINTS!" as she leaned out her window.

I love our neighbours. I hope they love us too

[Clare Barnes]

Now, while you're sitting at the desk in front of the computer try this....


Make clockwise circles with your right foot......

While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.....

What direction is your foot going now? :o :( :o


Okay, you can give up and go back to browsing the Forum now..... :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Robert de Bondt]

Now, while you're sitting at the desk in front of the computer try this....


Make clockwise circles with your right foot......

While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.....

What direction is your foot going now? :o :( :o


Okay, you can give up and go back to browsing the Forum now..... :lol: :lol: :lol:

You must be bloody bored :lol: Why don't you start knitting some baby booties for "you know who" on this forum 8)

[Clare Barnes]

You must be bloody bored :lol: Why don't you start knitting some baby booties for "you know who" on this forum 8)

Only cos Z** won't tell me what color she wants knitted..... :o :wink: :D

[2Dogs]

oh you mean ZOE

[Zoe]

You guys really need to work on your timing.

[Clare Barnes]

You guys really need to work on your timing.

Tell us when then....we're always happy to repeat it!!! :o :D :lol:

(In advance would be fun.... :wink: )

[Zoe]

How Jim's daughters were told the real truth about Santa:


1) There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in
the world, however since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu,

Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas
night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population
reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per
household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at
least one good child in each.

2) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels
east to west(which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per
second. This is to say, that for every Christian household with a good
child, Santa has around 1/1000 of a second to park the sleigh, hop out,
jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining
presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get

back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed
around the earth (which of course, we know to be false, but will accept
for the purpose of our calculations).

We are talking about 1.25 km per household, a total of 120.8 million
km, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is
moving
at 1040 km per second........3,000 times the speed of sound. For
purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space
probe,
moves at a poky 43.8 km per second, and a conventional reindeer can
run (at best) 25 km per hour.

3) The pay load of the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium Lego set (two
pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting
Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than
300 pounds, even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten
times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine
of them......Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the
payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or
roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth 2 (the ship, not
the monarch).

4) 600,000 tons traveling at 1040 km per second creates enormous air
resistance....this would heat up the lead reindeer in the same fashion
as a space shuttle re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each.

In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing
the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their
wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26
thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the
fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a

result of accelerating from a dead stop to 1040 km/s in .001 seconds,
would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 G's. A 250 pound
Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the
sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and
organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

5) Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

[2Dogs]

This one comes from the Spelling Queen

Go to your Google search and type in "miserable failure".

Then click on the "I'm feeling lucky" search button, instead of the usual search button.

I had a chuckle :lol:

[unclepete]

A duke is hunting in a forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he comes upon a tree. Archery targets are painted all over it, and smack in the middle of each is an arrow. "Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cries the duke. "I must find him."

After continuing through the forest for a few miles, he comes across a small boy named 2dogs carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually 2dogs admits that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets. "You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asks the duke worriedly. "No my lord. I shot them from 100 paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."

"That is truly astonishing," says the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service. But I must ask one favor in return. You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."

"Well," said 2dogs, "first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it."

[unclepete]

This one comes from the Spelling Queen

Go to your Google search and type in "miserable failure".

Then click on the "I'm feeling lucky" search button, instead of the usual search button.

I had a chuckle :lol:

ROFLMAO

[2Dogs]

:rofl: that's the way I'm going to get my 1400 too!....shoot my arrows in the butt, and shift the target accordingly :wink:

[OldDog]

Gosh you're silly Zoe, dontcha know time stands still for Santa while it keeps going for the rest of us. :o :o

[CMB50]

3) The pay load of the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium Lego set (two
pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting
Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than
300 pounds, even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten
times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine
of them......Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the
payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or
roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth 2 (the ship, not
the monarch).

4) 600,000 tons traveling at 1040 km per second creates enormous air
resistance....this would heat up the lead reindeer in the same fashion
as a space shuttle re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each.



Now this aspect alone is mind boggling enough in itself. The payload of santa's sleigh, assuming it has been trimmed by properly trained elves before take off in the North Pole, would be quite impressive. It would take 21.73 Boeing 727 aircraft at a maximum payload of 23,000kg, to fly this equivilent amount of freight around. It takes 2.5 hours to organise, trim and load a 727 so to do 22 would take nearly 55 hours. Therefore everything would have to be packed and ready to go on the 22nd Dec.
Thats one mighty big sleigh!! :D

(see, i too am full of useless information! :wink: )

Go to your Google search and type in "miserable failure".

Then click on the "I'm feeling lucky" search button, instead of the usual search button.

I had a chuckle

:rofl: very funny. Someone at google has a sense of humour!

