JOKES!!! HUMOUR!!! LAUGH!!!!

[GaryH]

INEXPERIENCED CURRY TASTER
Notes From an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Durban, South Africa from the U.S.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:
______________________________________
Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy sh!t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy.
________________________________
Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
____________________________________________
Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh!t-faced from all the beer.
_________________________
Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?
__________________________________
Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed hospital treatment. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really p!sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
_________________________________
Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh!t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that cow Savathree; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
______________________________________
Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh!t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
_______________________________
Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[GaryH]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his Donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

[GaryH]

A couple of bushwalkers are out on a trek when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his mobile and calls 000. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The 000 operator, in a calm, soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

.....There is a silence, then over the phone line a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now
what?"

[GaryH]

Doctor Jeff had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him:




"Jeff, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go......"




But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:






"Jeff. you're a vet...." :P

[GaryH]

A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his Mom is preparing a meal and says: "Mom, the last few nights I wake 'cause of all the noise coming out of your bedroom and when I looked to see what it is, you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?"

The startled mother recovers quickly and says, "Your dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."

The little kid just shakes his head and says, "Mom, you're wasting your time, because that nicelooking lady next door comes over and blows
daddy right back up again!"

[GaryH]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman
who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to
handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told
him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox,
and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too.

[GaryH]

Guys, does this sound familiar???

There were these three guys who like to go deer hunting every year. So they hire a guy to fly them to this remote forest. They all split up to do their hunting, have a successful day, and meet back at the plane each carrying a buck. Well, they loaded up the plane, and as the pilot started up the engine, he said to the men, "I don't think she'll be able to get off the ground with this load."

Two of the men looked disappointed, but the third quickly sponded, "Don't worry about it, we caught the same amount last year, and we got off the ground no problem."

So the pilot said OK, and the plane started down the runway, and sure enough got off the ground. But then the plane started to make some strange noises, and it crashed in the woods.

The next thing they knew, the three men and the pilot were in the middle of the plane wreckage, but in relatively good health. One of the men asked, "Any idea where we are?"

The other man said, "I don't know, but I think we're about a mile or two from where we crashed last year."

[GaryH]

Sean had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Sean".

Sean replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Sean spins around on his
stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Feck my dog" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorjamb. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "I'm feckin fooked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door jamb, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No feckin way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, "If I can just make it to the bed...". He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says, "Fook it" and crawls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Sean. Did you have a bit to drink last night then?"
Sean says, "I did Mary. I was feckin fooked. How'd you know?"

"You've left your Feckin wheelchair at the pub."

[Eberbachl]

:lol: bbbwwwaaahhahahhaahhhahhhhahhhhaaaaa :lol:

You weren't kidding when you said jokes were you GaryH???

How can I compete with that onslaught? :o

[GaryH]

Luke,
So long as you get a laugh out of them, I'm happy. BTW I'm not finished yet, read on.....

[GaryH]

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten year-old son in the apartment was to send him out
on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An
ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. :oops:


"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied. :P

[GaryH]

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St Peter showed up, they asked him. St Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go and find out." and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer ... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?" After yet another month, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St Peter, red faced with anger, slams his clipboard on to the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH COME ON!!" St Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here!! Do you have ANY idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"

[GaryH]

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea.

He calls his father.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
...And his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked,...

'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' "

The father says, "Oh, ****; I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

[GaryH]

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,
"What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers,"A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the
face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,

"Um, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE' ." :roll:

[GaryH]

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy

[GaryH]

Toward the end of the golf course, Fred hit his ball into the woods. Harry,
his partner laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long time,
getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.

All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life...as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for ANYTHING the rest of your life! Then POOF! ...she was gone.

After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Harry, Harry
where are you? Harry yells back, I'm over here, in the pussywillows. Fred screams back ...DON'T SWING, HARRY!!! For God's sake, DON'T SWING!!!!!!!! :lol:

[GaryH]

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the Wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring!
The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. He wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!

[GaryH]

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come come to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman!" 8) :lol:

[GaryH]

A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine," the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."

"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

[GaryH]

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.

She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend :o yells, "No, honey, don't do it."

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" :roll:

[GaryH]

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says,

"You dummy, it's me!" :o :roll:

[GaryH]

A man had great tickets for the FA cup final. As he sat down, another man came along and asked if anyone was sitting in the seat next to him. "No" he says. "The seat is empty."

"That is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first FA Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour - to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

[GaryH]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of year 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. :-?

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators... :D

[GaryH]

A gynaecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So he found out from the local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a mark of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.