[StevenB]

It takes 2.5 hours to organise, trim and load a 727 so to do 22 would take nearly 55 hours.


no it would still only take 2.5 hours you would have 22 times the amount of workers :D

[unclepete]

It takes 2.5 hours to organise, trim and load a 727 so to do 22 would take nearly 55 hours.


no it would still only take 2.5 hours you would have 22 times the amount of workers :D

Ooooh - queuing theory. Where's Mr Park when you need him :D :D

[CMB50]

It takes 2.5 hours to organise, trim and load a 727 so to do 22 would take nearly 55 hours.


no it would still only take 2.5 hours you would have 22 times the amount of workers :D

Yes, thanks for pointing out the bleeding obvious! :roll: Let's not let the truth ruin a good story now will we? :D :P

Anyway, with all the elves busy making all these bloody presents, how many can really be spared to load the sleigh??

[Clare Barnes]

www.playingsafely.co.uk/12stisofchristmas/12-STIs.html

and/or

http://ww10.e-tractions.com/snowglobe/globe.htm may amuse some of you for a few minutes! :D

[CMB50]

www.playingsafely.co.uk/12stisofchristmas/12-STIs.html



:rofl: I was singing along after a while!! :lol:



http://ww10.e-tractions.com/snowglobe/globe.htm may amuse some of you for a few minutes! :D



endless amusment!

[James Park]

Queueing Theory?
Yes, I have a book on that - remarkably full of statistics.

[OldDog]

Imagine that :o

[unclepete]

Tony and Luigi were hunting. After a few hours, they realized they were hopelessly lost.

Tony said, "I heard somewhere that if you fire a shot into the air someone will come to your aid."

They fired one shot but nobody came. They fired again and again, to no avail. Starting to panic, Tony said, "Try one more time."

Luigi replied, "Okay, but we're almost out of arrows."

[Flex]

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next
to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks
at his watch for a moment.
> The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No,"
he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just
testing it."
> >
> The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it
says you're not wearing any panties...." Bond says.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!"
> >
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast!"
> >

[unclepete]

I wasn't going to post any more than one each day, but I couldn't help myself :D


It was the middle of summer. 2Dogs was on his way to an archery comp and blew through a speed trap. A Queensland Highway Patrol gave chase and 2Dogs, knowing that it would be impossible to explain 4 bows and 14 Carter release aids (identical except for the colour) turned south and went for it.

As soon as 2Dogs crossed the border into NSW, the cop slammed to a stop and got out of his car swearing profusely.

A tourist standing at the NSW/Qld state sign taking the obligatory photos went over to the cop and asked him why he stopped.

Furious, the cop turned to the tourist and snarled in reply,
"Are you stupid?. He's in NSW now. They're an hour ahead of us, so I'll never be able to catch him."

[Harald]

Whatever might happen to cute small animals??

http://www.happytreefriends.com

8)

[Mark]

Thought this might be appropriate for some in the forum (you know who you are :lol: -


Needs a rich Greek accent


A guy goes back to Greece to visit his uncle Spiro who takes him on a tour of his village to show him the sights. As they walk along Spiro says
"You see this road, I build it with my owna hands, I cleara da land, I lay the gravel, but do they call me Spiro the road builder...................NO!!!".
Walking a bit further
"You see that church, I build it with my owna hands, from da foundations to da roof, da walls and da windows. But do they call me Spiro the church builder ................NO!!!".
A bit further still
"You see that dock witha da boats, I build it with my owna hands, I cut the timbers, I fix in place. But do they call me Spiro the dockbuilder...................NO!!!".
"You see dose boats, that one and that one I build dem with my owna hands. But do they call me Spiro the boatbuilder...................NO!!!".







But you ****a one a goat !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Flex]

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a f****n' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a f****n' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a f****n' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

[Marcus]

Whatever might happen to cute small animals??

http://www.happytreefriends.com

8)
That's good stuff, love 'Eye Candy'

[Mike13]

Handy :rofl:

[Flex]

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace

looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard

a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble

shop."
So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I

think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a

great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God

he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals improve my abilities?" The Pakistani man

replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb. The sandals will prove it to you." Well, the husband,

after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped

them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in

many years: raw sexual power!
In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a

table, yanked down the man's pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of the Pakistani's

thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming,
"YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

[Clare Barnes]

I found this link on the Sagittarius Archery BB ....... :D

http://www.infonegocio.com/xeron/bruno/olympics.html

[CMB50]

I found this link on the Sagittarius Archery BB ....... :D

http://www.infonegocio.com/xeron/bruno/olympics.html


WHAT!?! You mean you've been seeing other Archery Forums behind our back! Traitor! :o :fist:


:wink:

[unclepete]

I found this link on the Sagittarius Archery BB ....... :D

http://www.infonegocio.com/xeron/bruno/olympics.html

:rofl:

That was really clever - funny stuff

[Flex]

Acutal Court case questions and answers..

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't
know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice,
which I
sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
somewhere.