"I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

[GaryH]

You Must Have a Sense of Humour
Students at the LSU Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They were all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor - the first is that it is necessary that you not be disgusted."

The professor uncovered the body, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it and sucked his finger. :-?

Go ahead and do the same thing." he told his students.

The students freaked out :o , hesitated and subsequently took turns sticking their fingers in the butt of the body and sucking their finger after withdrawing it from the rectum.

When everybody was finished, the professor looked at them and told them, "The second important quality is observation. I stuck my middle finger in and sucked my index finger. :P

Pay attention people!!!!!" :oops: :cry:

[GaryH]

Doctors are now prescribing Viagra together with Prozac....

so...


if you don't get one :wink: , you don't give one :cry: .

[GaryH]

A young punk gets on the crosstown bus. He's got spiked, multicolored
hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags.

His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from and man who just glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man. "What are you looking at you old fart......didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got Really drunk in Singapore and screwed a parrot".

"I thought maybe you were my Son." :P :lol: 8)

[GaryH]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, and having long been suspicious anyway, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle."

"You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said.
"Well, I doubt it, but write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote,

"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you "did" take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you "did not" take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read,

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now".

"Love Mum."

[GaryH]

Dear Wife:

You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.

Your Husband.

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.


Your Wife. 8)

[GaryH]

An Penguin is driving when his car starts to make a noise. He takes it to the garage and the mechanic looks at it. "Hmm, looks like you've blown a seal."

"No, no" says the Penguin all embarassed," it's just frost on my moustache."
_________________________________

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?

About eight pints of beer.
_________________________________

What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?

Toast is brown on both sides.
_________________________________

Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?

They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.
_________________________________

What's the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during an orgasm!
_________________________________

Why do women close their eyes during sex?

They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
_________________________________

Why does the bride always wear white?

Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
_________________________________

Why did the woman cross the road?

The question is not why did the woman cross the road, the question is, How the did she get out of the kitchen and where the hell did she get those shoes from!!!!
_________________________________

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it. :wink:

[GaryH]

A pig's org-asm lasts for 30 minutes.
(mmm...)

The ant can lift 50 times it's own weight, can pull 30 times its own and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(Still not over that pig thing?)

A cockroach will live 9 days without its head, before it starves to death.
(creepy!)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sexx by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home! What the...")

Some lions mate 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig...quality over quantity!)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(oh, geez!)

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing.....)

A cat's ur-ine glows under a black light.
(What's a black light?!?! Is it like a white light without the light? Ultra-violet...stupid!)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that)

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too!)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew...? Who cares?!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sexx for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling? What about the pig?)

[GaryH]

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape (no pun intended). He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him", he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. :o


"Now, tell HIM you have a headache." :wink: :P

[GaryH]

1. How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

2. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

4. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me. . ."

5. How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

6. Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

8. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

9. I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

10. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

11. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

12. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.

13. Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring
Wedding Ring
Suffering.

14. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

15. Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

16. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son.

17. A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

18. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

19. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.


20. Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

[GaryH]

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan :evil: : Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!

:evil: : Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
:evil: : Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

:evil: : You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
:evil: : All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow... that's awesome!

:evil: : I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
:evil: : Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow.

:evil: :What about Drugs?!?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
:evil: : That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!


:evil: : You gay?
Guy: No... :-?

:evil: : (grimaces). Oooooooh... Then you're really gonna hate Fridays.
:o :oops: :o

[GaryH]

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom. The man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.

The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman as beautiful as you in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"

"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom." :-?

[GaryH]

I'VE LEARNED...

...that you cannot make someone
love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up
trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to
destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm
for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd
better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare
yourself to others - they are
more f@#ked up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long
after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for
what we do, unless we are either intoxicated,
politicians or celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and
steamy a relationship is at first, the
passion fades, and there had better
be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you
don't expect to kick you when you're down will
be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad
friends because their dysfunction makes
us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to
protect your children, they will eventually
get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned to say "F@#k 'em if they can't take a joke" --
in 6 languages.

[GaryH]

A New Zealander school teacher explains to her class that she is an All Blacks fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are All Blacks fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not an All Blacks fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not an All Blacks fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am a Wallabies fan, and proud of it," Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why are you a Wallabies fan?"
"Because my mum is a Wallabies fan, and my dad is a Wallabies fan, so I'm Wallabies fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a Wallabies fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"

"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be an All Blacks fan."

[GaryH]

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says,

"I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa! I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

[GaryH]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was up to, he asked in his friendliest way, "What are you up to, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died", replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor commented, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f*#king cat."

[GaryH]

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams. She pushes her ankle and screams -- and so it goes on.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"

Surprised by the doctors observation, she says, "No, actually I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

[GaryH]

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I will give you each one wish, " says the genie.

The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America.

"With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM'-the land in America was forever made fertile for farming.

The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, POOF'-there was a huge wall around France.

The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

The Englishman thinks for a little then says, "Fill it up with water." :P

[GaryH]

Four men - an engineer, an accountant, a chemist and a government worker, were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff."
T-Square trotted over to the desk, took out some paper and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the government worker, and asked, "What can your dog do!!?" The government worker called his dog, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break slowly got off his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

[GaryH]

DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST
When you rearrange the letters:
EVIL'S AGENT

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN 'EM

ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

[GaryH]

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest says: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody." :lol: :lol:

[GaryH]

Sixth grade science teacher, Mr. Sampson asks his class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way.

"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. :oops:
"Sir, how dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted.

He asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.

"Yes, Sam?" says Mr. Sampson.

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you."

Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:
First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. :oops:
Second, you have a DIRTY mind. :oops:
And third, I fear one day you are going to be very sadly
disappointed." :roll:

[GaryH]

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy ****! A talking pig!" :o 8)

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[GaryH]

One fine Sunday morning in the leafy suburbs, a man is out the front mowing his lawn. He looks up and see's two hearses being driven at walking pace down the street, headlights on. Directly behind the hearses a dog is walking, and behind the dog is a man all dressed in black. About 20 yards behind him, there are approx' 100 men all walking in single file. As the man see's this, he thinks that some important people may have passed away, on account of the volume of mourner's following the hearses.

He rushes up to the first man behind the dog, and say's, "Do you mind if I ask you who has passed away?" The man replies, "I don't mind, In the front hearse is my wife!"

The man replies, "That's terrible, I'm so sorry for you, how did she pass away?"

"Oh, the dog bit her, the wound became infected and turned out to be fatal!"

"My goodness, that's awful! And who is in the second hearse?"

"That's my mother-in-law, she was also an unfortunate victim of the dog, mauled her to death he did!"

"Bloody hell" say's the man, "I can't tell you how awful I feel for asking."

"Oh that's okay" replies the mourning husband and son-in-law. Then, after a slight moments hesitation, the man asks, "Hey, can I borrow your dog?"

The man replies, "Get in line!" 8)

[GaryH]

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.

2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k.

3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?

4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

6. Ahhh, I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again.

7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely cermonial.

20. No, my powers can only be used for good.

21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.

22. You sound reasonable......time to up my medication.

23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

25. I don't work here. I'm just a consultant.

26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

and my particular favourite,

27. My toys! My toys! I just can't do this job without my toys.!!!!!

[GaryH]

John & David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove in to the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there.

David promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom and pulled John out.

When the medical director became aware of David's heroic act he immediately ordered David to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell David the news he said "David, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, John, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

David, looking very pleased with himself replied, "Don't be stupid he didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." :roll: :roll: :lol:

[GaryH]

THE RULES 8) 8)

Men always hear "the rules" from the women's side. Now here are the rules from the men's side. These are their rules! Please note ... these are all numbered 1 on purpose.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want! Let us be clear on this one Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints donot work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. So what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Charlie's Angels, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both! If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus and Marco Polo did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. And, we have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

1. We are not mind readers! We never will be, and our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, football, sports cars, sex, home brewing or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping out.

[Glenn Ryan]

Gary, some beauties there...here's one I received recently... :lol:

Subject: Osama's Newsletter

Hi guys.
We've all been putting in long hours recently but
we've really come together as a group and I love
that. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we
can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I
have a few concerns. . .

First, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we
should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to
avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we
need to sweep the cave daily, I've done my bit on the
cleaning roster........ have you? I've posted a
sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to
the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when
I do, I'm trying to scare most of the world
population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not
ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup'
thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently,
clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the
top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were
gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team chanting and all that,
but, we must distance ourselves from the Westerner's
bat and ball games...it's just not cricket. Please do
not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" every time I ride
past on the donkey. Thanks

Five: Graffiti - Whoever wrote "Ossie f*cks donkeys!"
on the group toilet wall please clean it off...it's a
lie anyway, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself
at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam,
the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me,
whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the
mountain' will not be accepted in future. Bestiality
with non halal chicken is forbidden...there is a grey
area with donkeys however.