[unclepete]

Hunting Elephants

MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.

PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

DATABASE ADMINISTRATORS do not need to go out and capture elephants when they can retrieve them simply with an ad hoc query:

SELECT * FROM AFRICAN_CRITTERS
2 WHERE CRITTER_TYPE = 'TERRESTRIAL'
3 AND SIZE = 'LARGE'
4 AND COLOUR = 'GRAY'
5 AND TRUNK = 'YES'
6 AND ODOUR IS NOT NULL;

ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching grey animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

SYSTEMS INTEGRATION ENGINEERS are not so concerned with hunting elephants as with creating a seamless interface between the elephants and their environment.

ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet colour to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a non-pre-hunted elephant, (in other words, a live one) the staff will:

1. Compliment the vice president's keen eyesight
2. Enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them grey, and sell them as desktop elephants.

[Guy]

Dogs and fireworks ....

www.tcag.asn.au/pepe.wmv

[OldDog]

:rofl: He's shootin at cats. That is too funny

[unclepete]

Ever read "The Loaded Dog"?

:rofl:


http://whitewolf.newcastle.edu.au/words/authors/L/LawsonHenry/prose/joewilsonandmates/loadeddog.html

[OldDog]

First thing that came to my mind too pete, Hennry lawson's funniest short story. :D :D

[toxic_rabbit]

Actual Court case questions and answers..

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
somewhere.

I can verify this one, I know the guy that was appearing for the Defence
their are some severely worrying lawyers out there

[Oldtimer]

Virus alert.

BE ON THE LOOK OUT FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:
* CLINTON VIRUS: Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
* VIAGRA VIRUS: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
* LEWINSKY VIRUS: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.
* RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
* MIKE TYSON VIRUS: Quits after two bytes.
* OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
* DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Deletes all old files.
* ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS: Disks can no longer be inserted.
* TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus): Your whole computer goes down.
* DISNEY VIRUS: Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
* PROZAC VIRUS: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
* ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates some files, leaves, but it will be back.
* LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS: Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

[unclepete]

Is Windows a virus?


No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1. They replicate quickly
- okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so
- okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk
- okay, Windows does that too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
- Sigh... Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
- Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

[unclepete]

This virus works on the honour system.

Please forward this message to everyone you know and then delete all the files on your hard disk.

Thank you for your cooperation.

[unclepete]

Good King Wenceslas phoned Pizza Hut with his order.

Asked the attendant: "Is that the usual, Your Majesty ?"

"Yes," replied the King, "deep pan, crisp and even."

[enseth]

THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS (yes, the human being is still
devolving)

1st prize: When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at
his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach,
California, would be robber James Elliot did something that
can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried
the trigger again. This time it worked...

And now, the honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a
meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around,
submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company,
suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a
look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for
his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his
Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably,
he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean
bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed
to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not
wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a
nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free
ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental
hospital, telling the staff that the patients were verye
xcitable and prone to
bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3
days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from
serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When
asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that
he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head
to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on
the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the
cashdrawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash
in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man
took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill
on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the
drawer... $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you
money, is a crime committed?)

7. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski
mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the
thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A **** UP!"
For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the sniggers
started. The security guard completely lost it and doubled
over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been
about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired
before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at
large. In memory of the event, the banker later put
a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze,
mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"

8. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
decided that he'd just throw a cinderblockt hrough a liquor
store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the
cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The
cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was
made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

9. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store,
a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911
immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed
description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police
apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove
back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car
and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he
replied," Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole
the purse from."

10. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m.,
flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down
because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a
food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said
they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated,
walked away. A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

11. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor
home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he
bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very
sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to
steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor
home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle
declined to press
charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

[CMB50]

The World according to Student Bloopers

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?". God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarach who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became Intolerable. Achilles appears in the Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote the Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbours were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offence.

In medieval times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, "who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head."

The Renaissance was an age in which mere individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "Hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived ad Windsor with his merry wives writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Iliote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Ni

[Flex]

Some great lines there CMB50 :D

Survivor: Southern Style
Damn Reality Shows

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern tv stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled "Survivor: Southern Style."
The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana. Finally ending up back over in Alabama.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read:
I'm Gay, I'm a Vegetarian, NASCAR Sucks, Go Yankees! Smoking is for Idiots, Hillary in 2004, Deer Hunting is Murder ,and I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns! The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins

[unclepete]

Kinda cheesey, but I can think of a few 'Taters'...

http://www.bluequaker.com/tater_people.htm

[Marshie]

If you remember Abbott & Costello with their interactive "Who's on First" skit, then try to imagine them today doing the same thing but about computers.


(Bud Abbott): Hello, this is the Ultimate Computer Store. Can I help you?

(Lou Costello): Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.

Mac?

No, the name is Lou.

Your computer?

I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

Mac?

I told you, my name is Lou.

What about Windows?

Why? Does it get stuffy?

Do you want a computer with Windows?

I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

Wallpaper.

Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

Software that runs on Windows?

No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

Office.

Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

I just did.

You just did what?

Recommended something.

You recommended something?

Yes.

For my office?

Yes.

Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

Office.

Yes, for my office.

Office for Windows.

I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

Word.

If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?

Word.

What word?

The Word in Office.

The only word in office is office.

The Word in Office for Windows.

Which word in "office for windows?"

The Word you get when you click the blue W.

I'm going to click your blue W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

RealOne.

Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?

RealOne.

If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

Of course.

Great! With what?

RealOne.

Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

You click the blue 1.

I click the blue one what?

The blue 1.

Is that different from the blue W?

Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.

What word?

The Word in Office for Windows.

But there's three words in "office for windows!"

No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

It is?

Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

And that word is the real one?

No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.

Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?

Money.

That's right. What do you have?

Money.

I need money to track my money?

No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.

What comes bundled with my computer?

Money.

Money comes bundled with my computer?

Exactly. No extra charge.

I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?

Just one copy.

I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

Microsoft can license you to make money?

Why not? They own it.

Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

Well, what do you sell in its place?

Money.

You sell money?

Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.

That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

Simply Accounting.

Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

Mind Your Own Business.

I beg your pardon?

No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money.

Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.

More money?

More than Money. Money can't do everything.

I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

GoBack.

Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

GoBack.

How many times do I have to repeat myself?

I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.

How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

Word.

But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.

But there are three words in...Oh, never mind.

Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Hello, Ultimate Computer Store. Can I help you?

[unclepete]

:rofl:

I love it (and the original)

:rofl:

[Clare Barnes]

This one is doing the rounds again with a few updates......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I AM, YOU ARE, WE ARE AUSTRALIAN


As we are about to close the doors on 2003 and reflect on the Rugby, the Davis Cup, Steve Waugh and the Indian Test, Labor leaders past and present; perhaps it's timely to remember who we really are. WE, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but we're divided into many states.


First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, caf

[unclepete]

:D :D :D :D

One of my favourites, Clare.

[2Dogs]

A Man's Revenge!!! A mans revenge...

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & Women differ so much.

And I've never figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing.
And, I've never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

And, I've never yet figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil,
when it hears the words "I do".
Anyway, one evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed and just as the passion starts to heat up,
she comes off with. . "Sorry. I just don't feel like it right now. I just want you to hold me" .

I said, "WHAT?"

Then she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads.
She says that I'm just not in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

I'm thinking, "Did I miss something here? What was her first clue?"
I finally realised that nothing was going to happen, so I went off to sleep.

The very next day we (!) went shopping at a Harvey Nichols, I walked around while my wife tried on three very expensive, top notch outfits. She looked the business in each one and she couldn't decide which one to take, so I said "go on, take all three".

Then she said that she wanted some matching shoes worth

[unclepete]

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

[chopper]

http://www.geelongwildcats.asn.au/arc/jonny.jpg

[unclepete]

It's National "Take Your Child to Work" day

http://www.mjc.com.au/unclepete/files/hmmm3807-0.JPG

[mbomike]

:rofl:
That'll teach the little begger to want to watch dady and the Stewardess

[unclepete]

One Saturday morning the angler gets up early, dresses quietly and goes to fetch his car. Coming out of his garage the rain is like a torrential downpour, with snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing at 50 mph. So he changes his mind, returns the car to the garage and comes back into the house. He quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies.................

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that **** ?"

[frommy]

Peter,

The standard is dropping greatly of late from you. You spend all day f***ing around with computers, then come home and post some lame joke on the forum. :-?

You need more archery in your life 8) , (like I do) :(

[ec]

here's a good one for the cat lovers :lol:

http://www.richsalter.btinternet.co.uk/cks2/index2.html

[Harald]

Best web game in ages... :rofl:

[Flame]

http://www.users.on.net/wwwsys/Images/Forum/deaddonk.jpg

[CMB50]

I'm certain that was Flame i blasted the crap out of on level 2!! :D :2gunfire:

[2Dogs]

Round 6...LOVE IT :D:D

The Ginger ones looked like that Evil Thing CLare has :D

[Harald]

I'm certain that was Flame i blasted the crap out of on level 2!! :D :2gunfire:

Thank you CMB Your Cheque is in the mail.... :rofl:

[Flame]

Missed me missed me Cam :fist: :D


and to you donk :fist: :fist: :D

[OldDog]

I'm certain that was Flame i blasted the crap out of on level 2!! :D :2gunfire:

Couldnt have been. I got him on the first shot. 8)

[Flame]

And you missed too :D

[OldDog]

no way. We've just blown the **** out of 2 of your nine. :snipersmile:
7 to go pussycat. 8)