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western
soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks.
I want to set up patrols to look for them. First
patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar, Hammed
and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug.
Os. :)

PS - I'm sick of having Osama's Bed Linen scribbled
on my bed sheets

[GaryH]

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, isn't that Bush and Powell. The barman said, Yep, that's them.

So the guy walked over and said, Hello. What are you guys doing??

Bush said, We're planning World War III.

The guy asked, Really what's going to happen??

Bush said, Well, we're going to level about 4000 sq miles of country, leave millions of people homeless and without power, kill 10 million Afghans and one postal worker.

The guy exclaimed, Why the hell are you gonna kill the postal worker!

Bush turned to Powell and said, See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans! :roll:

[GaryH]

A blonde tries to go horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action.

It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the mane but can't seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider. Unfortunately, the blonde's foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over again.

As her head is battered against the ground she is moments away from losing consciousness when, to her great fortune, the Woolworths Manager sees her and unplugs the horse.............. :P :lol: 8)

[Robert Halley-Frame]

just a bit of fun...


Feeling bored in the office? Looking for something new and exciting to do?

Why not initiate an office dare system - however to do it properly only you
are allowed to know the dare. Sound confusing? Well read on..........

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES

1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.

2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other non-player' must
be in the toilet at the time).

3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,
"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and
grimace.

6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,
"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".

7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,"Sorry,
I really prefer it this way".

8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.

9) While riding an lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.


THREE-POINTS DARES

1 Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled
fingers.

2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that,
I don't want to have to repeat it".

3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle
(there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT DARES

1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to
conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you
actually launch into it yourself).

2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with
growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number
two".

5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in"
the report's on your desk, Mon". Keep this up for one hour.

6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.

7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and
mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".

8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness,
I'll never go hungry again".

9) In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".

10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?".

11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you
hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".

12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk
about it".

13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch
for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very
important conference call.

15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants
and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each
biscuit with your fist.

18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee,
move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

And if that wasn't enough for you...

1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have
to let one of you go."

3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with
that.

4) Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."

5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6) In the subject field for all your e-mails, write " FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS".

7) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

8) Don't use any punctuation

9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

12) Sing along at the opera.

13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds
all day.

15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.

16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

7) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this
week!!!"

18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling,
"Run for your lives, they're loose!"

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....

19) Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you
or have asked you not to send them stuff like this. --

:D :D

[Kuru]

quite a good lot there Robert, I think most people will get a copy of it when I get to work tomorrow ! :)

[robbo]

A woman goes to the gynaecologist for the first time. She's lying on
the her back with her feet in the stirrups when the doctor comes in.
He lifts up the sheet and recoilsin shock. "my goodness," he says. " you have a huge pussy!"
She's incredibly upset, of course, and returns home in tears.
Then she starts thinking that the doctor would know. After all, he is a doctor.
Now she's curious. So she puts a mirror on the floor, strips from the waist down and stands over the mirror so she can check it out.
Just then, her husband comeshome. "what the hell are you doing?" he asks. She's embarrassed to say, so she sways her hips a little and says, "oh, I'm just dancing....."
He says, "better watch out.......you'll fall in that f#@&ing big hole in the floor!"

[robbo]

A man walks up to awoman in his office and tells her that her hair smells really nice.
The woman, in a huff, goes to her supervisor's office and tells him that she was sexually harassed, and explained what happened.
The supervisor is puzzled, "What is wrong with a co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice".
"He's a midget!" The woman replies. :wink:

[robbo]

Frank was excited about his new hunting bow. So he went bear hunting. He spotted small brown bear and shot it. There was a tap on his shoulder, he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said,"You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex."
Frank decided to bend over.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, frank recovered and swore revenge. He headed out on another trip and he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder, this time a huge grizzly bear stood next to him.
The grizzly said,"That was a mistake, Frank. You've got two choices, either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again Frank decided to bend over.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Really pissed off, he headed for the woods, tracked down the grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but there was another tap on his shoulder. he turned and saw a giant polar bearstanding there.
The polar bear said,"Admitt it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting do you?"
:P

[robbo]

What can you find in a man's pants that is about 6 inches long, has ahead on it, and that women love so much they often blow it? :roll:

[robbo]

:shocked!: A $20 bill

[robbo]

What is it that all men have one of, some men have longer ones some men have short ones, the pope doesn't use his, and a man gives it to his wife after they are married?

[robbo]

A surname :D